My evil twin strikes again!

Never wrote about this before...but today I have to!! For years I've been told I have a doppelganger. There have been countless girls who look like me, and I mean afro and everything. But today I found out I have an evil twin...who followed me to New York! While sitting at home I get a text message along the lings of, "Dang I didn't know it was like that...couldn't give a brother a conversation." I wrote back what did I do now? and my friend asked where I was. I said home. He then called me and explained are you screwing around with me? because If not I just saw your exact double in the school library. WAAAHHHH!!??? You're kidding right? Nope, he was serious. The girl walked over to him, tapped the table he was sitting at and sat down in a cubicle. Then some time later she got up and left out the library without saying word. I asked how did her hair look and he told me exactly like mine. "Yo B, she had an afro and everything, I could have sworn it was you, there was no doubt in my mind. I don't know if some one slipped my something, but that just freaked me out." Indeed.

Is it possible hes lying LOL. Maybe, because I didn't contact him this weekend and we were suppose to go out for drinks...maybe...but who knows. either way. I've met guys who would concocted just as crazy stories in order to talk to me lol.... But I've also seen some of my twins. I always go she doesn't look like me at all!!! Just cause shes round and has glasses!! But who knows...maybe my parents have a secret. Sounds like the beginning to my next screenplay.

Peanut butter Time recap

Okay. Well, I let it sit in my hair for an hour and rinsed it out. What I found was that the peanut butter really REALLY conditioned my face. I rubbed some on that too lol....I have eczema and I see no peeling or scalyness. My hair however is....wonky. The pros, I think it would make a good conditioner...if I had not colored it. My curls were defined and I could manage them, but my hair still feels brittle. Thats what I get for giving into the evils of chemicals! My hair feels like straw that's been conditioned. Cons, well...you guessed it YOU SMELL LIKE PEANUT BUTTER!! Hot peanut butter in the shower. If you don't like the smell or, even worse, are allergic to PEANUTS I don't advise doing this. I rinsed it out  very thoroughly, but I fear ants eating my head tonight. I use honey all the time, So it's not the sugar I'm afraid of...Its that strong peanut butter smell lol....Whenever I touch my hair I smell peanuts on my fingers. I've felt softer locs before using just honey, oil, and mayo. So now to figure what to do next. I have soft hair naturally, if its not soft after a deep conditioning with peanut butter, my choices are kind of down to cutting it all off. Starting all over again. Using Henna like I was originally suppose to do instead of being tempted by the low low prices of chemicals LOL. What was funny was while sitting in my peanut hair mask, I ate a peanut butter sandwich. I'm kind of all peanut buttered out...I'm going to splurge and go to the Dominicans and have them deep condition and blow dry my hair. Though I should probably wait and give my hair a rest. I combed it out and twisted it. My hair became really tangled and matty after I colored it. blah...back to the drawing board.

Fucking Snowing/Peanutbutter time

It's fucking snowing today man. IT'S FUCKING SNOWING! 2 days ago it was 70 degrees outside. Today, it's fucking snowing. It was raining at first. I thought it was too warm to stick so I wasn't worried. But then I notice a white layer on the tops of all the roofs. WHY THE FUCK IS IT SNOWING!! I hope it warms up today and melts the snow. It's not even an inch but I'm tired of snow. It's suppose to snow Wednesday too. WHY IS IT SNOWING!!! Fucking global warming man...

To sound less Californian, Let me say that I am so tired of the cold. my hair is thirsty, my eczema is acting up, I swear the old is stuck in my bones! I am so not a cold bodied person. I am definitely into heat. I mean warmth. I don't want to walk out the door and instantly sweat, but I do like laying in the sun when it shines into my bedroom. Like my boss' cat. he follows the sun around the room. I like taking naps in the sun. No sun to day though. Just freakin' snow... ugh...I want soup.

Oh by the way...I'm sitting with peanut butter in my hair :-/ long story short, cocaine's a hell of a drug. Just kidding...My hair is destroyed. I tried to die it. I haven't put a chemical in my hair for almost 3 years. I'm frugal...they were having a sale on dark and lovely....It fried my hair. It is SO dry I think I can start a forest fire with it. My hair was so soft before. Now its sand paper. I decided to moisturize; deep condition. I've used mayo but we are out. yogurt too. I looked into bananas. Avacados supposedly do well, but last time i made it I had little brown strings in my hair for days. I looked up the banana conditioner and read too often that little white particles were in her hair for the rest of the day. I had a flash back to the avacado. I decided to hold off on the banana until I had more time. I took my organic honey, my virgin coconut oil, and some skippy. Next time I will go to whole foods and find some organic peanut butter. This was random. I only found a few reviews of the peanut butter conditioner. My locs are thirsty, If I don't do something I think they are going to shrivel up and fall off. I've almost had it for an hour in my head now. I'm worried about the ants LOL. There are ants in our bathroom. when I was putting it in my hair I saw one on the ceiling above my head. I thought he was going to drop into my hair like some sort of mission impossible ant. I wonder if I should leave it in for another hour... well...back to homework. I'll let you know how it goes :-/

