My Long Awaited, EuroTrip Post

My trip to Europe in June was AMAZING. check out my post here at my more professional and less dramatic blog Daily Dose of Bree!! add me there for cool doses of me! Bree!

http://dailydose-bree.blogspot.com/2011/11/my-long-awaited-eurotrip-post.html

My Crazy Cancerian Life

I'm very interested in what the next few months will bring. First of all, I'm finally moving forward when it comes to that last breakup. This is a really good things, especially since it has been a year -_-'.  But so much has happened since I left Georgia I can't help but realize that was a very small matter in comparison to me getting my degree, finding my own line of work, and moving into a room in a two bedroom apartment.

Well...maybe I'm doing so well about the breakup because I met someone(s) lol. First of all, I've become reacquainted with a guy from my past. We are currently having a Skype relationship. It is grand. Mostly because I don't have to really commit to him and we can talk about all types of things and we are 5 states apart. Well that is until he comes and visits me next week :-/ I'm worried I'm going to have those feelings I thought I had lost for him years ago resurface. He's counting on it lol. He 'misses what we had' :-/  I've known him just about as long as Mr. Beasley...and we have almost as much history, if not trials and tribulations.

Then there is my nice Jewish boy...well...he is DEFINITELY a maaaaan *exasperated voice* Oh yes...yes he is. Kindness will take you very far with me. I haven't had a guy treat me with so much respect in ages. I mean from the get too...We have been going out and watching shows and having lunch and talking about all of our nerdy endeavors... it is great to have met someone who gets my silliness and can match it without skipping a beat. He says I'm sexy, which I've heard before, but when he says it...I really believe it. It's the way he lays his hand on the small of my back, or plays with my hair. I can see something happening if I give it the chance to...but I dunno if I'm ready too. I'm so lovesick in general from that breakup, I might jump the gun...so to combat that, I'm trying my best not to. Keeping him at arms length, but I tell you...he is really roping me in.

And then there's a boatload of in betweens. I have had the great luck of meeting a number of particularly nice guys who are willing to goof off with me but hold an intelligent conversation. They come from all over NY and I enjoy their company and their subtle yet firm declaration of admiration for me. I'm eating it up. It's nice. It sucks because I only meet nice guys all at once. So there is always this...choice things I have to make. And right now, I've hung out the most with the Jewish guy. I mean, he has made time for me, and we live near each other. The guy who lives in Boston, well...he lives in Boston. The guy who lives in Rockdale...Rockdale man. and as for the guy who works at the antique flea market who says there is something special in the way I move and smile...well, he came in a little too late lol...I guess I'm going to ride this wave of suitors....figuratively of course :-/. and see where I wash up. Hopefully I can make friends and not you know...rejects. And who knows...maybe I'll be alright after all.


Chao babies.

An explanation of...

How could I explain to you this intense feeling? I could begin by saying I've been told a few times that it isn't even a real disease...and of course, who could blame those people. Cancer is easily seen on the body, HIV causes the flesh to deteriorate. Even the common cold portrays physical symptoms. But depression, that is all in the mind. A mental state. I hate the phrase mental problem. It makes me think of a psych ward, Girl Interrupted type places. When dealing with depression the medical professionals around me more often than not make me feel like I'm crazy; with their note pads and ever moving pens. They nod methodically or say general phrases. They hear me but are they listening? No, they are trying to catch all the tell tell signs written in the DSM-V or whatever book that documents all those cognitive diseases... I have a disease? really...one that you cannot see...that I don't understand...and I'm suppose to be okay with that? take my meds and all will be well? That's not true...

Let me tell you what depression is like...It's like drowning. Everything around you is caving in and you are overwhelmed and unable to fully function, to breathe. Nothing is bright nor sunny, everything is dim. There are no silver linings or sun rays that reach you. And often times you're just there, just a shell of what you normally are. And it comes in waves...I'm always asked what triggered it as if I should know...What made me feel hopeless a few months ago may not be what is making me feel hopeless today. The truth is I have no answer. It's more than one thing, just a feeling of re-occuring loss... back to back to back. It's like a sea of sadness lapping up farther and father during high tide. It's the feeling of not good enough, imperfect, fat, ugly, unintelligent, cowardice...Not that any of that is true...or not true, but those feelings they meld and flow over me intensifying over a period of time until I'm a ball of nothing laying in bed waiting for it to pass...It affects my writing, my wanting, my everything...things move so slow living just seems unbearable.

What is depression? it's a terrible thing that I've tried to tell myself doesn't exist, because I feel like there's no physical proof. Things happen in life often that make you upset. I've been upset over plenty before. But it's not the same feeling...no this is something I could never fully explain. Something I don't understand...something I don't think I'll ever understand...something that might just ruin me...

That's Just The Way It Goes

That should be my new saying. No matter what I do, I usually come to the realization that when really disheartening things happen to me, that is just the way it goes. But in this case, I feel it really is just the way it goes. The entire night I said, "You're a grown ass man, you can do whatever you want." But he made it clear that wasn't what he wanted to hear. He's grown up over the years. Faster than I thought was possible. He was never the one to talk about personal matters. He shied away from past talks. But now things were different now. And he was willing to discuss anything, which made me mad.

I think the greatest compliment/insult I received last night was "she reminds me so much of you." I smiled and shook my head. I've yet to meet anyone who reminded me of him. But we are friends first and anything else second. As long as I've known him it was always that way. That we will always be friends first and anything else second. When you have so much in common it's hard to want to switch any positions around. He tells me often he loves me. Last night was no different. So I politely responded back,  "I love you too; so very much. But I can't keep believing in something that is never going to happen. I'm going to have to let you go..." And that was the end of that conversation. It wasn't until I came home to go to bed that I realized how much that conversation affected me. I dreamt of the last few things he said to me. I feel like it was very dramatic for no reason, but it still happened. "I wish you would see how beautiful you are." I responded with, "Average at best." and he grabbed hold of me so quickly I shuttered at the speed. "Will you stop saying that. Seriously..." And he looked at me with such sad eyes. So I apologized and we hugged it out, he gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me to call him for anything (mind you...there is another conversation we had that night, which might explain his softness when we were going home, but it has nothing to do with this story so...) . We took off in our respective directions for the night. So much emotion in one night...I'm embarrassed to say I'm suppose to see him at least two more times before I leave town. I don't want anymore emotional deep talks. I want to just watch a movie, mess around and make each other laugh. I want to stop him from biting his nails, something I think he does just so I'll pop his hand. I want to have drinks and talk about possible story ideas. I want to talk about his move to New York City. I don't want to have anymore deep "I love you, you love me, but I've met someone like you who I kind of like. She wants to also move to New York..." conversations. It takes away all the adventure that has been our friendship....

Bree Eats: Sweet and Mild Shrimp

It seems that as of late my favorite flavor is coconut milk. Add this buttery sweet milk to any meat and you have more than just a delicious dinner, you have heaven on a plate! Tonight,  I randomly threw some things together and had to post the results.  I call it Sweet and Mild Shrimp--I'm bad with titles. The buttery and sweetness of the milk meld with the spices making this dish too good not to try! What you'll need:

Add about a teaspoon of olive oil to a skillet. Add the de-shelled shrimp to the heated pan until one side is lightly pink. Flip the shrimp and add enough coconut milk to just cover the shrimp. Add the rest of the ingredients to taste and cook down the milk over medium heat.

