Across the Universe

I would do anything to be a million light years away from here...

What I mean by 'here' is this feeling I have. I have to say, in comparison to my previous crying spells and 'sleepy' appearance, I am now just deep sighing and feeling my worse at night. Visiting home was a big worry of mine. I didn't know how I would handle it. At first I felt strange...I was coming home and didn't immediately see him. But after my friends and family came to my side, I was able to actually have fun. So I began to worry about what would happen when I went back to New York. Alone.

Well, I'm still here. I haven't fallen off of the face of the earth. But now I don't have little brothers asking to play video games, eating IHOP late with friends, or hugs and kisses from mommy and daddy. I think the short hand version would be that I have nothing to occupy my time. Sure I am out and about., running errands and such, but I am back to being number one, as in alone. Today I talked with a lot of people on Skype which was nice, but as the new year comes in, I know everyone will be back to work, school, and family life. Which makes me wonder if I am cut out to be an adult. I don't seem to do these things too well (though school as of late has been amazing).

So it is now time for me to figure what to do in the next chapter of my life. 'Should I stay or should I go now?' That song was playing in my head for a year and a half when it came to should I stay in New York or should I go back home to Georgia. Since someone made a decision for me to cut Georgia out of the equation, now its 'should I stay or should I go now' as in stay in New York, or go abroad. Two of my friends are off on an adventure of new culture and excitement. I, however, am pretty home bodied. I would love to travel but a year is such a long time to me. I like being close to family and friends. Its just in my nature. On the flip side, going to another country sounds so adventurous. I'm black, wear an afro, and have large feet. I can't imagine too many places I would fit in perfectly in Europe, but who cares! I'll be in Europe right? I guess. I have this love-hate relationship with traveling. Love the idea. Hate the flying. Love the exploration. hate the timeliness. It would be such an easy decision if...

Okay...so you already know its about a guy...But hear me out. Not in the way you'd think. I'm kind of jaded at the thought of relationships right now. kind of don't want anything to do with them. BUT I do believe in the power of a certain relationship. Friendship. Nothing more, nothing less (though It would be a blatant lie if I said I wouldn't mind more). I have a friend whom I hold very dear. He's always been upfront and honest with me, and never lead me to believe anything outrageous. I've known him for 5 years and during the last 4 years he never once made any type of advance on me. He's motivated, he can hold a job, and...he loves New York City. If I stay in New York, I could have a roommate and a close friend. It would make being here so much easier. Other than my parents flipping their lids at the idea of me and a man living together (unmarried) I don't see any negatives. My parents' approval are very important to me, however, I feel comfortable with the idea of living with this friend and I know from experience that he can be trusted in the affairs of money and boundaries

A guy has hardly stopped me before from moving far away to chase a dream. If I want something bad enough, I'm going to do it regardless. But when weighing it all, I found that me up and running away to Tokyo might be a little rash of me. Here me out: I only moved to New York 2 years ago...which was me displacing myself in the name of education. Then I am suppose to displace myself once again after JUST beginning to feel comfortable and making friends (Which took me over a year to make!). I think I should sit around. think about it a bit. Who knows...maybe I can pursuade someone to follow me to the ends of the Earth...like to Germany... (yea right)

Ciao bebe.

Stone Temple Pilots-Down

*he always called me his 'Sunday girl' like from the stone temple pilots song. "Nice to meet you, I've been waiting for my Sunday girl" I was supposedly who he had been waiting for...*


