Paint It Black...It's Sliming

...no colors anymore, I want them to turn black...

I just like this Rolling Stone song. I heard so many covers of it, even in French. It definitely expresses how I feel from time to time. Whenever things get heavy I feel like a big ole depressed panda. I don't see color only black.  Right now, I'm not sure how I feel. I'm having some issues when it comes to my emotional state. I would like to blame the elimination of sweets; which I use in order to cope. I've only been off of sweets for one day and I'm having the itch. I do realized I've been using chocolate squares, cheese danishes, ice cream, and cookies as a coping mechanism. Which is doing the opposite of what I wanted to do for spring. I had a dream last night that I was in a bikini on the beach with my family. It reminded me that this summer my goal is to wear a bikini :-/ which is kind of a scary thought...But I've been told countless times I should have already been wearing one (yea the fuck right). I've gained some weight recently. No more than 5lbs and that's when I'm completely full. No big deal really but I'd rather not regress. It's because of the sweets, sure, but its also because I've been hungry and have just been eating more. Not only that, I've been eating fried snacks, something I stopped doing years ago. I'm picking up bad habits again. Some of the people I hang out with eat all types of things I shouldn't eat regularly. To combat that, I decided to really cut down on the empanadas... which are so yummy. Also, I'm not buying anymore ice cream or cookies. Well...anything sweet really. I think that before when I would eat sweets it was once in a while and usually some low sugar ice pop already at the house, or a scoop of ice cream, again, already at the house. Too often do I use food as rewards, security blankets, and comfort. But its one of those 'choose your own poison' situations. I mean I could be heavy in drugs or something like that. I mean...cocaine is a hell of a drug right? Well I don't want to find out. I'll stick to cheesecake and brownies....which means I need to work out...something I hate doing. I run like Babe Ruth...on a bad day. Lost all that weight and still huffing and puffing. Well, not always, but If I have to run two blocks to catch a bus, I feel it. In my dream i had a very slender waist. When I say slender, I mean in proportion to my boobs lol... Not tiny, but flatter in the front than it is now. I kinda got this bump that I know I will have forever. That's just the way I'm built really. I don't want to be Kate Moss...but I would like to buy cute clothes and feel comfortable. Something I hardly felt as a teenager. But that was mostly hormonal. I accept a lot of stuff about my body now than I ever did then. But only by so much. It's kind of weird being the 'small friend.' It was a girl, a guy, and me. We were sitting in a room talking and they said if we were all to get on the queen sized bed we wouldn't all fit. I was like really? They said yea because two of us are pretty big. your the tiny. I was taken aback by this. Me? Tiny. They said yea, i mean your the smallest one out of us....After looking around and looking down at myself. I was. Mind you my two friends are both taller than me, but never before in my life was i considered the smallest in a group of people. I was definitely always the fattest in my group. Yeah....having a poor body image for so long really does affect the way you do everything from there on out. But I feel prettier now. Sad but true, I do. I would say it's all in my head, but the guys at school and in transit think so too. I get hit on a lot already, I think mostly because I look young and naive. But now its doubled. Not really excited to tell the truth. I'd rather stay invisible, I need some alone time...