These little babies would go great with a potato, tossed with pasta, or poured over your choice of rice. Enjoy!

Chow Baby!

Leaving Rye

I am leaving Rye tomorrow. This is my last night sleeping in this bed. I hope. I say I hope because I was given a key to the house to keep :-/ I was hoping I could return it and go on with my life. I will miss the kids across the street calling me "Briar" for short. I will miss the cat giving me a look as he tries to tip toe into my room and me saying "get out!" in my Arnold Schwarzenegger voice and him knowing I was serious and running off. I'm going to miss the dog turning his head sideways at everything I said to him and only listening when it benefited him. I'm going to miss the walks to the beach, playing Yu-Gi-Oh with the kid, and riding my employer's bike. I'm going to absolutely miss the warmth of my neighbors, the ones that talked to me anyways. I noticed I was well excepted by my European neighbors. The ones who liked to offer me beers and dinner. The ones who mad jokes and talked to me on a regular bases. I'm going to miss those feelings. I gracefully bid adieu to those who made my time here livable so far away from my family. without them, I think I would feel very much like an outsider--at least more than I already did. I realize a lot happened while I was here. I graduated from college, I learned how to cook certain foods from scratch, I loved and lost greatly, I created, I destroyed.... It's only been two years, but a very long and full two years it has been. I feel like it's the end of a movie or something. Like the credits are rolling and a song is playing that makes you nostalgic for what you just finished watching. I feel like whatever time has passed, has passed, and that chapter has truly ended. It's a good thing...that means I'm growing up I hope. I will embrace all of my future trials and triumphs, good and bad knowing that I spent two years of my life finding myself (pretending to anyways). Did I find myself? No, not at all, but I didn't lose myself a bit maybe. So I guess that's the moral of my story. I got intimate with who I was and embraced it, but I don't know much else or wether or not I learned from it. Maybe in the next year or so I'll learn more. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll do something with my talents. Maybe I'll die early along with my unwritten stories..... either way, I think I've gained something recently that can only be described as self acknowledgement. I'm not a little girl anymore. But I know myself better than I think I knew myself a year ago. Hopefully if there is anything to gain from my time in New York, it's that I am who I am. and that's the end of the story.....the end of this chapter anyways....so much is unwritten though....so where to next...?

There Must Be More Than This Provincial Life!

It's finally happening. I'm moving into my own place (sorta) this Friday. I'm excited. My mom said I need to stop coming off as so happy to not be working for this family anymore--as a nanny for those who don't know-- but I don't think it's that at all. I think it's excitement from finally being a 20-something in New York City, or any city for that matter. So far I've either been living in a Dorm, with my parents, or with this family that I work for. I had more free time living with my family then I do now. I had responsibilities. WELL!!!! no more!Well, no more child-wise. I need this. I'm such a baby face and a dependent person. I want to be poor, not like when I was in college, but having fun. I want to go to work, get off and have a drink with friends. I want to wake up and write some things, take a walk, do some yoga, catch up with people at a pastry shop, have dinner gatherings, not care about whether the laundry is done or not. I want to plan trips around the country and around the world and backpack or just visit and take pictures. Sure, I'm pretty sure I have high hopes and it's not going to be anything like that, but I want the experience none the less! I just want something more. Can I quote a Disney Movie? "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell!" :D that's right, Beauty and the Beast up in this piece.

Ciao bell(e)as.

I Dream...

Of strange things. Lately, I've been dreaming of epic stories I need to tell from the depths of my imagination. This is only if I fall asleep though...I've been having trouble sleeping. I took a benedryl twice this week...took one 30 minutes ago and nothing...I'm not sure whats haunting me at night (lies) but...I wish it would find its way back into its little box that will manifest itself as a tumor sometime later I'm sure.

Cranky Pants

I was stressed before but now I'm just annoyed and pissy. I would like to blame it on PMS if I could but I'm not sure I can. I just want to blow up kittens, kick pigeons, and throw the ice cream cones of little kids on the ground and stomp on them until the dirt and treat melt into one. Half of me is pissed because I'd like to just go home now. Another part is a bit annoyed that my friends say I never contact them, though they never contact me either, but when I do give em a ring, they never answer. Contact is a two way fucking street. Still, not having a job and having to find an apartment as well I'm sure isn't helping. I'm going to meditate, because last night I couldn't sleep with all this anger wrapping me up. I wish I was four-years-old again, so I could have a temper tantrum and get it out of my system (if that's what a temper tantrum really does).

Oh. I might also be pissed because the guy I was talking to pissed me off weeks ago and we haven't talked since. No sincere apology. How are you going to ask me out then stand me up and be like oh, well. sorry I guess, anyways. You suck dude! and I'm mad because I want to tell him he sucks but that would mean me having to contact him. Again, I'm the only one contacting anyone. I'm not his fucking slave! I shouldn't have to do everything *anger rising for reasons unknown* .... I better go meditate now.... I have things to do today.

X-Men: First Class Review (SPOILER)

That was my face 10 minutes in.

Oh my where do I start with this movie. Unfortunately, I am very behind on doing this review. I meant to do it at least a month ago to save people from watching it. Alas, times are hectic and I became busy. But I decided I will still do a review of this uh....wondrous movie.

Let me begin by saying that Kevin Bacon IS: evil! That should have been on the poster. He was so unnecessarily evil, and maybe because I am a Bacon fan and haven't seen him in a while, it came off as kind of cool in my opinion. Kudos to them for receiving any type of positive feedback from me, because it's all down hill from here

Let's see. Mystique has to be one of the pudgiest characters in the movie, I almost mistook her for the blob. Nothing against the girl playing her, I myself am a little round around the edges, but I think it would have done well if she was pudgy as a child and not as a teenager with body image issues.

That guy who reminded me of Ron Weasley, you know the one with the hair? That's all I'm going to even say about him.

I love that Charles Xavier was an adamant runner before his accident. It made him loosing his leg function--and if you see the scene where he says over and over again, "I can't feel my legs" it make me wanna laugh--kinda cheesy. I wonder if that counts has a positive comment because it made me laugh?

The whole Beast prequel doesn't match the rest of the movies. Beast was very blue and epic in the X-men: Last Stand movie. Grammer was a hell of a beast. I can't remember which previous movie he was in, but before he wasn't blue and furry, he was just an advocate for mutant rights. So for him to be fully mutated in the prequel...yeah let's just say WTF man.

Surprise surprise, the black guy dies first. Not only does he die first, but before biting the dust, Bacon, while making a particularly evil speech, makes a comment about slaves. This is when the director thought it would really push the point home if they zoomed in on the lone black guy, as if he personally knew what slavery was like. Again, this part made me laugh. Then he dies. in fact, he's the only good guy who dies.

My other other favorite part is the renaming of all the characters. "You know what, your name is XYZ, but your power makes me think your more of a Wammy! X-men name the viewer has come to love." It was campy and cheesy to come up with these "code names" so quickly and effortlessly.

Of course you have to throw in Hughes Jackman. If you don't how will he ever finish fulfilling his contractual duties? And whose that lady who plays Mystique in the first one? I always forget her name, but yeah, she makes a star appearance too.

In the end, if what you seek is a terribly written, poorly acted out prequel then by all means, if you haven't already, waste your money on this. Luckily for me, my ticket was paid for. THANK EVIL BACON FOR THAT! phew!