Tonight I took a long hot shower. I washed my hair and plaited it for bed. I lotioned up and put on my pajamas, got in bed, and burst into tears. Its been almost a month and just when I thought I had made it past the rocks, I find myself back at the beginning. I am really hurt. I spend most mornings tossing in my bed or staring at the ceiling. I keep a rolling journal entry of how I feel in the morning and some people I've met as of late. It was helping I thought. But my problem is there was so much here that reminded me of him. I had pictures, voicemails, Valentine cards, his shirts... Thats a lot. I can't remember ever feeling this distraught before. I've had a bad breakup before, and I was pretty hurt from that one too. but compared to this one that first one was a walk in the park. I'm suppose to say "fuck him, I can do bad all by myself" but the truth is  up until a month ago I was thinking maybe I should really go on to the next level, stop worrying, and become even more serious.
  When  I first moved away I started thinking maybe this was not going to work. I really questioned him. Over time I realized I met guys all over New York, but I always told them about him, and I never said I wanted anything more than a friendship. When I saw him 7 months later in March I knew I was still crazy about him. And even though I still had feelings for someone else, He was who I wanted. I knew that. and I told him that (how I felt about the other person, but how I felt about him). I know people make mistakes. I already knew about the women. I couldnt hold it against him. I was so far away...but it was the lying that really got me...It was the leading me on even after I made it clear that if he was to find someone, I needed to know so our conversations could change, so I could move on. Maybe he wanted his cake and to eat it too. All I know is this caused me to lose my closest two contacts in one fatal swoop and I was alone in New York. And he was not.
  I think everyone knows I didn't handle the situation correctly. I can admit to that. I exploded. I remembered back to all of our past conversations leading up to the confrontation. Not once did he say he had moved on or that he liked someone. When I couldn't contact him, he always had a reason. I even said, "i'm worried. I feel like I'm losing you." What I got in response is "I feel the same way" and a bunch of  "I love you's" and "I miss you's" and talk of visiting my parents, my smile, and marriage...something I've never seriously considered with anyone up until a year ago. That may be what makes it so painful. When I get serious. As long as I keep my heart halfway out of the relationship, I'm usually fine. But the two times I followed my heart it lead me right off the edge of a cliff. So what is a girl to do? Not only am I not interested in meeting anyone, but I still spend a good portion of my alone time reliving last months pain. This week was the first week I've smiled in a while according to my classmate. Which made me think I was getting better (and I'm sure I am) but i keep relapsing. I've NEVER dreamt of him. Until now...but that is only when I actually sleep. I'm not sure if its the stress of this final week of school, my job, him, or a combination of  all three, but Im anxious. I'm insomniatic. I'm not very hungry, I can't tell if I'm tired unless I get a headache or I'm sitting on a moving train. My brain doesn't turn off. I got behind in my school work. And I made my counselor worry. I have to say, I'm just not dealing with this so well.
  When I'm talking to people I begin to tremble. This is kind of worrisome to me. I can't control my nerves anymore. It comes and goes though. And I'm overly emotional now. I have no patience for anything. I tremble uncontrollably  when doing activities involving my hands. The only thing that got me through was the boy I take care of. He knew something was wrong Im sure and was all over me for days. He would hug my arm and tell me he wanted me to stay forever. He made jokes and wanted to talk about God knows what at the time. And I put on a brave face for him (though it didn't fool his parents, or anyone else. everyone thought I was dreadfully sick).
  I think I finally needed to write about what happened. I sort of kind of wrote about it, but I haven't been in the mood to do anything I usually enjoy doing. A good example was I finally obtained a copy of the final volume of a manga series I was reading. problem was it was a romance. Even worse, the boyfriend of the story's heroine reminded me of him. they literally had the same personality (as i pointed out to him once) just not the same way of treating girls I guess... by the end of the story I had mixed emotions. I was somewhat content with the ending, then sullen by the story and how it reminded me of him. I put the book back on the shelf and realized reading it actually made me feel bad. I sighed and tried my best to find something comical to read. But after that, I just wanted to get in my bed.
  I've never been so personal on my blog. I try to keep the deep details of my life to myself. posting them online is hardly a smart thing to do. But this one cuts really deep. I'm far from my parents, from my friends, and from my southern comfort. Thank God I am too busy to drink or do drugs.(I had this conversation with some classmates, how do you even get drugs??). So I turn to the only thing I have that emits warmth: my computer. I hope that if I throw myself mercifully to the 'data gods' maybe I will have blabbed enough to get it out of my system. Finally being at peace. Because the emotions I keep going through seem to change at will and I'm spiraling out of control when it comes to pulling myself together. I know he's not the best thing in the world. I realized he had A LOT of faults. That doesn't change how I felt. I'm sure theres much better to be found, but that doesn't change how this feels. My biggest fear from the beginning was the circumstances. Dating a friend's brother is quite a balancing act. Him and I spoke a few times about what would happen if we really broke up, broke up. I was worried how that would affect my friendship. and Now I see exactly how its affecting it. Needless to say, I will NOT be dating ANY of my friend's family members again...It just complicates things.
 
  So where do I go to from here? I have no idea. It took me a very long time to get over that first really bad break up (and a rebound that was beyond a bad choice). It took a very long time. So now, I have to do it all over again, only with even deeper feelings attached to it. I was told to remember the good times but when I do it makes me question if any of it was real. Back in June he surprised me by initiating a kiss. I remember really taking it all in because he's so awkward with kisses and finds them embarrassing. I believe I kissed him more on the cheek then I ever did his lips.... But we sat next to each other and he turned to me and gave me one of the most passionate kisses he could muster and I closed my eyes and told myself, "He REALLY must love me..." I also just plain feel sad thinking about things that will never be again. I don't date more than once. when its over, its over. And this....is very much over.
  I've just poured my heart out. I hope nothing but the best for him (most of the time) and I just pray that I can stop feeling so terrible. I feel like such a pitiful person, such a sorry girl. An idiot to say the least. I don't think I should ever question my instincts again. though when it comes to the affairs of the heart, the brain has very little control over what will happen next. I made my choice to come to New York. And in the end, it was the best choice for me in order to finish school (which I will be finishing in May). Its been a struggle, and I had to make a decision to either stay in Georgia and possibly never graduate, or leave, which meant leaving him. I do respect him for never asking me to stay. Not once (though he did nothing but complain once I was up here). He always told me I was doing something for the future, and I always assumed that future included him. funny how quickly a future can change. And the timing of this was just all wrong. With all the things already going on in my life, with all the problems I was trying to combat, this really blindsided me. I think what really makes me a bit sad is that I had recently told him I wanted to talk to him when I came home to visit.I should have realized when he kept asking me when I was coming home that something was up. Yes, I wanted to stay in new york. I wanted him to come. I knew he's not big on changing, but if I couldn't persuade him, I would consider moving back. Yes, if I moved back to Georgia, it was solely for him. Now I don't know where I will be after May 2011. I have no reason to come home (of course my family, but you know what I mean). I'm just...I'm just here. I wake up every morning hoping its a dream. that we can start last month over again (or the last few months). He will tell me he likes and is interested in someone, he won't tell me I'm his dream girl or that he loves me. I will cry to my friends that he found someone new. They will say 'I'm sorry to hear that, and lets go out and party now that your single.' I would be moving on by now, with a past boyfriend who is now just my friend. Unfortunately, that will never happen now. And I do place blame on him for that.