Purgatory

For some reason I need to describe it, this Art form he has...He places his large hands on my waist while I'm peeling the potatoes for dinner. He kisses my neck after saying, "thank you." to me for making us dinner...I spend most of my time at work or in school, but when I get free time...I spend it with him. Watching movies or having dinner. I sip my glass of wine and he downs his beers. We're into different things, but are both majoring in communications. He raps interestingly enough. I don't mind when he says, "Nigga" around me 'cause I know he's gangsta enough to get away with it. His hair always smells fucking amazing. When I sit in his lap, he wraps himself around me and lets me play with it. His hair is jet black and almost wraps itself around my fingers when I touch it. We both know we are playing a game. Coping with the bullshit, and using our company to pass the time..though mine seems more recent then his...He bought me ice cream I never got a chance to eat. I'm sure it's sitting next to the other flavor he bought for himself that I devoured. I like that he's taller than me, its not often I attract a man my age with height. He smokes too much. This boggles my mind because his hair always smells so good. I told him he must do that on purpose, because he knows how bad smoke smells. He's addicted to shoes and good music. He has the best taste in RnB and Hiphop; it makes me wanna make him an apple pie. His bed is warm and big, just like himself, and when I lay in it I fall asleep with no problems. I've never been able to fall asleep so quickly in a bed that is not my own, but for some reason his bed equals instant sleepiness. When he's not calling me 'Mami', "baby", or some other nickname that isn't my real name, he's calling me crazy. "Damn baby, you're crazy." He's said more than once. I kind of am. He teaches me how to say things in Spanish. I have a lazy tongue, I can't roll my R's. I do things purposely to make him laugh. He says I'm adorable and  thinks I have a nice ass. That makes me laugh. He said, "no really, its great." He wears a gold chain that belonged to his father. Its a cross with a little gold Jesus being crucified. I like to play with the cross, twirling it between my fingers. His father passed away and that was the one thing he got to keep. I've learned a lot about him. I've met his mother. She is a loving Latina who lights candles and babies her son to death. What mamma says goes. Its cute to see them interacting. Today I told him I think I like him. I told him that was a huge problem. I didn't want to like anyone. He said I shouldn't like him, he's a jerk. I believe him. We sipped coffee with the ice cream he bought in it. He made mine too sweet, because I'm a girl, so I asked to switch with him. He gave me his. He always let's me buy something else or switch with him when I don't like what I'm eating or drinking. I bet one day he's gonna snap and say, "NO! stop ordering stuff you're not sure you'll like. I spend a lot of money on you and we're not even dating!!" We drank the coffee while listening to his mixtape. We got hungry and found a sushi place near us that delivered. He ordered octopus, I ordered eel. I thought it was cool that our sushi choices were so unorthodox. We sat and watched movies all day. We watched a low budget film that was awesome. We watched Neil Patrick Harris in a short film that was also awesome. We watched an animated batman movie that kicked ass because Robin went nuts and was actually killing people. I pointed out one of the characters reminded me of Deadpool. He said I was so cool. We often walk around like a couple in lovey dovey. He pulls out my chair and opens doors. It's funny because there's nothing there. There is this weird void we both have. I don't believe half of what he says; he's a firm believer his last girl ruined him for life. He told me some wild story that I though was a lie. He lost his phone yet could call me. I called bullshit. Right before taking me home, he pulled out his wallet and flipped it open to the piece of paper I gave him with my number on it. I was mad..I wanted to believe he was bullshiting me. He buys me little sweet things and I smile at him. He likes my afro and wants me to pick it out. I told him that breaks off a lot of hair. I told him I wanted to flat iron it and he got excited. "ooo, I want to see that Mami." In the end, I think we are both very broken people...I wonder when it's going to fall apart....

Paint It Black...It's Sliming

...no colors anymore, I want them to turn black...