Stressed

Yep, for once my title is pretty much straight forward. I'm a bit stressed. Not like a few months ago with school and work. I'm stressing finding work and a place to live and the list goes on in those direction. I'm stressed because a certain person (who I'm not related to) keeps trying to push me out to California. She literally looked up jobs in burbank and said, " So...did you ever do this type of search?" No....well I told her yes so she would come off it...truth is I've already made up my mind. I want to stay in NYC for the time being. It's nothing against California, I love California. I want to move out there one day. But I don't think I had that New York experience as a nanny who can't be out past 4pm everyday.

I want to be able to take care of myself. Rent in New York is stupid expensive. I've been looking in Jersey just because of that reason. Things are cheaper but then I wonder about how the transit thing is going to work out. Will that make my monthly bills go up?

I met this awesome guy with these two awesome rooms for rent in this awesome area... but I don't think it's going to work out. My friend whom I wish to share the apartment with still lives in Georgia. The guy want to meet my friend or at least have a skype first, and my friend doesn't have any sort of access to skype. Sigh...and obviously I'm not the only one wanting to see the apartment so if he feels its a good fit with someone else. he's going to give it to them.

Back to the job thing...how do you find a career when no one is willing to give you that first chance to? Everyone wants 2 years of experience, and if I would have known ahead of time what I was going to be graduating with, I would have attempted internships two years ago.  I just would like to find a job making enough money to buy a shit-hole of a place in a safe neighbor hood close enough to the city so I can have a good time when I'm not working. I'm pretty sure that's WAY too much to ask...but how about this: a job that pays enough for me to pay my bills so I can have a post-grad broke life for a year or so. Is that still too much to ask for??

Bree-Bree's Biscuits via I Just Like to Eat Blog

 recently spent time in Spain visiting a good friend of mine. We had a lovely time! One night we made biscuits to bring to a dinner party we were attending. Here is the link to my recipe via my friend's blogsite. enjoy. We did.

http://ijustliketoeat.blogspot.com/2011/06/bree-brees-biscuits.html

Things that go HOLY FUCK in the night By: Brianne Glover

So I've decided to start a second blog, because as of late all I've been blogging about is personal affairs and that is far from what the original idea was. Should Bree Speaks be my public blog or should it be my personal one? I'm unsure but I do know this: Never eat raspberries. lol. Better yet, never eat a pound of unwashed cherries from a street vender. I had a rough afternoon after that!

So anyways here goes a personal blog for you cool cats out there. Ever since spotting my Ex's number in my mom's phone, I've been having dreams about him. Strange dreams. I think it's more so longing. I often dream of group events, things that involve many people. And unlike before where he's ignoring my presence and vice versa, Now he is apologizing for his foolishness and declaring how awful a mistake he has made. I'm pretty pathetic. Deep down, I feel like these dreams mean one thing: I want him to say sorry so we can kiss and make up. LOL. I don't think so...First of all I might chop off his nuts if he comes anywhere near me. That's how crazy this 'man' made me through all of his leading on and sweet words. Second of all, he was never one to be sincere...He often apologized to make amends so I'd stop whining. It is without a doubt that I am still very much not over him. I really don't love too often... Only twice so far and both ended with some really bad stuff happening because the guy couldn't keep his penis in his pants.

No one should dream so often about being apologized to. The one thing he didn't really do I want so badly my dreams seem to be telling me....I'll never get it thought. He's 32 years old and still acts like he's 18, straight out of high school...He did nothing wrong in his head. I'm overreacting. I'm crazy. Right...whatever helps you sleep at night...very different from the words he was saying before...very different indeed....*sigh*

(closes eyes)

--_--
(Dear God, Please let me sleep tonight without dreaming of that douche of a little boy in a man's body whom I still hope with all my heart amounts to something soon, but most likely will amount to nothing much like before. Amen.)

Stone Temple Pilots- Say Hello To Heaven

JUST KIDDING, YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!!

I've been really busy with the whole finishing up my classes so I can graduate and working bit. But I had to sit down and write about this whole "doom doom dooooooomsday" thing that's been going on lately. According to religious crazies (and just plain crazies), the world is going to officially end Tomorrow, Saturday May 21,2011.

On a much lighter note I'd just like to say if that is to happen I will be SO pissed. I worked my ass off for the past year trying to finish school and the world is gonna end a week before I graduate! The rapture can take that 'the world is ending' crap and stick it up its holy arse. It's not one of those things you should take lightly though. In my experience of Karma the 'boy who cried wolf' syndrome is still pretty prevalent. This would actually be an opportune time for the world to end; kind of a sock it to you moment for all you sinners out there.

I read an article on the VillageVoice Blog site and was kinda like really? Parents are telling their children "You're not going to heaven?" Aww, that sux. What I find most purplexing is who came up with May 21, 2011? Was it that same guy who said the world was going to end in 1994? or how about the Y2K nuts who thought technology would be our end (though as far as I'm concern it will be...or those damn dirty apes!). Either way you have believers and you have naysayers, which is a fact of life.

So what happens if I wake up on Sunday and nothing happened? Well I'm going to be pretty relieved to get to graduate before the world ends in 2012 (accomplishment achieved!). I will also like to hear the next crazy speculation on when the world is going to end.  That being said, why do people feel the need to tell the world that the world is going to end? Believe me, I think we will know when it happens or we won't, because it already happened lol. Either way it's a waste of time. Even if you think you are 'safe' and are on your way to heaven you can't save anyone! They had their whole lives to straighten up. Only Catholics can say a few prayers and get off squeaky clean before tomorrow, and that's not even a given if they end up being the wrong religion (suck it Pope).

Don't you have something better to do other than pass out pamphlets and scaring little children? Well NO, the world is ending!(just a answer I thought would probably come up if I asked).  I hope people are not quiting their jobs and telling their secret crushes they love them, because they gonna be maaaaaaaddd come Sunday.

Oh, and technically i'ts not the end end, its the beginning of the end. You know, when all the good guys go up and all the bad guys are stuck here and for like five months we gotta deal with a lot of heavy shit man.

In short, what the hell am I suppose to do about the world ending? Better yet what the fudge can I do about. Nodda.  I'm not so cocky  that I can say I know for a fact nothings going to happen. You see, Karma is a real bitch to me. She will prove me wrong just because I said that. Then again, I won't be saying: IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!! because how the hell should I know? I'm no Milton Bradley,  I'm just playing the game. The destiny of the world is so far removed from the realm of our imagination, that it is futile to even try and comprehend it (Well at least it is when it comes to Republicans and Global Warming). Leave the premonitions  to Ms. Cleo.

Ciao baby (maybe forever. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUN!)

Social Network Hiatus for Lent: What I've learned

After taking up the no social media logging in for lent agenda a day before lent started, I did a lot of soul searching. Before anyone says anything about the pics I was able to post, I can say I never once logged into facebook or twitter. Facebook has an email address and I simply emailed pics (yes, I was doing it because I found a way to beat the system).

So what have I learned? Well, you know me. I wouldn't be my bubbly self if I didn't come up with a morbid conclusion. In the end, me being off of facebook showed me that regardless of whether I'm here or not other people's lives continue on. I am but a small speck of dust amongst an immense rug that is this world. No one's life changed because of my absence nor did I expect for it to. Those who wanted to contact me did via telephone or email. Those that didn't contact me (though have my number) simply didn't want to. That's how it goes. My importance in my friends and families lives may be vast, but in the grand scheme of it all...I dunno man. Me personally I use facebook to talk to my friends, but mostly to comment on things belonging to  acquaintances. I noticed the span in time better without it. I had a lot of free time. Mostly to laze. Also to finish homework. But even then I just lazed.