Golden Casket Burials From My Childhood

I used every resource imaginable in order to take a nap today. It only lasted 25 minutes, but in that time I dreamt of my childhood.

I remember on cool fall days, usually deep into November, playing  outside at night  regardless of how often I saw my breath cascading clearly in front of me. Often times I would be with my brothers, cousins, or a combination of both. I always loved being outside at night, especially when the moon rose high and round and i could play with it shaping my hands around it hiding it behind trees, and dancing beneath it. One particular night stands out among the others: It was Thanksgiving night and as usual the deliciousness shared among families across the country, turkey, yams, collard greens, and home style mac and cheese, were not ready yet. As was 'tradition' in my family, we ate late because we began late, because we cooked late. I didn't learn until i grew much older that people began eating their heavy dinners some time around 4 or 5 pm, while my family once (or maybe even thrice) ate well past midnight. And on this particular night my siblings, cousins, and I played outside past 7 o'clock. Again, being that it were November, the leaves had all fallen from the trees and began to crunch beneath your feet; I remember them, gold and brown, huge and curling in on themselves, maple leaves from the surrounding trees on the plot that was then my Aunt's house. and we ran about collecting those beautiful little treasures some of us in masses, some of us carefully one by one, until a pile began to grow. And we would each take turns laying in that pile while being buried by our great treasures at the hands of family. This is about where my dream replays this little token of my past. Laughing and laying on top of the harden cold ground with a layer of crinkly crunchy leaves and covering your eyes and nose and mouth so not to get leave bits inside them. And my cousins would giggle and my brothers would laugh and i was completely covered by leaves of all sorts. And much like my memory believes, I sit and try to look through that pile of leaves silent and smiling, no longer covering my eyes but peering out to see the moonlight break through the leafy barrier, to reach me and sit underneath in complete tranquility. I remember no warmth really being produced by the leaves but they still made for a good shelter from the cold. I remember we would wait a bit and burst forth from the leaves, siting upright or jumping out of the pile in its entirety with a roar of laughter choosing whom will be next to be 'buried alive' in leaves. But this afternoon as I dreamt of my turn, I remember smiling through the leaves and seeing clearly through them up at the branches of a bare tree, behind which a full moon hung low in the sky. I smelled the earth and leaves mixing around me, and i felt the cold ground beneath me. and i continued peering through those leaves with the laughter of my cousins and brothers fading and the sounds of the night taking their place. and i felt comfort. Again, a little shelter it became and it was as if the ground lost its frigidness and the space I occupied, infinite. and I closed my eyes happy as a clam to be underneath that pile of leaves, the pretty gold and yellow ones were so soft, the brown ones so warm. And I woke up. I almost fell completely out of my bed  from the blaring alarm I had set an hour and a half earlier (that is how long it took me to doze off), how stiff I had become in a 25 minute nap, but after obtaining a total of 2 hours the night before I assumed my body slept hard for those few minutes. I remembered my little flashback/dream and wondered why, unlike within my memories, I had elected to stay in that pile of leaves for eternity. I do remember way back then, not popping out immediately like my lovely family members. There was something about nature I adored, but even more, something about laying beneath the leaves I found amazing, within my control, and serene. This memory is not a passing one, I've  thought back of it times before, especially during fall when piles of leaves begin to stack up along the sidewalks and throughout our neighbor's yards. However, it was a first time I ever dreamed of it. I don't remember half the things my brothers do from our childhood when we are all together talking about them, but I remember piles of leaves. I remember cat sanctuary. I remember the hidden plains that took you to bushels of honey suckles, and I remember exploring the creek in the back yard (against the wishes of our parents and our better judgment as chlildren). These things I hold dear, because other things I remember involved me often in too deep of thought for a child and inexplicably sad.  I do wonder what that pile of leaves represents in my mind's eye and why I cherish it so deeply. Perhaps that night we ate early (which would be a Thanksgiving miracle) or, perhaps, it represents something very deep, my little sanctuary within my child brain . I'm not sure. All I know is after shaking the stiffness away and really waking up, I stared out the windows at the little gold leaves that had recently fallen from the trees out front. Since I am not in Georgia, they are something other than maple, but bold and pretty non the less. I looked upon those leaves with a heavy need and/or wish to curl beneath them once again. My childhood version of Heaven.