I just like this Rolling Stone song. I heard so many covers of it, even in French. It definitely expresses how I feel from time to time. Whenever things get heavy I feel like a big ole depressed panda. I don't see color only black.  Right now, I'm not sure how I feel. I'm having some issues when it comes to my emotional state. I would like to blame the elimination of sweets; which I use in order to cope. I've only been off of sweets for one day and I'm having the itch. I do realized I've been using chocolate squares, cheese danishes, ice cream, and cookies as a coping mechanism. Which is doing the opposite of what I wanted to do for spring. I had a dream last night that I was in a bikini on the beach with my family. It reminded me that this summer my goal is to wear a bikini :-/ which is kind of a scary thought...But I've been told countless times I should have already been wearing one (yea the fuck right). I've gained some weight recently. No more than 5lbs and that's when I'm completely full. No big deal really but I'd rather not regress. It's because of the sweets, sure, but its also because I've been hungry and have just been eating more. Not only that, I've been eating fried snacks, something I stopped doing years ago. I'm picking up bad habits again. Some of the people I hang out with eat all types of things I shouldn't eat regularly. To combat that, I decided to really cut down on the empanadas... which are so yummy. Also, I'm not buying anymore ice cream or cookies. Well...anything sweet really. I think that before when I would eat sweets it was once in a while and usually some low sugar ice pop already at the house, or a scoop of ice cream, again, already at the house. Too often do I use food as rewards, security blankets, and comfort. But its one of those 'choose your own poison' situations. I mean I could be heavy in drugs or something like that. I mean...cocaine is a hell of a drug right? Well I don't want to find out. I'll stick to cheesecake and brownies....which means I need to work out...something I hate doing. I run like Babe Ruth...on a bad day. Lost all that weight and still huffing and puffing. Well, not always, but If I have to run two blocks to catch a bus, I feel it. In my dream i had a very slender waist. When I say slender, I mean in proportion to my boobs lol... Not tiny, but flatter in the front than it is now. I kinda got this bump that I know I will have forever. That's just the way I'm built really. I don't want to be Kate Moss...but I would like to buy cute clothes and feel comfortable. Something I hardly felt as a teenager. But that was mostly hormonal. I accept a lot of stuff about my body now than I ever did then. But only by so much. It's kind of weird being the 'small friend.' It was a girl, a guy, and me. We were sitting in a room talking and they said if we were all to get on the queen sized bed we wouldn't all fit. I was like really? They said yea because two of us are pretty big. your the tiny. I was taken aback by this. Me? Tiny. They said yea, i mean your the smallest one out of us....After looking around and looking down at myself. I was. Mind you my two friends are both taller than me, but never before in my life was i considered the smallest in a group of people. I was definitely always the fattest in my group. Yeah....having a poor body image for so long really does affect the way you do everything from there on out. But I feel prettier now. Sad but true, I do. I would say it's all in my head, but the guys at school and in transit think so too. I get hit on a lot already, I think mostly because I look young and naive. But now its doubled. Not really excited to tell the truth. I'd rather stay invisible, I need some alone time...

Brianne the Conqueror

It's just been one of those days. I was literally about to break down into tears earlier, but when I think about my future I can't help but get excited. I'm trying my damnedest to be something, to do something; to have a piece of the dream. I know for a fact I am talented. I've worked too hard to let these things get me down....but I'm human just like everyone else. My mind as of late is weak. I've spent all of my creativity on filming and writing. I read when I'm on the train and write papers on the day that they are due. I've only had positive feedback. Yet I still have time to lose sleep over the stress of all the what-ifs of the world. I am terribly stressed about graduating. It sounds like a huge contradiction I know. All I talk about is how happy I am to be finally done with school. However, change is a very scary thing. How should I begin my story...

It all revolves around change. I remember standing in the lunchroom of Stone Mountain High back in 2004. I was trying not to procrastinate as I often did. I knew for a fact I had to go to college....the entire school administration drilled that into my head. But I was lethargic to say the least. I looked into two schools on my own using the collegeboard: Georgia State and LaGrange. I also picked a two-year school just in case. All I knew was I wanted to help people. I felt a sense of accomplishment when I did. My grades were not amazing. And I had trouble paying attention in class. But that day in the lunchroom changed everything. A college fair. tables were lined up across the back wall during my lunch period. I walked over to a few tables and browsed not really interested. Suddenly, a name caught my eye. I stood in front of a table with a plain white banner in front of it: The University of West Georgia. Never heard of it. The recruiters talked to me about this and that. They had a Nursing program. I went home did a little research, I mean REAL little, and decided to add it to the list. Georgia State was where I wanted to be. The other schools were just in cases.

And wouldn't you know it I didn't get in. In fact, I got into all of my second choices. It was pretty disheartening. I was really wanted Georgia State. So it came down to West Georgia for nursing, or LaGrange for environmental science. My mother said I would always be able to find a job in nursing. So I picked West Georgia. Ended up being the best two years of my life, if you over look any immaturity on my part. It was also a party school. Everyone said I had to have known, but the truth is I didn't start learning about its reputation or how many people, including my principal, graduated from it until i got accepted. The plan was to transfer to Georgia State and finish there. I transferred... I started doing poorly. It seemed Georgia State wasn't what I thought it would be.I did pretty terrible. It was too hustle and bustle for me. So I took some time off to collect myself. Knowing that West Georgia had changed since I was away, going back meant disappointment. I decided to go to another small school. Kennesaw State. A semester into it I was offered a Job in New York City.