A lot of strange things happened that I wanted to update about.Crazy things I saw, things people said, etc. And I could only tell those around me. But really, who wants to know whats on my mind 24/7? No one. Everyone just wants a soap box to talk on, to feel important, to not feel so insignificant. It's a digital venting station. There really is no reason for it...or for me to stay on it. So what's the point of me coming back?

Why does everything that one does in life HAVE to make sense? I came back because I could. I came back because I knew lent was only temporary. I came back because its nonsensical fun. However, I'm not going to live on facebook like I used to. My main transformation into a fb super checker was because that was the only place I could contact my then boyfriend and talk for hours. It seemed I was also looking to connect with my people who live 700 miles from me (in Atl shawty) as if they are right next door. I guess

For now, I'll continue to tweet about the strange thoughts that pass through my mind or the even stranger happenings of New York City, but I feel like the constant checking and chatting and liking.....that can end. What's the purpose.

Facebook isn't who we are, it's who we wish we were. with self portraits we took of ourselves again and again and again, because we didn't like the first shot and wanted our pics to be hot. The stupid trivia notes and posts we do to show what we like about this or that or this person or that person just stirring the pot of drama because our own pathetic attempts at life are so dull. Constant spying on friend's of friends or just plain friends and watching shit go down and then talking about it later (I know I've done it, "well on facebook she said..." anything that starts or ends with something similar should cause a sad realization about your social skills). I get that I'm coming off pretty fucking depressing, but I prayed during lent and meditated. Which brought me to the whole "meaning of life" thing.


What is the meaning of life? The meaning of life is to experience emotion and free-will. Then die. That's kinda it. Yeah, it sux. Anyways I really think it's one big cosmic joke. God is the original  comedian. Also, contrary to my beliefs, Jesus is not the original zombie (Lazarus or whatever was!). Dang, that really made me mad. Jesus being the first zombie would have been cool.
Okay, well, have a happy ritualistic holiday.

There's a light, but where's the tunnel

So it has finally happened. The weeks that were blowing by have finally started to creep. Very slowly. Half of this is a good thing. Senioritits is a real disease. I have been trying to fight it, but I'm losing the battle. So for the pace to finally slow down means I can work on all those last minute projects I was "working" on all semester. Half is horrific. I feel like I'm never going to reach graduation; like time is going to continue creeping slower and slower until it stops completely. The truth is...I'm tired of my job. It is unnecessarily stressful. And there are a lot of aspects of it that I don't want to be a part of. I try to cut my ties emotionally because whenever I take on the emotions of those around me, I'm pretty miserable. I seem to be miserable regardless. I'm pretty tired of childcare. And I'm good for another 10 years when it comes to baring my own.

I keep having weird dreams about my ex-boyfriend. Not like him wearing a clown mask and having sex with a dog weird (pause for awkward thought processing from my readers) ....but more like him sitting near by. like....I'm somewhere, hes in the same room. We just ignore each other. But at the same time we are all pissy. We know we are both there. I've had three different dreams that involve him sitting either across from me and me looking  some place else, or on a row of chairs beside me and me...uh, looking some place else. These dreams have me thinking about him during the day...like what he's doing and other things I should probably not think about. I'm not depressed about the thoughts...I'm upset I'm even having them. But I'm sure the real reason behind it is (drum roll)....

...I'm single and yes I mingle. I could mingle more but...I feel weird talking to more than one person at once. I was never a fan. Sure, we all have liked maybe two people at the same time, but..I'm just weird. I guess I type all this to say...that I'm not interested....85 percent of the time. Yet someone has that 15 percent right now and its driving me crazy. I'm not sure where it is going, if it is going, or what. I just know I'm good about making a huge deal out of these sort of things. I dunno...I guess I'll just ride the wave out right?

Oh by the way: peanut butter time

Just a quick blurb. I think almost a week and a half ago I put peanut butter in my hair to condition it. I just wanted to say that I have been busy and did not wash my hair in almost 2 weeks! that is all types of bad. Especially since my dandruff had been acting up. But to my surprise, my dandruff was minimum. I think the peanut butter really conditioned my scalp. I've been really fighting these huge scabby thingys since I dyed it. Since I don't use product, I was losing the battle. I would wash my hair and literally 2 days later it was as if I didn't. None to report since the peanut butter mask. So It must do it's job. Will I do it again? Most likely not. there are other ways to get similar results. The smell went away by the end of the day, but I'm not a fan of that hot peanut butter smell in the shower. I'll probably still use it on my face (and in my belly!). I did a dry deep condition yesterday. I used honey and a mix of oils. it wasn't oily...it was sticky. I measured everything but I think I should have melted the coconut oil to measure properly since it was solid. Either way, when I washed it out I could feel the oil. It was nice. My curls were nice. I think my hair has grown! I couldn't fit it under the cap and when I put the mixuture in it stretched it out into a big fro. When I washed it out it didn't shrink down like I'm used to, though if I let it air dry it would def do that. I did use some left over product I had. It has petroleum jelly in it :(. I was trying to stay away from that. I watched some youtube vids by natural85(she's like the Michelle Phan of black hair, so cute). She gave me ideas for making a moisturizer. That's been my issue for a long time, how to moisturize. Oil helps the scalp, but I need something creamy for my hair. She made this nice looking shea butter mixture. Only problem is, I hate the smell of shea butter :(. I think it smells just awful! I wonder if I can do the same thing with cocoa butter. I'm going to look up cocoa butter versus shea butter now! I really want to flat iron my hair so I can see the length.

That wasn't a short blurb at all! oh well, try the peanut butter mask if you dare. I think it really does work.

Chao baby

My evil twin strikes again!

Never wrote about this before...but today I have to!! For years I've been told I have a doppelganger. There have been countless girls who look like me, and I mean afro and everything. But today I found out I have an evil twin...who followed me to New York! While sitting at home I get a text message along the lings of, "Dang I didn't know it was like that...couldn't give a brother a conversation." I wrote back what did I do now? and my friend asked where I was. I said home. He then called me and explained are you screwing around with me? because If not I just saw your exact double in the school library. WAAAHHHH!!??? You're kidding right? Nope, he was serious. The girl walked over to him, tapped the table he was sitting at and sat down in a cubicle. Then some time later she got up and left out the library without saying word. I asked how did her hair look and he told me exactly like mine. "Yo B, she had an afro and everything, I could have sworn it was you, there was no doubt in my mind. I don't know if some one slipped my something, but that just freaked me out." Indeed.

Is it possible hes lying LOL. Maybe, because I didn't contact him this weekend and we were suppose to go out for drinks...maybe...but who knows. either way. I've met guys who would concocted just as crazy stories in order to talk to me lol.... But I've also seen some of my twins. I always go she doesn't look like me at all!!! Just cause shes round and has glasses!! But who knows...maybe my parents have a secret. Sounds like the beginning to my next screenplay.