Can't Stop Won't Stop

Its starting to get hard to keep up with my blogging. In the month of September, I only was able to post twice, and those were special addition ones. However, I'm writing more now than I ever was before. Its just all school related. Perhaps I need to learn to manage my time better lol...Truth is I waste a good amount of time doing nothing. At least thats what it feels like. I need to stay off of Facebook. I don't do anything but sit and wait for *insert person's name here*. But its not only that. I scour the internet in search of answers to 'life's' annoying little questions: "whats the different between jam and jelly?" "How to make bread crumbs" "Hm...If I wanted to fly to Guam On October 17, 2012, it would be $346.00 dollars huh..Wonder how much for Fuji Island...." Needless to say I waste a lot of time wasting time. So why don't I write while I'm wasting all of this time? I'm not sure why yet. Probably because while I'm wasting time I should be doing homework, and while I should be doing homework I need to being doing my job, and while I''m doing my job I'm day dreaming of story ideas. Needless to say (once more) I'm pretty ass backwards. But I can't help it, its just the way my mind works. I've been breeming with creative juices for the past few weeks and yet have not given a second to writing them out. I just don't know how to organized my time and my thoughts. Though the fact that I consistently think and rethink, and change and remember it all is amazingly great. that way when I do take a second out of my non busy day, The idea is never lost. My greatest fear (and its an honest to God one) is that I will haphazardly and prematurely die before all of these wonderful Ideas are written out. I'm sure that may seem unusually morbid, but alas, this is actually something I think about. So In short, I, Brianne Glover, shall try my very best to write more for pleasure. I really want to publish within the next two years! (buuutttt, don't expect me to put any real EFFORT into that...*but what if I actually do*) Plot Twist!

Ciao Baby!

The Great Hair Debate: Sew-in Weaves

Well its been a good 2 weeks since my last blog (on this site anyways). It's mostly because school is in full swing and I am taking 18 hours of reading and writing. I may not be getting my writing on over here, but I am surely getting it on all over campus!

Afro by David Shankbone, New York City

So lets start a great hair debate! (Because being black and talking about hair goes hand and hand). I've recently been trying to figure out how to do a sew-in weave. I've done a few in the past but these attempts were very, veerrrryyy long ago. I mean freshman year of college long ago. And they didn't end so amazingly: I usually had a piece of track showing that I had no clue how to cover, I would just put a hair bow over it or some sort of band (or soft belt one night) to hide it. The fact was I never knew the next step! To recap: 2004, Youtube hadn't been invented yet!! (gawd, that makes me feel geezerish), and I had been sporting a fro for a good 3 years then. Fast forward 6 years and we end up with an endless stream of free and informative (and sometimes uninformative) videos about every type of sew-in I can imagine. That brings us to today's post. While scrolling down a video looking for another one to watch that may be related, I see a heated debate going on between two characters. Something along the lines of "sew-ins are an insult to your natural beauty" and "Shut up, your a cunt." (well a one sided debate I guess). I paused at the former comment. Insult...? Are they really? I continued to read on and found that a lot of girls seem to have a take on this debate in particular.

Courtesy of Tipdeck.com

 A growing population of 'au naturels' are saying that a sew-in is one of the best protective styles for your lovely curls. An equally natural opposing side says its a persona black women use to feel pretty and should be looked down upon. Another prominent side says its just all around bad for your hair. I'm not personally a fan of sew-ins to the degree where I can say I'm for or against them. However, In my experience, as long as your not using any glue, chemicals, or heating elements prior or throughout the process, it shouldn't be bad for your hair. That means top notch human hair that's not dyed or blended with synthetic fibers. I personally think as long as you keep your hair healthy and moisturized, minimal heat usage, and in its natural state, weaves and braids should be fine from time to time. I'm not sure if  I agree with the whole 'protective style' ideology though. That is because I wonder aloud "if I'm always protecting my hair, then technically I never get to wear my hair 'naturally' out. It will always be hidden behind a weave." What do you think? Are sew-ins suppose to be a natural girl's 'no-no' or can us curly tops and track setters coexist within the same person harmoniously? I'm not sure the answer really. All I know is we should probably get together and shun relaxed hair wearers so they seem like a minority!! LOL

Ciao Baby!

Bree Eats: Tales From the Street/Heaven on Broadway

  If I could bottle New York City and sell it to the rest of the country for a fantastic price, I would be rolling in dough. That’s right, its official: Brianne is finally blogging about NYC.  Regardless of this well awaited and anticipated dish on the city I now call home, I’d would like to start by saying well done NY... well done.

  When I say well done I don't mean my steak (oh God no!!), I mean in giving me something to write about. My best friend in the whole wide world! That’s right FOOOOODDD!!! If you think chick-fil-a is delish wait until you have buttermilk battered chicken from a number of diners and the ultimate of ultimate fast foods Falafels. That’s right, the food has taken hold of me when it comes to NYC. Is there anything better than walking down a street and realizing that you are hungry and there, no not the extremely overprices restaurant with white and green awnings, but over there, sitting on the corner is food heaven!! Boy oh boy do I love you street cart! That is not to say that the sit down places can't please you just as good on the same few dollars. If you are smart you will look around, and find gold all over the city. little pockets of tasty delight hidden behind parks or tucked away in nooks and crannies On Amsterdam and lower east Manhattan in its entirety.