If you need help counting the years, it's five. I spent five years chasing dreams. Things didn't pan out the way I thought they would. I struggled, I changed my mind, I lost myself. I'm not a fan of change, but I do understand its importance. So I moved far away from my family and friends to show myself and the world that I was more than average, I was intelligent, if not a bit random; I was determined. I was alone in New York City. I struggled with loneliness. I didn't meet anyone until a year later. I missed meals only my parents could make. I missed dinner dates with friends, and late night movies with my boyfriend. I was a mess. But I decided to stay another year. After running around Lehman College trying to figure out what degree I could take on without having to apply to a program, I found that communications fit the bill. I wanted to do journalism in Georgia but got all types of negative responses. This way, I could learn about journalism AND television AND film AND creative writing. It was perfect. And If I acted quickly I could major in a program that wouldn't be offered the following semester, which meant I could ride the last wave out. If I worked hard, and luck was on my side with the classes offered, I could graduate in 3 semesters.

Here I am. 3 semesters later. I am about to graduate. It took me almost 7 years in my head, though I took 2 years off. That's still too long...but I'm often hard on myself. So much struggle for a piece of paper only to become riddled with anxiety at the thought of leaving school behind. Maybe it is more than that. Maybe its responsibility. College is the last free frontier. Once you become an adult, its pretty depressing. All we do is work and get cancer in this country...But when you're a student, you can party and just be. Sure your poor, but you have your freedom. I can't see myself as a slave to the system. I'm too day-dreamy; too free spirited.

Of course I am also suffering from heartachious...aka, love pains. Its pretty pathetic in my head. How can someone so insignificant to the world hold so much power over my heart? Well he wasn't insignificant to me. I've ranted and raved, and thrown tantrums. But the truth is I was stupid in love. Head over heels, rosed-colored, cloud nine, Mr. Right, He's the one in love....its embarrassing to say the least. truth is I hate using the L word. So if I say it, I mean it. And I meant it. What really sucks is I think I'm still in love, so it hurts even more. I really don't want the feeling... Its like a deep cut with sand, salt and dirt in it...its healing over all the debris, but underneath the scab, its still a huge ass mess. It won't heal properly unless I take proper care... I will let you in on a secret...I was a bit depressed before the break-up. Not about him really. I was stressed because they were not offering the classes I needed and sometimes I just fall into a low state. Also, he became increasingly 'busy' and when asked about it he told me it was work and that he missed me a lot...which made me feel guilty for leaving. I was extremely depressed during the break-up. I thought I was dying. No closure, just waves of confusion and pain. Now, I think I am just hurt from the break-up. I don't think I'm depressed anymore. I believe this because I'm sleeping at night, I'm not dreaming about him as much, I'm eating, and I'm smiling for real. Its a different type of feeling, feeling depressed and feeling sad. I don't know how to explain it really...one is feeling down; you sigh and you go back to work. The other is feeling like a void, absolutely nothing. Like everything is falling through you but not. You're lost and empty, and I can only explain it as your soul hurts. Its an emotional, not physical, pain I will never be able to describe. You feel like you're dying... Now I just feel hurt...I don't want to dwell on it, but  no one will ever know the words that were said to me right before it all fell apart...They contradict so much with his actions that it's mind boggling.

Lets move on....Now it turns into a soap opera. I'm going to move in with my long time male friend. We have the most amazing opposite sex friendship in the world. No one can replace him and vice versa.. Did I mention he's a past lovely? We do so well as friends. I'm worried we might start ya know...liking each other again lol.... I used to want that to happen, but time passed. All that 'I like you' tension kind of passed too. Not to mention I'm a bit crazed at the moment. Oh, and obviously not ready for any type of relationship. Bad timing as usual.... But I need a friend more than ever right now. Someone I know well to be in my corner and next to me. He's excited. He wants to write things together. That makes me smile. We love to write. We have such crazy humor and we make up for each other's short-comings. It will be great to produce something with him.... I mean on paper...

I think this is the longest blog entry in the history of man. I guess I had a lot on my mind. I've been really busy... I work as a nanny. That means working around the clock. I am also in school full-time. Did I forget to mention I'm taking 21 hours...I had to get permission to do so; and my internship is every Thursday. I work from 9 to 5 like a good adult. I'm actually being productive. I think because these classes are less testing and more creating and writing. I'm doing so well. Maybe I find so much interest in it all (except journalism. I'm so glad I did not take it in Georgia...I'm not a fan at all. but I'm an okay journalist it seems). I need to stop typing. I'm sure my readers are asleep by now.

Thanks for listening.