Peanut butter Time recap

Okay. Well, I let it sit in my hair for an hour and rinsed it out. What I found was that the peanut butter really REALLY conditioned my face. I rubbed some on that too lol....I have eczema and I see no peeling or scalyness. My hair however is....wonky. The pros, I think it would make a good conditioner...if I had not colored it. My curls were defined and I could manage them, but my hair still feels brittle. Thats what I get for giving into the evils of chemicals! My hair feels like straw that's been conditioned. Cons, well...you guessed it YOU SMELL LIKE PEANUT BUTTER!! Hot peanut butter in the shower. If you don't like the smell or, even worse, are allergic to PEANUTS I don't advise doing this. I rinsed it out  very thoroughly, but I fear ants eating my head tonight. I use honey all the time, So it's not the sugar I'm afraid of...Its that strong peanut butter smell lol....Whenever I touch my hair I smell peanuts on my fingers. I've felt softer locs before using just honey, oil, and mayo. So now to figure what to do next. I have soft hair naturally, if its not soft after a deep conditioning with peanut butter, my choices are kind of down to cutting it all off. Starting all over again. Using Henna like I was originally suppose to do instead of being tempted by the low low prices of chemicals LOL. What was funny was while sitting in my peanut hair mask, I ate a peanut butter sandwich. I'm kind of all peanut buttered out...I'm going to splurge and go to the Dominicans and have them deep condition and blow dry my hair. Though I should probably wait and give my hair a rest. I combed it out and twisted it. My hair became really tangled and matty after I colored it. blah...back to the drawing board.

Fucking Snowing/Peanutbutter time

It's fucking snowing today man. IT'S FUCKING SNOWING! 2 days ago it was 70 degrees outside. Today, it's fucking snowing. It was raining at first. I thought it was too warm to stick so I wasn't worried. But then I notice a white layer on the tops of all the roofs. WHY THE FUCK IS IT SNOWING!! I hope it warms up today and melts the snow. It's not even an inch but I'm tired of snow. It's suppose to snow Wednesday too. WHY IS IT SNOWING!!! Fucking global warming man...

To sound less Californian, Let me say that I am so tired of the cold. my hair is thirsty, my eczema is acting up, I swear the old is stuck in my bones! I am so not a cold bodied person. I am definitely into heat. I mean warmth. I don't want to walk out the door and instantly sweat, but I do like laying in the sun when it shines into my bedroom. Like my boss' cat. he follows the sun around the room. I like taking naps in the sun. No sun to day though. Just freakin' snow... ugh...I want soup.

Oh by the way...I'm sitting with peanut butter in my hair :-/ long story short, cocaine's a hell of a drug. Just kidding...My hair is destroyed. I tried to die it. I haven't put a chemical in my hair for almost 3 years. I'm frugal...they were having a sale on dark and lovely....It fried my hair. It is SO dry I think I can start a forest fire with it. My hair was so soft before. Now its sand paper. I decided to moisturize; deep condition. I've used mayo but we are out. yogurt too. I looked into bananas. Avacados supposedly do well, but last time i made it I had little brown strings in my hair for days. I looked up the banana conditioner and read too often that little white particles were in her hair for the rest of the day. I had a flash back to the avacado. I decided to hold off on the banana until I had more time. I took my organic honey, my virgin coconut oil, and some skippy. Next time I will go to whole foods and find some organic peanut butter. This was random. I only found a few reviews of the peanut butter conditioner. My locs are thirsty, If I don't do something I think they are going to shrivel up and fall off. I've almost had it for an hour in my head now. I'm worried about the ants LOL. There are ants in our bathroom. when I was putting it in my hair I saw one on the ceiling above my head. I thought he was going to drop into my hair like some sort of mission impossible ant. I wonder if I should leave it in for another hour... well...back to homework. I'll let you know how it goes :-/

Purgatory

For some reason I need to describe it, this Art form he has...He places his large hands on my waist while I'm peeling the potatoes for dinner. He kisses my neck after saying, "thank you." to me for making us dinner...I spend most of my time at work or in school, but when I get free time...I spend it with him. Watching movies or having dinner. I sip my glass of wine and he downs his beers. We're into different things, but are both majoring in communications. He raps interestingly enough. I don't mind when he says, "Nigga" around me 'cause I know he's gangsta enough to get away with it. His hair always smells fucking amazing. When I sit in his lap, he wraps himself around me and lets me play with it. His hair is jet black and almost wraps itself around my fingers when I touch it. We both know we are playing a game. Coping with the bullshit, and using our company to pass the time..though mine seems more recent then his...He bought me ice cream I never got a chance to eat. I'm sure it's sitting next to the other flavor he bought for himself that I devoured. I like that he's taller than me, its not often I attract a man my age with height. He smokes too much. This boggles my mind because his hair always smells so good. I told him he must do that on purpose, because he knows how bad smoke smells. He's addicted to shoes and good music. He has the best taste in RnB and Hiphop; it makes me wanna make him an apple pie. His bed is warm and big, just like himself, and when I lay in it I fall asleep with no problems. I've never been able to fall asleep so quickly in a bed that is not my own, but for some reason his bed equals instant sleepiness. When he's not calling me 'Mami', "baby", or some other nickname that isn't my real name, he's calling me crazy. "Damn baby, you're crazy." He's said more than once. I kind of am. He teaches me how to say things in Spanish. I have a lazy tongue, I can't roll my R's. I do things purposely to make him laugh. He says I'm adorable and  thinks I have a nice ass. That makes me laugh. He said, "no really, its great." He wears a gold chain that belonged to his father. Its a cross with a little gold Jesus being crucified. I like to play with the cross, twirling it between my fingers. His father passed away and that was the one thing he got to keep. I've learned a lot about him. I've met his mother. She is a loving Latina who lights candles and babies her son to death. What mamma says goes. Its cute to see them interacting. Today I told him I think I like him. I told him that was a huge problem. I didn't want to like anyone. He said I shouldn't like him, he's a jerk. I believe him. We sipped coffee with the ice cream he bought in it. He made mine too sweet, because I'm a girl, so I asked to switch with him. He gave me his. He always let's me buy something else or switch with him when I don't like what I'm eating or drinking. I bet one day he's gonna snap and say, "NO! stop ordering stuff you're not sure you'll like. I spend a lot of money on you and we're not even dating!!" We drank the coffee while listening to his mixtape. We got hungry and found a sushi place near us that delivered. He ordered octopus, I ordered eel. I thought it was cool that our sushi choices were so unorthodox. We sat and watched movies all day. We watched a low budget film that was awesome. We watched Neil Patrick Harris in a short film that was also awesome. We watched an animated batman movie that kicked ass because Robin went nuts and was actually killing people. I pointed out one of the characters reminded me of Deadpool. He said I was so cool. We often walk around like a couple in lovey dovey. He pulls out my chair and opens doors. It's funny because there's nothing there. There is this weird void we both have. I don't believe half of what he says; he's a firm believer his last girl ruined him for life. He told me some wild story that I though was a lie. He lost his phone yet could call me. I called bullshit. Right before taking me home, he pulled out his wallet and flipped it open to the piece of paper I gave him with my number on it. I was mad..I wanted to believe he was bullshiting me. He buys me little sweet things and I smile at him. He likes my afro and wants me to pick it out. I told him that breaks off a lot of hair. I told him I wanted to flat iron it and he got excited. "ooo, I want to see that Mami." In the end, I think we are both very broken people...I wonder when it's going to fall apart....

Paint It Black...It's Sliming

...no colors anymore, I want them to turn black...