Compliments of Google Images

  I don't know what I would do if Absolute Bagel vanished without warning. walking down the upper west side of Broadway, if you blink you might miss it; a tiny shop between a bustling marketplace and a copying store for Columbia University. Luckily for me, A wonderful acquaintance of mine offered to buy me a bagel since we were both going the same way. What a pleasure it was when she took me only a few blocks down just past 108th street. When you first enter you see them behind the counter making magic. rolling, boiling, and baking up little soft and delicious pieces of heaven. My first order ever was a plain bagel with jelly toasted. The magician taking my order looked at me strangely and asked If I was sure. You see in the morning, the bagels are really fresh. He sliced my bagel open and showed me, steam bellowing from the now in two cushions of softness, that the bagel was still pipping hot and in no real need of toasting. Well I took that as a sign to leave the awesome powers of a hot bagel be and bypassed the toasting. AMAZEMENT danced across my tongue with each bite! "I try not to come too often," my friend said sadly, "I could easily gain 15lbs and not care eating here every morning and afternoon"! Well put. I too could easily rack up the pounds without a care in the world! I had found a goldmine hidden in broad daylight. Of all the bagel shops I pass on a regular, none could claim they themselves baked fresh bagels daily. Days later, tried a buttered cinnamon raisin bagel from my new spot. A new favorite food was instantly born following my first bite. Someone shoot the cook, hes just too good at this (please don't...or I'll have so little to live for!!).

  So there you have it, a blog about a bagel shop off of Broadway near 108th. Absolute Bagel, check them out and fall in love with a bagel (and then cringe whenever you grab one that's not made fresh!). One of the many delicacies of the city and topping my list of good eats.

Chow baby.

Lets Play Pretend!!

  It has come to my attention that I take things the wrong way quite often and easily. I want more than anything to end this, well, endless cycle of being so... whats a good word for it...??? sensitive? I mean really? Especially since I can be quite a douche myself.  I think I do it as a way to combat what others do to me!! (see, I'm logical sometimes). The truth is, the logical thing to do would be to ignore it and if it persists, talk about it. But for me, I immediately turn into a child at the first sign of some one being a jerk! (Hey!! no fair, SO! I don't care...*pouting*) maybe I'm not as much as an adult as I believe myself to be. Oh who am I kidding, as I pretend to be. I still like eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches like its fine caviar. I ride my bike through big puddles and lift my feet off the pedals so not to get them wet. I make funny faces at passing cars whenever I get the chance!!. I'm the farthest thing from an adult and I think I need to just accept it. This by no means is a confession to me being immature. If anything I am the most mature of the child-like in nature that I know!! I hope it's not hard to believe someone to be both a mature prototype of an adult and a huge version of their former child self. We all want to believe that we have grown up so much in the six years since high school when in actuality we are still very much NOT adults. I mean, I haven't even had a drivers license for ten years.
  Either way, I know myself better than I try to lead myself into believing. I don't take jokes that are mean (in my opinion which mean they are really just teasing) very well. It probably has something to do with being self aware and conscious of difficulties and faults. Its easy to point out someones short comings in my mind( its easy to point lots of stuff out!!) but regardless of this way of thinking, I still find it increasingly hard for me to be at ease when some one pokes at me and pokes at me like that old snicker commercial that I can't seem to find anywhere on the internet!! (that kind of had nothing to do with anything, but it has been bothering me as of late...) See, I'm just a big kid at the end of the day, wearing the skin of some sort of adult with my beauty marks and puberty enlarged mammary glands. Getting older does not seem to change me into this upstanding citizen who pays taxes and works hard. No, I think those of us who still drink out of the milk cartoon or can live off of Ramen noodle for 3 years straight are stuck in this purgatory we call our early (fastly approaching) late 20's. We are hanging on to our old way, but also trying to reach out and grasp new and really boring things that adults do. So what will happen to us (am I grouping now?) who will never grow up. This reality makes me sad, to say the least, because there is no such thing as Peter Pan. WHERE WILL THESE PEOPLE WHO WILL NEVER GROW UP GO!!! I just hope that over time I will be able to become this wonderfully pitiful, always broke, burnt out shell of a human we call adults. One day, one day....(NEVER!!)


Ciao baby. (ADULT!!!)

 

Narcissus Is My Hero

This past spring I had the pleasure of taking a class about the classical writings of the great writers from both Rome and Greece back in the days of Socrates. I had been looking for a reason to pick up the stories of the Metamorphosis, Odyssey, and Oedipus Rex (because my laziness hindered me from doing it on my own). Not only did I have, if I may say so, a scrumptiously delicious yet knowledgeable teacher (Is your last name greek?? you teach Italian? so what are YOU doing after class *drool*) His lesson plans included some of the must reads of classic literature. In no particular order are the stories I favored: Aeneid, Inferno, Oedipus Rex, Songs of Roland, beautiful poetry of Sappho from the island of (I kid you not) Lesbos, and Narcissus and Echo. We read many other stories; some I could hardly put down and others I could hardly read because of how boring they were. However, one story in particular that I had already grown to know was that of Narcissus and Echo. Growing up I had heard about the tale of a extraordinary beautiful man who saw himself in a pond on day and died after falling in love with and staring at his reflection shown in the water. What I did not know was that Narcissus was terribly mean and self centered and his agony in watching something he could never have, himself. He did not fall in love with himself on a whim, of course the Gods had something to do with it after another lad, upset over the nonexistent affection he craved from Narcissus, prayed to them about it. And the poor dear Echo, the chatterbox who lost her ability to carry on a regular conversation; forced to only repeat the ends of sentences back to those who spoke to her first. She withered away into nothingness, only sound over her love-loss of Narcissus. The whole story is made up of those who have no ability to control what will happen to them. Its quite beautiful.

