Sleeping with a bottle of...

pills.

In this heavily over medicated world we live in, I can honestly say that I am one of the many whom rely on meds to keep my mood stable.  I take prozac for my chronic depression (thought I'm told by a few people that that is not a real disease). For months now things have been pretty okay...that is until I switched doctors and forgot to get a refill...now I have to wait a month and I'm trying to stretch out the last week and a half by slowly self lowering the dose. I'd rather just get a prescription, but doing so is almost impossible which makes little sense...isn't half of the country taking a life long medication? 

I bring all that up to say, I'm starting to get a few of those residual feelings that I've stashed away deep down in that tiny little box we all have. Oh who am I kidding...for me, It's definitely still baggage. I wish I could leave it on the curb Wednesday and Friday with the rest of the trash, but I think these attachments to the past go much deeper than just being able to leave it somewhere. 

First off, I'm a little hurt that Mr.X didn't move to New York. I didn't ask him to. He asked me...and I thought about it and decided to assist him. Now it is almost like we never had that conversation; like the thought never existed. I want to blame some unconscious fear of his, but it could be anything really. I recently started dreaming of the west coast and I feel I need to sit down in person and tell him how I feel about his abandonment of that dream; essentially of me. Obvious there are a lot more issues surrounding us, but I came to the realization that as much as I love him in my life, eventually we will have to go down separate paths and it makes me sad..

Then there is the 'literal' dreams I keep having. Maybe I really do need that prescription to keep sane, because too often I dream of my ex. It doesn't help that whenever I think I'm fine with the break up, that someone either calls, texts, or says out loud, "SO ARE YOU OVER BLAAAANNNKKK!??" or recently and even worse, "Hey, didn't you used to date a tattoo artist? Was his name Blank? Not to cause any trouble,but...he's now dating my friend." I'm sure you don't mean to cause any trouble...but I also know the last thing I want/need to know is how my ex continues to find these relationships that are one degree away from me. I mean, for crying out loud a few of the girls he cheated on me with I went to high school with...In the end, I'm still in love...and it hurts to know that. It sucks too, because I'm still carrying that huge bag around with me...even though I have...

A new boyfriend. A very sweet, sometimes weird, but always thoughtful MAN who can play the saxophone, write plays, and sing Boyz II Men perfectly when we do Karaoke. *sigh* He's pretty wonderful. But the truth is, I know I can't manage a brand spanking new Marc Jacob  bag  (well...more like Fossil lol) and a duffle bag, AND a freakin' garbage dumpster all at once. Something has got to give...and because my feelings have grown exponentially for this guy...I realize...I am scared shitless of the aspect of trusting him to do anything. But I feel like this guy might be different... I mean, I told him for the next month I couldn't have sweets and when I saw him, he brought me apples, "in case of cravings." I couldn't ask for more of a nice guy.... sigh...why the heck am I worried about this...damn you prozac....