I just like this Rolling Stone song. I heard so many covers of it, even in French. It definitely expresses how I feel from time to time. Whenever things get heavy I feel like a big ole depressed panda. I don't see color only black.  Right now, I'm not sure how I feel. I'm having some issues when it comes to my emotional state. I would like to blame the elimination of sweets; which I use in order to cope. I've only been off of sweets for one day and I'm having the itch. I do realized I've been using chocolate squares, cheese danishes, ice cream, and cookies as a coping mechanism. Which is doing the opposite of what I wanted to do for spring. I had a dream last night that I was in a bikini on the beach with my family. It reminded me that this summer my goal is to wear a bikini :-/ which is kind of a scary thought...But I've been told countless times I should have already been wearing one (yea the fuck right). I've gained some weight recently. No more than 5lbs and that's when I'm completely full. No big deal really but I'd rather not regress. It's because of the sweets, sure, but its also because I've been hungry and have just been eating more. Not only that, I've been eating fried snacks, something I stopped doing years ago. I'm picking up bad habits again. Some of the people I hang out with eat all types of things I shouldn't eat regularly. To combat that, I decided to really cut down on the empanadas... which are so yummy. Also, I'm not buying anymore ice cream or cookies. Well...anything sweet really. I think that before when I would eat sweets it was once in a while and usually some low sugar ice pop already at the house, or a scoop of ice cream, again, already at the house. Too often do I use food as rewards, security blankets, and comfort. But its one of those 'choose your own poison' situations. I mean I could be heavy in drugs or something like that. I mean...cocaine is a hell of a drug right? Well I don't want to find out. I'll stick to cheesecake and brownies....which means I need to work out...something I hate doing. I run like Babe Ruth...on a bad day. Lost all that weight and still huffing and puffing. Well, not always, but If I have to run two blocks to catch a bus, I feel it. In my dream i had a very slender waist. When I say slender, I mean in proportion to my boobs lol... Not tiny, but flatter in the front than it is now. I kinda got this bump that I know I will have forever. That's just the way I'm built really. I don't want to be Kate Moss...but I would like to buy cute clothes and feel comfortable. Something I hardly felt as a teenager. But that was mostly hormonal. I accept a lot of stuff about my body now than I ever did then. But only by so much. It's kind of weird being the 'small friend.' It was a girl, a guy, and me. We were sitting in a room talking and they said if we were all to get on the queen sized bed we wouldn't all fit. I was like really? They said yea because two of us are pretty big. your the tiny. I was taken aback by this. Me? Tiny. They said yea, i mean your the smallest one out of us....After looking around and looking down at myself. I was. Mind you my two friends are both taller than me, but never before in my life was i considered the smallest in a group of people. I was definitely always the fattest in my group. Yeah....having a poor body image for so long really does affect the way you do everything from there on out. But I feel prettier now. Sad but true, I do. I would say it's all in my head, but the guys at school and in transit think so too. I get hit on a lot already, I think mostly because I look young and naive. But now its doubled. Not really excited to tell the truth. I'd rather stay invisible, I need some alone time...

Brianne the Conqueror

It's just been one of those days. I was literally about to break down into tears earlier, but when I think about my future I can't help but get excited. I'm trying my damnedest to be something, to do something; to have a piece of the dream. I know for a fact I am talented. I've worked too hard to let these things get me down....but I'm human just like everyone else. My mind as of late is weak. I've spent all of my creativity on filming and writing. I read when I'm on the train and write papers on the day that they are due. I've only had positive feedback. Yet I still have time to lose sleep over the stress of all the what-ifs of the world. I am terribly stressed about graduating. It sounds like a huge contradiction I know. All I talk about is how happy I am to be finally done with school. However, change is a very scary thing. How should I begin my story...

It all revolves around change. I remember standing in the lunchroom of Stone Mountain High back in 2004. I was trying not to procrastinate as I often did. I knew for a fact I had to go to college....the entire school administration drilled that into my head. But I was lethargic to say the least. I looked into two schools on my own using the collegeboard: Georgia State and LaGrange. I also picked a two-year school just in case. All I knew was I wanted to help people. I felt a sense of accomplishment when I did. My grades were not amazing. And I had trouble paying attention in class. But that day in the lunchroom changed everything. A college fair. tables were lined up across the back wall during my lunch period. I walked over to a few tables and browsed not really interested. Suddenly, a name caught my eye. I stood in front of a table with a plain white banner in front of it: The University of West Georgia. Never heard of it. The recruiters talked to me about this and that. They had a Nursing program. I went home did a little research, I mean REAL little, and decided to add it to the list. Georgia State was where I wanted to be. The other schools were just in cases.

And wouldn't you know it I didn't get in. In fact, I got into all of my second choices. It was pretty disheartening. I was really wanted Georgia State. So it came down to West Georgia for nursing, or LaGrange for environmental science. My mother said I would always be able to find a job in nursing. So I picked West Georgia. Ended up being the best two years of my life, if you over look any immaturity on my part. It was also a party school. Everyone said I had to have known, but the truth is I didn't start learning about its reputation or how many people, including my principal, graduated from it until i got accepted. The plan was to transfer to Georgia State and finish there. I transferred... I started doing poorly. It seemed Georgia State wasn't what I thought it would be.I did pretty terrible. It was too hustle and bustle for me. So I took some time off to collect myself. Knowing that West Georgia had changed since I was away, going back meant disappointment. I decided to go to another small school. Kennesaw State. A semester into it I was offered a Job in New York City.

If you need help counting the years, it's five. I spent five years chasing dreams. Things didn't pan out the way I thought they would. I struggled, I changed my mind, I lost myself. I'm not a fan of change, but I do understand its importance. So I moved far away from my family and friends to show myself and the world that I was more than average, I was intelligent, if not a bit random; I was determined. I was alone in New York City. I struggled with loneliness. I didn't meet anyone until a year later. I missed meals only my parents could make. I missed dinner dates with friends, and late night movies with my boyfriend. I was a mess. But I decided to stay another year. After running around Lehman College trying to figure out what degree I could take on without having to apply to a program, I found that communications fit the bill. I wanted to do journalism in Georgia but got all types of negative responses. This way, I could learn about journalism AND television AND film AND creative writing. It was perfect. And If I acted quickly I could major in a program that wouldn't be offered the following semester, which meant I could ride the last wave out. If I worked hard, and luck was on my side with the classes offered, I could graduate in 3 semesters.

Here I am. 3 semesters later. I am about to graduate. It took me almost 7 years in my head, though I took 2 years off. That's still too long...but I'm often hard on myself. So much struggle for a piece of paper only to become riddled with anxiety at the thought of leaving school behind. Maybe it is more than that. Maybe its responsibility. College is the last free frontier. Once you become an adult, its pretty depressing. All we do is work and get cancer in this country...But when you're a student, you can party and just be. Sure your poor, but you have your freedom. I can't see myself as a slave to the system. I'm too day-dreamy; too free spirited.

