Brianne the Conqueror

It's just been one of those days. I was literally about to break down into tears earlier, but when I think about my future I can't help but get excited. I'm trying my damnedest to be something, to do something; to have a piece of the dream. I know for a fact I am talented. I've worked too hard to let these things get me down....but I'm human just like everyone else. My mind as of late is weak. I've spent all of my creativity on filming and writing. I read when I'm on the train and write papers on the day that they are due. I've only had positive feedback. Yet I still have time to lose sleep over the stress of all the what-ifs of the world. I am terribly stressed about graduating. It sounds like a huge contradiction I know. All I talk about is how happy I am to be finally done with school. However, change is a very scary thing. How should I begin my story...

It all revolves around change. I remember standing in the lunchroom of Stone Mountain High back in 2004. I was trying not to procrastinate as I often did. I knew for a fact I had to go to college....the entire school administration drilled that into my head. But I was lethargic to say the least. I looked into two schools on my own using the collegeboard: Georgia State and LaGrange. I also picked a two-year school just in case. All I knew was I wanted to help people. I felt a sense of accomplishment when I did. My grades were not amazing. And I had trouble paying attention in class. But that day in the lunchroom changed everything. A college fair. tables were lined up across the back wall during my lunch period. I walked over to a few tables and browsed not really interested. Suddenly, a name caught my eye. I stood in front of a table with a plain white banner in front of it: The University of West Georgia. Never heard of it. The recruiters talked to me about this and that. They had a Nursing program. I went home did a little research, I mean REAL little, and decided to add it to the list. Georgia State was where I wanted to be. The other schools were just in cases.

And wouldn't you know it I didn't get in. In fact, I got into all of my second choices. It was pretty disheartening. I was really wanted Georgia State. So it came down to West Georgia for nursing, or LaGrange for environmental science. My mother said I would always be able to find a job in nursing. So I picked West Georgia. Ended up being the best two years of my life, if you over look any immaturity on my part. It was also a party school. Everyone said I had to have known, but the truth is I didn't start learning about its reputation or how many people, including my principal, graduated from it until i got accepted. The plan was to transfer to Georgia State and finish there. I transferred... I started doing poorly. It seemed Georgia State wasn't what I thought it would be.I did pretty terrible. It was too hustle and bustle for me. So I took some time off to collect myself. Knowing that West Georgia had changed since I was away, going back meant disappointment. I decided to go to another small school. Kennesaw State. A semester into it I was offered a Job in New York City.

If you need help counting the years, it's five. I spent five years chasing dreams. Things didn't pan out the way I thought they would. I struggled, I changed my mind, I lost myself. I'm not a fan of change, but I do understand its importance. So I moved far away from my family and friends to show myself and the world that I was more than average, I was intelligent, if not a bit random; I was determined. I was alone in New York City. I struggled with loneliness. I didn't meet anyone until a year later. I missed meals only my parents could make. I missed dinner dates with friends, and late night movies with my boyfriend. I was a mess. But I decided to stay another year. After running around Lehman College trying to figure out what degree I could take on without having to apply to a program, I found that communications fit the bill. I wanted to do journalism in Georgia but got all types of negative responses. This way, I could learn about journalism AND television AND film AND creative writing. It was perfect. And If I acted quickly I could major in a program that wouldn't be offered the following semester, which meant I could ride the last wave out. If I worked hard, and luck was on my side with the classes offered, I could graduate in 3 semesters.

Here I am. 3 semesters later. I am about to graduate. It took me almost 7 years in my head, though I took 2 years off. That's still too long...but I'm often hard on myself. So much struggle for a piece of paper only to become riddled with anxiety at the thought of leaving school behind. Maybe it is more than that. Maybe its responsibility. College is the last free frontier. Once you become an adult, its pretty depressing. All we do is work and get cancer in this country...But when you're a student, you can party and just be. Sure your poor, but you have your freedom. I can't see myself as a slave to the system. I'm too day-dreamy; too free spirited.

Of course I am also suffering from heartachious...aka, love pains. Its pretty pathetic in my head. How can someone so insignificant to the world hold so much power over my heart? Well he wasn't insignificant to me. I've ranted and raved, and thrown tantrums. But the truth is I was stupid in love. Head over heels, rosed-colored, cloud nine, Mr. Right, He's the one in love....its embarrassing to say the least. truth is I hate using the L word. So if I say it, I mean it. And I meant it. What really sucks is I think I'm still in love, so it hurts even more. I really don't want the feeling... Its like a deep cut with sand, salt and dirt in it...its healing over all the debris, but underneath the scab, its still a huge ass mess. It won't heal properly unless I take proper care... I will let you in on a secret...I was a bit depressed before the break-up. Not about him really. I was stressed because they were not offering the classes I needed and sometimes I just fall into a low state. Also, he became increasingly 'busy' and when asked about it he told me it was work and that he missed me a lot...which made me feel guilty for leaving. I was extremely depressed during the break-up. I thought I was dying. No closure, just waves of confusion and pain. Now, I think I am just hurt from the break-up. I don't think I'm depressed anymore. I believe this because I'm sleeping at night, I'm not dreaming about him as much, I'm eating, and I'm smiling for real. Its a different type of feeling, feeling depressed and feeling sad. I don't know how to explain it really...one is feeling down; you sigh and you go back to work. The other is feeling like a void, absolutely nothing. Like everything is falling through you but not. You're lost and empty, and I can only explain it as your soul hurts. Its an emotional, not physical, pain I will never be able to describe. You feel like you're dying... Now I just feel hurt...I don't want to dwell on it, but  no one will ever know the words that were said to me right before it all fell apart...They contradict so much with his actions that it's mind boggling.

Lets move on....Now it turns into a soap opera. I'm going to move in with my long time male friend. We have the most amazing opposite sex friendship in the world. No one can replace him and vice versa.. Did I mention he's a past lovely? We do so well as friends. I'm worried we might start ya know...liking each other again lol.... I used to want that to happen, but time passed. All that 'I like you' tension kind of passed too. Not to mention I'm a bit crazed at the moment. Oh, and obviously not ready for any type of relationship. Bad timing as usual.... But I need a friend more than ever right now. Someone I know well to be in my corner and next to me. He's excited. He wants to write things together. That makes me smile. We love to write. We have such crazy humor and we make up for each other's short-comings. It will be great to produce something with him.... I mean on paper...

I think this is the longest blog entry in the history of man. I guess I had a lot on my mind. I've been really busy... I work as a nanny. That means working around the clock. I am also in school full-time. Did I forget to mention I'm taking 21 hours...I had to get permission to do so; and my internship is every Thursday. I work from 9 to 5 like a good adult. I'm actually being productive. I think because these classes are less testing and more creating and writing. I'm doing so well. Maybe I find so much interest in it all (except journalism. I'm so glad I did not take it in Georgia...I'm not a fan at all. but I'm an okay journalist it seems). I need to stop typing. I'm sure my readers are asleep by now.

Thanks for listening.