Broken Dreams Club

"I... Just want to get high...But everyone keeps bringing me down."

It's just easier to blame everyone else. It's really just me, bringing myself down. I still can't wrap my head around my own ability, beauty, and strength. I think the most important years for self love are when you are a teen. So much of what everyone says **effects you for life. But I'm looking at myself now, as an adult, and I see I am hanging on to things I should have been let go. I also am using having a full time job as a crutch. That way I don't have to do what I'd like to do, or am ordained to do well. Yes I just used the word ordained. I think I have a knack for writing. Sure I could use a bit more attention to my grammar, but I think that for someone who lives in the age of computers I'm doing pretty well; I mean my screen saver is the dictionary. I also try my best to look at the way I spell things and the way the auto-correct spells it. That way I am less likely to misspell the word in the future.

I've been told countless times I have a beautiful smile. Without being lude, for the most part I've been told I have a nice body. I've also been told I am smart, which is news to me. For whatever reason, I am spending all my time trying to find myself instead of just be myself. I read somewhere-- oh who knows where, New York Times maybe?-- that my generation is the generation of "finding itself." This means my generation of youth is more interested in figuring out the meaning of life, of there life, then moving up the corporate later. I can attest to the truth behind that.

My father worked very hard for a very long time so I could be myself. I think I owe it to him to take what I was given and spend my early years ( gawd half of me can't even say that with a straight face) and make something out of it. I'm turing 27 in July and I don't necessarily feel accomplished, but I do feel like I am headed in some sort of direction... maybe. I don't know. I think I've spent so many years feeling like I had to be headed in some direction. Even If I live to be 80, I will feel like I spent a quarter of my life confused and dazed. Even if I'm suppose to only bring a momentary amount of joy to the lives of a few people around me, I (already) feel like it was a menial existence. Mostly because I don't know how to enjoy the now. I am ALWAYS thinking of the future. Fret over the past, scrutinize the future, overlook the present. I honestly don't want to live that way. I want to better accept myself and that which is around me. I wanna be happy and take one day at a time. For what ever reason I am not built for that. I read countless time that once you leave your 20's, you start to "get it." As I approach 27 I'm feeling less and less confident that I will get it. I'm forever questioning and fearing. I'm forever wondering and putting off. Oxymoron maybe, but seriously I am: Fretting worrying and yet putting things aside and saying, "I'll come back to it eventually."


That's why I really really REALLY need to start today with all that stuff I put to the side.

I need to change my life. I don't want to be that stereotypically 20 something year old of the 21st century who think they can spend all their time finding themselves. Not saying I need to shack up, get married and have babies to be an accomplished part of society, but I do think I need to start honestly looking at myself and trying to better myself; completely. This starts with loving myself completely. Something I've spent most of my life pretending I understood how to do, but rarely if ever do. Whatever. Here's hoping I get my shit together...


** Honest to God for the life of me, I can not figure out whether to use effect or affect ever in a sentence. I've read White and Strunk a million times. I've looked it up. I've read the AP style, and at least two others. I will be forever plagued with the fear that I am using the wrong word...