Of course I am also suffering from heartachious...aka, love pains. Its pretty pathetic in my head. How can someone so insignificant to the world hold so much power over my heart? Well he wasn't insignificant to me. I've ranted and raved, and thrown tantrums. But the truth is I was stupid in love. Head over heels, rosed-colored, cloud nine, Mr. Right, He's the one in love....its embarrassing to say the least. truth is I hate using the L word. So if I say it, I mean it. And I meant it. What really sucks is I think I'm still in love, so it hurts even more. I really don't want the feeling... Its like a deep cut with sand, salt and dirt in it...its healing over all the debris, but underneath the scab, its still a huge ass mess. It won't heal properly unless I take proper care... I will let you in on a secret...I was a bit depressed before the break-up. Not about him really. I was stressed because they were not offering the classes I needed and sometimes I just fall into a low state. Also, he became increasingly 'busy' and when asked about it he told me it was work and that he missed me a lot...which made me feel guilty for leaving. I was extremely depressed during the break-up. I thought I was dying. No closure, just waves of confusion and pain. Now, I think I am just hurt from the break-up. I don't think I'm depressed anymore. I believe this because I'm sleeping at night, I'm not dreaming about him as much, I'm eating, and I'm smiling for real. Its a different type of feeling, feeling depressed and feeling sad. I don't know how to explain it really...one is feeling down; you sigh and you go back to work. The other is feeling like a void, absolutely nothing. Like everything is falling through you but not. You're lost and empty, and I can only explain it as your soul hurts. Its an emotional, not physical, pain I will never be able to describe. You feel like you're dying... Now I just feel hurt...I don't want to dwell on it, but  no one will ever know the words that were said to me right before it all fell apart...They contradict so much with his actions that it's mind boggling.

Lets move on....Now it turns into a soap opera. I'm going to move in with my long time male friend. We have the most amazing opposite sex friendship in the world. No one can replace him and vice versa.. Did I mention he's a past lovely? We do so well as friends. I'm worried we might start ya know...liking each other again lol.... I used to want that to happen, but time passed. All that 'I like you' tension kind of passed too. Not to mention I'm a bit crazed at the moment. Oh, and obviously not ready for any type of relationship. Bad timing as usual.... But I need a friend more than ever right now. Someone I know well to be in my corner and next to me. He's excited. He wants to write things together. That makes me smile. We love to write. We have such crazy humor and we make up for each other's short-comings. It will be great to produce something with him.... I mean on paper...

I think this is the longest blog entry in the history of man. I guess I had a lot on my mind. I've been really busy... I work as a nanny. That means working around the clock. I am also in school full-time. Did I forget to mention I'm taking 21 hours...I had to get permission to do so; and my internship is every Thursday. I work from 9 to 5 like a good adult. I'm actually being productive. I think because these classes are less testing and more creating and writing. I'm doing so well. Maybe I find so much interest in it all (except journalism. I'm so glad I did not take it in Georgia...I'm not a fan at all. but I'm an okay journalist it seems). I need to stop typing. I'm sure my readers are asleep by now.

Thanks for listening.

It's Too Late to Start Drinking, But Too Early to Make Pancakes

I wanted the title to this to be super long and kind of honest. It is too late to start drinking. by the time my buzz kicks in I'm going to need to wake up for school. If I were to get up right now and make me some pancakes, I wouldn't really enjoy them. I think it is safe to say that my state of mind is walking a thin line between, "oh I get it" and "what the hell?" I'm pretty emotional, so when things happen, I try my best to play it cool. The terror, however, reads all over my face. Whatever that terror may be. The same goes for joy, but I think it's been a while since that expression has found it's way there.

I had a dream tonight. Better yet this early morning. And usually when I wake from dreams that involve depressing things I give a heavy sigh and sit up. However, this morning, when I woke up from the dream, the first thing out of my mouth was, "da fuck." and a huff of a laugh. It must be the DRUGS. Because I had so many dream symbols concentrated in such a small area of my dream that I couldn't even decipher what the hell my mind was trying to say. I guess I should write it out huh? I'm not sure your ready for the world of Bree...my mind is a scary place to venture....

TOO LATE. Your in that bitch now!!! So I can't tell you how it begins, but I can tell you I am at my last boyfriend's parents house. or at least in a picture of it. the picture was of the shrubbery. green with a magenta color blossoming all over. I was enjoying being in that picture until the frame of it moved over and I saw his car. then I was mad. that ruined the picture...Now in my dreams, no matter how often I have been to a place, everything is super out of place. the kitchen might be on the roof, my bedroom filled with weird things I've never had before in my life...so there are two doors when I walk inside. His sister's room and his. that's all. And both are closed. His is straight ahead of me, and hers to the left. I give a heavy sigh...because I know he's in there I can hear his characteristic mumbling...and a girlish giggle that follows (pretty depressing right?) . instead I find my way to some back patio and step outside. In all my anguish I notice in the tree, seemingly growing out of the porch, a huge nest with 2 baby birds in them. They were pretty huge to be babies but I'll just assume they were because a huge parent bird flew and landed next to them. I watched as the parent bird held between it's beak a fish. A fish that had a neon line of green running down it's side. The bird held the fish by the mouth as if it's beak was a fisherman's hook. I continued to watch as the bird (which originally looked more like an eagle) looked more and more, prehistoric, kind of unrealistic. Light blue and white it tossed the fish into the nest and one baby started attacking it...if not gumming it. The, I guess, mother bird began feeding the other baby. And of course as birds do, threw up in its mouth. I immediately began snickering at the action. Maybe it was the child in me... who knows, it's a dream.
  Either way, the mama bird didn't take likely to it. and looked over at me angrily. Which made me snicker even more. It became a laugh when the bird jumped down and walked over angrily as I ran inside and closed the screen door. the bird cawed and pecked at the glass screen angrily and I stood inside holding the door close laughing hysterically at the bird. That part didn't make much sense. And then the dream goes back to sorta reality. that I am in his parent's house. No one seems to be dealing with me. everyone is locked in their little rooms. Why am I there? nothing good will come of it... and I end up back in that strange hallway with his door in front of me and his sister's door to my left. and I stand at his door with my hand on it. almost like to push it open. But afraid to find what could be behind it. So I turn to his sister's door. From the outside I can hear her dad and mom having a heated discussion about god knows what. I walk in and its only her and her mother inside. Her mother rubbing her forearm over and over again, wearing a color that stood out but I can't remember, talking about something I'd rather not disclose...Her mom looks at me, makes a direct, non dreamy, statement, and I wake up.

If I could kick myself I would. There is nothing worse than dreaming of someone who still continues to make you cry. Its almost liken to torture. Still, in the end....what I really took away from this dream.... is that I have a fascination with bird regurgitation. At the least, I must think it's funny. But seriously, why did that happen in the middle of one of my episodic depressive dreams?

Regardless, I don't want to have anymore dreams about him. They are getting weirder and weirder, but at the same time more realistic and it's freaking me out. Its almost like he's finding a way to mock me (thats just CWAZY talk). And I don't really like it too much (twitch lol...). Maybe I should lay off the DRUGS. lol. I'm just... feeling pretty miserable (again) as of late. going from "I think I can, I think I can" to "I just can't anymore..." all this wish washy, flip floppy, I hate you, I love you, I wish you would trip and break your leg so I could take you out into the woods to a cabin and do a scene from the movie "Misery" type shit to you lol. Truth is I'm not really into causing pain...I'm a babyface. So, most likely, I would probably bring a sledge hammer for show and then start crying like a baby in front of you for the rest of the movie scene. (sigh)...I think its pretty clear that I'm a complete and beautiful mess....

Just a blurb: Snow Day

So I'm going to use the rest of this snow day to write. I will finally write up Mel's Burger and work on some stories. send me your good vibes --_--' so I don't end up falling asleep, reading manga, or watching Avatar cartoons all day instead lol.

Ciao baby.

The Slowing of Night

"I don't mind. its just that we're so far from each other..."

