2011

I would like to wish the entire world a Happy New Years.

A lot of people try all this "Ima be different this year!!" crap whenever New Years rolls around. "I'ma work out more" "I'ma cut ties with my ex's" "Ima be married by the end of 2011." Please.... you had all of 2010 to do that. If you didn't do it then, then why even make a resolution to do it now. Just freakin' do it already!! Stop using the start of a year as an accuse because by February you'll  be paying for a gym membership you hardly use.  I do think, however, that New Years should be a renewal period. you should feel a sense of refreshment because it is a beginning. Winter will be coming to a close soon and Spring, in my opinion, is a rebirth. It's a cycle just like all things that live: birth(Spring) life(Summer) transition (Autumn) death (Winter). Unless your Buddhist, The only life that can be reincarnated is Mother Nature's.

Right as December came to a close, a blizzard blew through New York City. There was so much snow and nothing green for miles. But now, just a week later, I'm seeing the signs of life returning. as the snow melts away, little blades of grass are popping up just as alive as ever. This gives me hope for my future. After such a trying year of juggling work and school like some sort of intensely trained circus monkey; while simultaneously keeping up with friends, family, and a boy I fell in love with, only to have my year end with hurt feelings and unintentional, yet, appreciated weight loss...I can go on...; I think I deserve a renewed sense of worthiness. I've yet to really put any sort of value in my worth as a human being, but I'm sure one day I will see what it is. As long as my 'lost 20 something' years don't follow me into my 30, 40, 50, etc...I think I will be fine. I think.

I'm finally graduating. with a degree in a subject I am good at but lazy with. I have no clue what I will be doing from here on out. All I know is I'm ready to be a vagabond. I'm ready to roam where ever the wind takes me. I'm ready to be poor for a very long time until my student loans are payed back. Wait did I say I was ready? I mean half ready...Half of me wants to be wild, adventurous, spirited, awakened. The other half wants to be clingy, with good company, and a steady routine so I can have a sense of control over my situation I like to call life. Sometimes I wonder if I really am a Gemini. Because the two feelings are so opposing and strong (though supposedly, Cancers are extremely indecisive).

I think a good representation of what I want this very minute is to be complacent. I know being complacent is usually used negatively...but that would be better than lost. If I were complacent, I would have a modest paying job working in my career field. I would have lovely roommates to share the electric bill with whom I drink wine and talk about philosophical ideas and deep thoughts with. I wouldn't be rich, but I wouldn't be poor. I would be able to go out and have tasty food two or three times a month and I would spend a lot of time being kind of a hipster, eclectic, different, and floating by. I would like that very much. Not for my entire life mind you (the truth is I will never grow up, but that lifestyle would have to change eventually right?), but for a while; just long enough to get my loans re-payed and enjoy a non-married existence with great times, good food, and friends. Am I asking for too much...?

Perhaps I am, but I think everyone should strive for something similar. Something that makes them happy without putting them in harms way (which is hard now a days...) or exerting too much effort. It's a complacent little slice of heaven I'm searching for; in order to live out the rest of my 20's. The Idea that I'm getting older isn't too exciting, not like it used to be. Before I knew that it meant I would get to do more things. Now it seems I will get to do more things like actually work! Truth is, I'm a hippy. Sure I work hard when I have to, but if I didn't have to I'd be sipping mimosas on a beach somewhere writing a mediocre book that Oprah would endorse soon after it was finished.

Life shouldn't be running around, working hard, and not being able to save your money to put towards the future. It should be about living. So with the ending of 2010, I learned that is exactly what I have to do. There is no doubt that my 2010 was good. it would have been amazing but towards the end.... things fell apart. That too is a part of life. But now It's 2011. Regardless of what trials and tribulations I may face this year, I know it will be a great year. Because I am taking steps towards a better future by graduating. I am amazing. You are too. Sometimes I look in the mirror and tell myself that: "I am amazing. I am beautiful. I'm not perfect. I should never be expected to be perfect. I deserve the best and I am doing something with my life." I should say it every day, maybe I wouldn't be such a pessimist.

If you ever feel low, you should say it too. Especially the "I am amazing, I am beautiful" part. Take a deep breath and just accept your awesomeness...

Ciao my amazing babies!