Classic Narcissus and Echo

   In the end, I took away from the story something I really should not have. NARCISSUS WAS AN OBSESSIVE SELF-ACTUALIZED BEING!!! WWWAAAHHH!!!!??? Yes! I said it! Narcissus (though a bit obsessive with it) was able to not only find himself, but also LOVE himself! Now I know he ends up dead in the end, but really take some time to think about this. If we as a person loved ourselves a little more, not only would be available to love another with ease, but we would know ourselves and could better ourselves and self-actualize. I read this story and was envious of his ability to love one's self before all others!(kind of sick) Now this is not a usual thing to take away from a story like this. I think the moral may have been, besides the underlining moral throughout the entire book of stories that you have no control over a thing, to not be a jerk even if you are beautiful (maybe not to talk to much either less you lose your ability to...). The really cool side moral is to love yourself. Maybe its not really a moral, but it surely can't hurt you in the long run. Loving others and doing for others and caring about others is not a bad thing,but taking some time out to love yourself first can't hurt either. Unless, your Narcissus....which in that case is gonna end pretty badly (but that's not your name so you should be fiiiiinnnneee!!) Love yourself first, and the rest will follow with much ease.

 Ciao baby.

Modern renditions

Bree Eats: A Side Project.

I love food. I love to eat food. Food is quite delicious. And usually bountiful for me. One of the most tastiest most filling foods is meat. I love eating meat. Meat can be juicy, it can be tangy, it can be oh so many things! Meat is just amazing. I also find it amazing that I usually only eat it 3 times a week.

O_O....I want to go to there...

 But why Brianne? WHYYYYYYYY!!!! How can you have such a love affair with meat and only eat it sometimes? The truth is as much as I love eating it, I know its not something I need all the time. Perhaps if I still lived in the bush and had to catch my dinner every night I could understand. Mostly living off of vegetation and having to expend large amounts of energy in order to catch my food sounds like something I am far removed from. Since I rarely have to chase my food down (wait ice cream man! I want a fudge-sicle!!), eating large quantities are no longer necessary. I just don't eat it as much as I used to.
  I've made significant changes to my diet 5 years ago. I cut out sugary drinks and began a journey to drink water often. The first year was the hardest. I couldn't stand the flavor of water. It wasn't sweet and full of calories. But I persevered uing the method of gradualism. Back then I was in to my second year of college and still had a meal plan. All I could eat twice a day. So come lunch and dinner time I would grab my meal along with two cups. I would fill the first with the drink I wanted; the second, with water. The first couple of weeks were torture for me. I had to discipline myself. Yes I can have seconds on soda, but first I would have to drink half of my water glass. My taste buds had definitely lost its natural thirst for mother natures ultimate quencher. Next I ended my seconds on soda. I only had a glass of both. so If I was thirsty, I had a glass of water sitting on my tray just waiting to be taken in. The beginning was very rough. However, my willpower (for once in my life) was beyond steel. I rarely went back for soda seconds, and every week tried to finish my cup of water. After a semester of this, it was time to change gears, time to reverse the damage completely. Instead of a glass of soda I had half a glass. I drank 2 glasses of water to compensate. After a while I only drank juice, half a glass, along side my two glasses of water (if i were that thirsty). And by the end of that year, I had successfully stopped drinking sugar drinks. I was only drinking water with the occasional glass of juice (however, this does not include...my alcohol intake LOL). I was able to ween myself from drinks in a year.
   I wrote all of this to voice that 'it', whatever it may be, can be done. And so, I am slowly doing the same thing with meat. There are plenty of things outside of my diet that I love to eat. Potato chips are one of them. God, I haven't had a bag of lays in a little over 4 months. As much as I like eating them I just don't. Even when I am starving and passing a vendor. I look at it and look over it. I look for pretzels instead. I have trained myself to not grab the first fatty yet delicious thing I see and it has done wonders for me. But meat and I have a different type of affection towards each other. Only second to sweets, meat makes me feel better when eating it. I believe as a group of people, Americans eat meat out of comfort and convenience. Too often I've been in a hurry and stopped at the Wendy's drive thru (back when I was living in Georgia and had a car) and looked the menu over trying to find  a healthy meal before work. Nothing. The fruit was not worth the money and the salads were lack luster. I would always settle on a junior bacon cheeseburger, value fries (smaller than a small some how) and ask for a cup of water (Remember, I weened off sodas). Meat is just so available now. And making a meal minus the meat for some reason seems to take longer (not always but in the minds of a meat eater yes). Meat gives me such a heavy feeling. nothing like a rare steak and potatoes to put me to sleep for an hour or two. I'm not sure that is really a good thing.
   This past year I was introduced to a family that ate very different from how I ate. First off my employer, the poor dear, is unable to eat meat because of her inability to digest the protein. Secondly, They just eat relatively healthier. Most of the meals are eaten at home with the occasional (and I do mean occasional) sit down restaurant. Chipotle and subways are the only two technical fast food places eaten at. What I have learned over the past 5 years, and really mostly this year, has really changed my outlook on eating. My employer's son and I eat a 1lb of beef some nights for dinner. That's half a lb of cow flesh. Stepping back and looking at that I go wow...no need to ask where's the beef, that's a lot of meat in one sitting. Thank goodness I usually prepare myself for that by not eating any meat the entire day.  As much as I love to eat, I realized sometimes I overeat. If I enjoy the taste of what I'm eating, regardless of whether or not I am hungry, I want more of it. Because I am a women, once a month I crave food and no, it ain't sticks of celery. I crave chocolate, and cakes and cheese, and anything else I probably should not eat regularly. I can not change my 'monthly binge' but the rest of the year I can definitely watch what I eat. It takes some getting used to, as anything does, but once you've significantly cut down your meat intake you feel a lot better. And you appreciate other flavors besides animal. My favorite quick and simple 'fatty snack' is raw green beans and blue cheese. The flavors go SO well together. I just grab it. toss it together and eat it. I also have fallen in love with the salad. I noticed the best salads are made at home. Rarely do you find all of the delicious flavors of a home salad at a restaurant let alone a fast food chain (those salad choices are just HIDEOUS!). The flavors of dried fruits and nuts and cheese and peppers and spices and olive oil and vinegar and and and oooooooooohhhh honey and tomatoes and olives and mushrooms and and and...the list just goes on! Salads are far from boring if you do it right. I really did think at one point that a salad consisted of  iceburg lettuce(the most nutritiously-void leaf to eat), tomatoes, cucumbers, and Italian dressing. When I went to restaurants that usually added an onion and a pound of chedder cheese I thought "ooh, they're gettin' fancy"! Man was I wrong about the beauty behind the salad.