Kind of like how the sun is far from the earth...I wanted to text back. but I didn't. That text message I received has no deep meaning. It was a simple text. With no profound emotion behind it; about the distance from here to Long Island, written by a friend. But after spending a good portion of my night staring at the wall...It made me think about two things that I can't control. Time...and distance. Hell, there is so much I can't control naming them would be pointless....But Something I've always understood to be out of my control, even when I was a child, was time and distance. My father used to go away for a weekend or so once a year. Back then you could walk with your loved ones to the boarding area. Back before the fuss surrounding inadequate security. I remember staring out the window. at the big plane my father would take off in. He'd give me hugs and kisses and I'd watch him take off into the distance...for what seemed like forever. And of course, I would cry. At that age, I had never flown in a plane before. And I was still trying to really understand the concept that it could be 12pm here...at 9am in California. But all of it, seemed so out of my control. I always had a problem with the unknown, the unexplained, and the inability to make sense of whats not tangible; whats not physical. So I write all this to say....that time and distance...scares me.

I can't explain the emptying feeling that balls up inside me at the thought of the two in conjunction. Its probably because time and distance equals change. And change is hard for me. For a long time now, I've been trying to change some things, without destroying my little universe; which is proving impossible. It produces a feeling that I can only explain as...a burning or being engulfed by fire. Like, almost catching aflame without warning. the ultimate example of lack of control. Not to be dramatic...but that's the best way to explain it. Sometimes I feel like my insides are about to burst into flames and I become panicked. Me, because I think too much, spontaneously combusting because of it. Completely disappearing without a trace where I stood.

Without a trace...saying that reminds me of a 'dinner time' conversation we had. Sometimes we talk about some really heavy stuff. The child I nanny for is getting older, and his mother tries the best she can to answer his questions. He asked about atomic bombs, Hiroshima, and how it all worked. As she explained it I imagined everyday people going about their normal day. Mundane tasks, light laughter. And not so much a blast of destruction, but a wave of release. That made them disappear  in a blink of an eye. A beautifully...unnecessary...loss of life. A devastation. A wipe out. Physically speaking anyways. She continued to to try and explain the difference between a bomb, that explodes, that combusts, and how an atomic bomb unlaces, creating energy, and becomes unstable. Falls apart.

She went on to explain hydrogen bombs as well, using her fingers as an example, interlocking them to show the bonds, and peeling them back to show them dissolving...quite like the flesh of the people in my imagination....And it all just dulled me...made me placid. Maybe that's how I really feel...like an atomic bomb....so much energy inside me.... even though i may seem so empty...slowly unlacing...and causing destruction, whatever destruction may mean in that sense (expression?). what I wouldn't give to be that weak undeserving creature who could never in their dreams survive such a molecular assault from me, the human atomic bomb. Just dissolve into nothing. Just ...released. No, not physically, but mentally. Pretty much what I'm saying is...I don't want to bubble up inside like an atomic bomb, or be empty like I am at night. I don't want to explode either. I don't need the mess that will follow after it...I just want to...stop thinking the way I do. In ways that keep me up when I should be sleeping. or trouble me while I'm sitting alone on a train. Because in the end, I do live by the hands of the clock...and its distance from one number to the next is almost like the distance from the sun to the earth....for everyone but me. I just don't have the time for this....

I had a dream...and the sun pretty much was mocking me. Burning like it does.... When I woke up the sun was still down; only slivers of light made it into the sky at 4 am. I didn't say it out loud...but I did wonder..."When will I really... wake up?"

2011

I would like to wish the entire world a Happy New Years.

A lot of people try all this "Ima be different this year!!" crap whenever New Years rolls around. "I'ma work out more" "I'ma cut ties with my ex's" "Ima be married by the end of 2011." Please.... you had all of 2010 to do that. If you didn't do it then, then why even make a resolution to do it now. Just freakin' do it already!! Stop using the start of a year as an accuse because by February you'll  be paying for a gym membership you hardly use.  I do think, however, that New Years should be a renewal period. you should feel a sense of refreshment because it is a beginning. Winter will be coming to a close soon and Spring, in my opinion, is a rebirth. It's a cycle just like all things that live: birth(Spring) life(Summer) transition (Autumn) death (Winter). Unless your Buddhist, The only life that can be reincarnated is Mother Nature's.

Right as December came to a close, a blizzard blew through New York City. There was so much snow and nothing green for miles. But now, just a week later, I'm seeing the signs of life returning. as the snow melts away, little blades of grass are popping up just as alive as ever. This gives me hope for my future. After such a trying year of juggling work and school like some sort of intensely trained circus monkey; while simultaneously keeping up with friends, family, and a boy I fell in love with, only to have my year end with hurt feelings and unintentional, yet, appreciated weight loss...I can go on...; I think I deserve a renewed sense of worthiness. I've yet to really put any sort of value in my worth as a human being, but I'm sure one day I will see what it is. As long as my 'lost 20 something' years don't follow me into my 30, 40, 50, etc...I think I will be fine. I think.

I'm finally graduating. with a degree in a subject I am good at but lazy with. I have no clue what I will be doing from here on out. All I know is I'm ready to be a vagabond. I'm ready to roam where ever the wind takes me. I'm ready to be poor for a very long time until my student loans are payed back. Wait did I say I was ready? I mean half ready...Half of me wants to be wild, adventurous, spirited, awakened. The other half wants to be clingy, with good company, and a steady routine so I can have a sense of control over my situation I like to call life. Sometimes I wonder if I really am a Gemini. Because the two feelings are so opposing and strong (though supposedly, Cancers are extremely indecisive).

I think a good representation of what I want this very minute is to be complacent. I know being complacent is usually used negatively...but that would be better than lost. If I were complacent, I would have a modest paying job working in my career field. I would have lovely roommates to share the electric bill with whom I drink wine and talk about philosophical ideas and deep thoughts with. I wouldn't be rich, but I wouldn't be poor. I would be able to go out and have tasty food two or three times a month and I would spend a lot of time being kind of a hipster, eclectic, different, and floating by. I would like that very much. Not for my entire life mind you (the truth is I will never grow up, but that lifestyle would have to change eventually right?), but for a while; just long enough to get my loans re-payed and enjoy a non-married existence with great times, good food, and friends. Am I asking for too much...?

Perhaps I am, but I think everyone should strive for something similar. Something that makes them happy without putting them in harms way (which is hard now a days...) or exerting too much effort. It's a complacent little slice of heaven I'm searching for; in order to live out the rest of my 20's. The Idea that I'm getting older isn't too exciting, not like it used to be. Before I knew that it meant I would get to do more things. Now it seems I will get to do more things like actually work! Truth is, I'm a hippy. Sure I work hard when I have to, but if I didn't have to I'd be sipping mimosas on a beach somewhere writing a mediocre book that Oprah would endorse soon after it was finished.

Life shouldn't be running around, working hard, and not being able to save your money to put towards the future. It should be about living. So with the ending of 2010, I learned that is exactly what I have to do. There is no doubt that my 2010 was good. it would have been amazing but towards the end.... things fell apart. That too is a part of life. But now It's 2011. Regardless of what trials and tribulations I may face this year, I know it will be a great year. Because I am taking steps towards a better future by graduating. I am amazing. You are too. Sometimes I look in the mirror and tell myself that: "I am amazing. I am beautiful. I'm not perfect. I should never be expected to be perfect. I deserve the best and I am doing something with my life." I should say it every day, maybe I wouldn't be such a pessimist.

If you ever feel low, you should say it too. Especially the "I am amazing, I am beautiful" part. Take a deep breath and just accept your awesomeness...

Ciao my amazing babies!