Turning of Tides...and Turds

I decided, to make it a blog entry lol.

Ever since I started working for CBS I really haven't had much time to do anything else. It's not that CBS takes up all of my time, it's literally that I now have three jobs and spend most of my time working, traveling, or hanging. That also means, I spend less time on Facebook (an added bonus). 

Ah yes, Facebook. The infinite causer of so many issues. One in particular used to make me cringe. My Ex-boyfriend enjoys liking everything I write on his sister's wall, one of those sad "hey I'm still here" attempts I've gotten so used to (I have another Ex who calls me at 3 in the morning to profess his uh, stupidity to me at least twice a year). What can I say, I sure can pick them. But for whatever reason, regardless of the space I give, I don't like anything he likes, I don't comment on anything he comments on, he still thinks it's okay to add his two cents to everything I say.

So I write all this to say...I am starting to feel...really sorry for him. I think the song that fits pretty well would be an Amy Winehouse tune, Stronger Than Me. I mean, the age difference, the distance, the whole reason we broke up...why are you still Facebook waring me? Honestly I don't know what I should do. Should I continue to comment on the thread? I don't want him to think I'm okay with chatting with him via the internet. I mean he left me for a woman he's not even with anymore... leaving her for someone else doesn't make us cool.

I know I over analyze EVERYTHING. But I just think...that leaving me alone, especially after the way he treated me, would be the manly thing to do--hell, the mature thing to do. Right?

I just shake my head. I feel like he's in a really sad position. He's done little if anything since I left Georgia. Not much has changed. I feel like I've gained so much knowledge and wealth since I moved. But what was I expecting.

I wrote all of this because, I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to be cordial, and forgiving. I'm tired of always watching my step to preserve a path only for those around me to muddle about and ruin my work. But more so, I'm tired of holding on to so much scar tissue. I have so much going for me. I have a job working for one of the networks, I have a lovely boyfriend; I live in Freaking New York City.... I've played with the idea of getting off of Facebook, nothing but a bunch of connections to either people I don't know or people I'm not really friends with, because if I was, we would talk or text. I post to let people know I am still here. To make my father laugh, to make myself laugh, to make my friends smile and repost. Not to tip toe around one of my best friend's page because I don't want to deal with her brother, my Ex.

*big shrug* but what would you do without me, and I without the outlet. Last time I went home to Georgia, I told someone so important to me, I would eventually let our friendship go, and it seems he let it go as soon as I came back North. maybe he couldn't handle it. It was my first attempt at controlling a relationship, something I often have so little control over. So, once more, I'm going to attempt to let a relationship go. I've been trying to let it go for years now. But now I realize, I've been holding on to it for the same amount of time.

I won't answer back, I'll continue to do what I've already been doing: glossing over his comments, thinking of good times, and as fucked up as it may seem, genuinely wishing him nothing but love and happiness.  Because God knows, he needs it so much more than me.

AHHH!!--- a box of crackers just fell over in my room on it's own 9_9'. mini heart attack. Guess that's my cue to stop typing and go to bed. Gotta take a long walk in the morning. 

Laters

First Kiss

I was watching Mad Men on Netflix tonight. I had gotten to the episode where Betty explains to her daughter Sally that "you don't kiss boys, boys kiss you." and that the first kiss is the most amazing kiss you will ever have.

I began thinking about my first kiss, but not the very first one. That one was all wrong....I mean my recent first kiss (Betty says you have many first kisses ie with different people). My current boyfriend and I are headed towards 6 months of being in a relationship, and even though that isn't exactly the longest time frame in the world, I began reminiscing about that first kiss we shared.

When I say he was as smooth as butter...oh man. Maybe I had one too many drinks, but I stood outside with him and a group of smokers on a cold Halloween night and one by one the group dissipated until it was just me and him. I don't exactly know why I stood out there, I don't smoke and often times hate the very smell of it, but I remember watching him blow little puffs of beautiful smoke in the air dancing slowly with my breath and there was something so very sexy about it.

when it was just us two he asked me about a comment I said earlier, "I only attract short guys." He had thought I said I only 'date' short guys. "No," I answered. "I said I usually attract short men. I have no problem dating guys who are taller than me." He followed up with, "That's good to know." and stepped closer to me; and I--for almost the first time in my life-- looked up into a man's eyes while he wooed me his words and smile. It was the strangest thing. I couldn't help but smile at his response. He was flirting with me, and I found it increasingly hard not to kiss him. But I didn't. I think I bit my lip, batted my eyes, and said something cute to supersede the feeling.

He leaned forward and kissed me, In front of my job, in the dark; in the cold air of October. Nothing about the kiss was cold. I felt warm all over. It wasn't a sloppy or dirty kiss. It was light and just like out of the movies. And afterwards I looked up at him and kissed him right back.

When I think about our first kiss I smile. He is a good man and an amazing kisser. When I think back to that night so many things could have happened to change the outcome of our relationship, but they didn't.

Betty was right. there is something so amazing about that first kiss. Supposedly every other kiss that follows is only a shadow of the original you are trying to replicate. And maybe she's right (I know, the fictional television character). All I know is, I question every decision and step I make; I self sabotage, and I often doubt the validity of my relationships. I don't want to do that with him. I want to believe that all it took was that flicker of the eye caught that of another and a ball began to roll even before we realized it.

What I'm saying is, I want this to work. I want to be happy with him. And I think I can. I really don't want to doubt these type of things anymore. And I'm trying not to.