Oooh, yummers, thats looks great too!

  I haven't had meat in a little over 2 days. And I am full and satisfied. I have had meat protein (in the form of eggs, cheese, and milk). If you could take anything away from what I am writing right now, I would like you to take away being healthy and happy without starving yourself! It can be done. I follow a raw foodie's blog and I sit there and read her tale and say to myself  "this chick is crazy." because I love meat. I am more than sure I can not live without the flavor of it as of right now. However, I applaud her for breaking such a hard to break habit. I will enjoy my hamburgers and chicken. Just not everyday if I can manage. Try it sometime. No it doesn't have to be everyday, But go meatless. Make pasta with mixed vegetables or a huge salad. have a bean burrito stuffed with tomatoes and brown rice. Have a huge bowl of lentil soup with potatoes and carrots. EAT INDIAN FOOD!!! (they seem to have perfected the meal that mimics meat in fullness and flavor minus the meat!!) No excuses either! I don't want to here them (I've used most of them on myself so I know the game). A little effort goes a long way.

 Well, all this talk about meat has made me hungry! I would kill for a big fat marbled steak right about now. mmmmmm steaaaaaaaakkkkk!


Ciao baby.

Look at Me, I Draw So Good! and Other Phrases You Shouldn't Yell Out During Sex.

Yes sir...you do draw so good

But that has nothing to do with what I will be writing about. The beauty behind me being random is that you should be expecting the unexpected by now (at least those you who know me), but you have yet to figure it all out. That ideology is much like life. You may not have figured it all out, but by now you should have some sort of idea about what's going to happen next. Earlier this week, while staring out onto the ocean of a sunless morning, I realized my happiness is really all up to me. I can't depend on anyone else for it. It is my own doing. It often involves my ability to self actualize and revel in contentment. Mostly, contentment with myself. Ah contentment! (that word is so catchy!) It could be easily said that I am rambling. Or am I (mystery)? Maybe what makes me content is being random, rambling, or bringing a small shake of the head or a smile to my readers faces. I can't figure which it is yet. My derailment from the topic at hand some how can bring us back to my point. That point being that I can only imagine the amount of people who may be struggling to find their own versions of contentment. I am far from happy with my life choices. I am probably the farthest away from being happy with my current situations and dealings. But I realize all in all, I am truly blessed. Once you realized this you can begin to appreciate your life a little more. I am relatively healthy, I have a job and a place to stay. I will be graduating soon with an Undergrad degree in Communications. I can think, I can laugh, I can run and jump. And there is more: my mother and father have been happily married over 26 years. My brothers and sister are growing and doing well. My friends are graduating and becoming working adults. Once you really sit down and take a long look at the list of things going right in your life, you may find that the things going wrong are only small set backs in comparison to what your future will hold.
   As human beings we have a tendency to believe that we are going to wake up every morning, that we will walk out the door and later, walk back in unscathed. We often believe we are going to live long and healthy lives. That is just not always so. Each day presents itself as token of your survival. We should all take a step back and revel in our blessing of life. When you think in those terms, your outlook will definitely change. I promise you. And maybe you won't complain about all the little things as often as I do.

Ciao baby.

