First Kiss

I was watching Mad Men on Netflix tonight. I had gotten to the episode where Betty explains to her daughter Sally that "you don't kiss boys, boys kiss you." and that the first kiss is the most amazing kiss you will ever have.

I began thinking about my first kiss, but not the very first one. That one was all wrong....I mean my recent first kiss (Betty says you have many first kisses ie with different people). My current boyfriend and I are headed towards 6 months of being in a relationship, and even though that isn't exactly the longest time frame in the world, I began reminiscing about that first kiss we shared.

When I say he was as smooth as butter...oh man. Maybe I had one too many drinks, but I stood outside with him and a group of smokers on a cold Halloween night and one by one the group dissipated until it was just me and him. I don't exactly know why I stood out there, I don't smoke and often times hate the very smell of it, but I remember watching him blow little puffs of beautiful smoke in the air dancing slowly with my breath and there was something so very sexy about it.

when it was just us two he asked me about a comment I said earlier, "I only attract short guys." He had thought I said I only 'date' short guys. "No," I answered. "I said I usually attract short men. I have no problem dating guys who are taller than me." He followed up with, "That's good to know." and stepped closer to me; and I--for almost the first time in my life-- looked up into a man's eyes while he wooed me his words and smile. It was the strangest thing. I couldn't help but smile at his response. He was flirting with me, and I found it increasingly hard not to kiss him. But I didn't. I think I bit my lip, batted my eyes, and said something cute to supersede the feeling.

He leaned forward and kissed me, In front of my job, in the dark; in the cold air of October. Nothing about the kiss was cold. I felt warm all over. It wasn't a sloppy or dirty kiss. It was light and just like out of the movies. And afterwards I looked up at him and kissed him right back.

When I think about our first kiss I smile. He is a good man and an amazing kisser. When I think back to that night so many things could have happened to change the outcome of our relationship, but they didn't.

Betty was right. there is something so amazing about that first kiss. Supposedly every other kiss that follows is only a shadow of the original you are trying to replicate. And maybe she's right (I know, the fictional television character). All I know is, I question every decision and step I make; I self sabotage, and I often doubt the validity of my relationships. I don't want to do that with him. I want to believe that all it took was that flicker of the eye caught that of another and a ball began to roll even before we realized it.

What I'm saying is, I want this to work. I want to be happy with him. And I think I can. I really don't want to doubt these type of things anymore. And I'm trying not to.