(have to give proper rights to the picture...I am unsure who drew it but I saw it on one of my friends fb page. I just really love it so much and wanted to share it. hopefully its silliness will be a welcomed addition to all the good things happening in your life) Ciao

Brave New World

Women and Men have problems conversing.I think this revelation came about because of tonight’s conversation with my deary. I kept trying to pull a conversation out of him, but to no avail. After all my hard work the conversation ended with me feeling an overpowering sense of unfulfillment and resentment. Why is that? I believe it is the power of the conversation we have with those of our own gender. Not always, but sometimes it is just easier for me to talk to a woman about the little things in life than it is to talk to a man. This is fine and dandy until you find that special someone you hold dear. When that happens, I like sharing more of myself with them; this of course includes my irritations. However, I have found men and women who feel deeply about each other rarely converse deeply WITH each other i.e. she talks and talks and talks, and he sits quietly afraid of saying anything that may set her off (which believe me is the lesser of the two evils). I don’t know about other women my age, but when I talk to someone about the world or politics that is a totally different way of conversing then when I am speaking on my issues and irritations. I have found that men think you are complaining (which in a sense you are) and need your ‘problem’ to be fixed. It can not be helped really, men have a natural tendency to want to fix things. Unfortunately, giving me ways to ‘fix’ my problem is not what I am looking for when I talk to you! What I am looking for is understanding. Understand that I am irritated. Understand that I am venting (not asking for your remedies). Understand that I have hormonal imbalances that cause me to think irrationally about many, many things very often. Here is a good example. Let’s say a good friend of mine is getting on my last nerve. I call my sweety and throw everything I got on him about the situation. First realize, that it is quite an honor to be considered worthy enough to receive this unwanted, purposeless, and most likely boring conversation. Second, try your hardest to listen to me. I know it is boring but, baby, I need to talk about this so I can feel better (and remember when I was listening to you talk about that gross subject for hours on end the other day?). And finally and MOST importantly is the feedback. Too often men believe listening is the key to the problem when it is only the key ring. The feedback is almost, almost more important than listening itself! Seriously, if you want to make a woman happy when she is venting listen to her. Then say something backing her up. You have no Idea how securing that feels to know the one you may love most has your back. Going back to the example, the best thing a man can say is “What is Kesha thinking?” honestly that pushes the conversation and gives the woman reassurance that you are on her side (wait when did you chose sides???). A favorite of mine is “I’m sorry ______” it could be “I’m sorry to hear you are having such a rough time” or “I’m sorry, that must be really annoying”(wait why is he apologizing??) It just seems more emotional. Now emotional does not equal caring by no means, but it really makes a woman feel like you are truly involved and on her side in her petty little squabble. After that she might just leave you alone! Or you know, give you some “thank you for listening baby” loving. Just saying.

Ciao baby

This Is Your Captain Speaking

Yes it is I, your captain speaking. Well actually not really, because we are all captains of our own ships and we all named our ships destiny. In this sea we call life, it is important to understand that as captains it is up to us to….uh…steer…things. Any who, I come to you with writings from a deeply disturbed, yet lethargic slacker of a woman. I am old enough to "wipe my own ass" as the epic Big Daddy put it, but still young enough to get away with the "but I didn't know" excuse. Well, barely. Do understand, most of the time I do know. Do also understand that I am utterly stuck in my warped way of thinking. My bubbly persona does not match up with my cynical outlook on life and my jaded ideology. If I had it my way I would smoke 4 packs a day and drink “mamma’s special medicine” as a means to get by. But because it is so easy to function that way, I choose to challenge myself and try and be adult-like if there is even such a pairing of the words. I often ramble too. I am telling you all of this because I want you to know where I'm coming from so you can explain to me where I’m coming from, because I’m quite confused at times. Some cool things to know about me:


1. I like to write but am lazy with it. Actually I am just lazy all around. Don’t judge me.
2. I know how to use big words, but not how to spell them. Deal with it.
3. I’m just plain weird. Embrace it/ Deal with it/Don’t judge me.


I think that sums me up *laughs*. I currently reside in one of the most happening places in the world (New York baby), but am completely under-using my resources. Overall, as of right this very moment, I kind of don’t care unless it involves food. Then I care as long as it doesn’t involve having to clean up after in taking the food. Call it a fat-ass foodie connoisseur if you will. Of course, this is not an everyday thinking. This is kind of just a ‘how I’m feeling today’ type of description of my consciousness. Truth is I love to cook. I love to eat. I love to watch people cook. I love to watch people cook what I am going to eat. Etc. I should probably eat less and workout more, but I’m lazy and that’s a lot of work (and then for two days I hurt). I'm kind of like Liz Lemon from 30 rock only without the drive to work. I do yoga though. Are you getting a good idea of where I’m coming from (references back to the ' you explaining where I am coming from')? If not that’s okay; this first blog was thrown together so I could post my next blog about conversations. I just wanted to give my readers an idea of how nutty I can without effort be. Some more things to know about me

1. I like cheese…
2. I have a dog that also likes cheese
3. Do not let dogs eat cheese…bad things will happen


I bet I just helped someone out with his or her dog versus cheese dilemma. Bree 1: The Universe 9.2 trillion. Progress.


***Okay, so I'm being really silly, lets get serious read my next blog entry that I will be posting right after this one. Ciao baby!