So I'm going to use the rest of this snow day to write. I will finally write up Mel's Burger and work on some stories. send me your good vibes --_--' so I don't end up falling asleep, reading manga, or watching Avatar cartoons all day instead lol.
Ciao baby.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
The Slowing of Night
"I don't mind. its just that we're so far from each other..."
Kind of like how the sun is far from the earth...I wanted to text back. but I didn't. That text message I received has no deep meaning. It was a simple text. With no profound emotion behind it; about the distance from here to Long Island, written by a friend. But after spending a good portion of my night staring at the wall...It made me think about two things that I can't control. Time...and distance. Hell, there is so much I can't control naming them would be pointless....But Something I've always understood to be out of my control, even when I was a child, was time and distance. My father used to go away for a weekend or so once a year. Back then you could walk with your loved ones to the boarding area. Back before the fuss surrounding inadequate security. I remember staring out the window. at the big plane my father would take off in. He'd give me hugs and kisses and I'd watch him take off into the distance...for what seemed like forever. And of course, I would cry. At that age, I had never flown in a plane before. And I was still trying to really understand the concept that it could be 12pm here...at 9am in California. But all of it, seemed so out of my control. I always had a problem with the unknown, the unexplained, and the inability to make sense of whats not tangible; whats not physical. So I write all this to say....that time and distance...scares me.
I can't explain the emptying feeling that balls up inside me at the thought of the two in conjunction. Its probably because time and distance equals change. And change is hard for me. For a long time now, I've been trying to change some things, without destroying my little universe; which is proving impossible. It produces a feeling that I can only explain as...a burning or being engulfed by fire. Like, almost catching aflame without warning. the ultimate example of lack of control. Not to be dramatic...but that's the best way to explain it. Sometimes I feel like my insides are about to burst into flames and I become panicked. Me, because I think too much, spontaneously combusting because of it. Completely disappearing without a trace where I stood.
Without a trace...saying that reminds me of a 'dinner time' conversation we had. Sometimes we talk about some really heavy stuff. The child I nanny for is getting older, and his mother tries the best she can to answer his questions. He asked about atomic bombs, Hiroshima, and how it all worked. As she explained it I imagined everyday people going about their normal day. Mundane tasks, light laughter. And not so much a blast of destruction, but a wave of release. That made them disappear in a blink of an eye. A beautifully...unnecessary...loss of life. A devastation. A wipe out. Physically speaking anyways. She continued to to try and explain the difference between a bomb, that explodes, that combusts, and how an atomic bomb unlaces, creating energy, and becomes unstable. Falls apart.
She went on to explain hydrogen bombs as well, using her fingers as an example, interlocking them to show the bonds, and peeling them back to show them dissolving...quite like the flesh of the people in my imagination....And it all just dulled me...made me placid. Maybe that's how I really feel...like an atomic bomb....so much energy inside me.... even though i may seem so empty...slowly unlacing...and causing destruction, whatever destruction may mean in that sense (expression?). what I wouldn't give to be that weak undeserving creature who could never in their dreams survive such a molecular assault from me, the human atomic bomb. Just dissolve into nothing. Just ...released. No, not physically, but mentally. Pretty much what I'm saying is...I don't want to bubble up inside like an atomic bomb, or be empty like I am at night. I don't want to explode either. I don't need the mess that will follow after it...I just want to...stop thinking the way I do. In ways that keep me up when I should be sleeping. or trouble me while I'm sitting alone on a train. Because in the end, I do live by the hands of the clock...and its distance from one number to the next is almost like the distance from the sun to the earth....for everyone but me. I just don't have the time for this....
I had a dream...and the sun pretty much was mocking me. Burning like it does.... When I woke up the sun was still down; only slivers of light made it into the sky at 4 am. I didn't say it out loud...but I did wonder..."When will I really... wake up?"
Kind of like how the sun is far from the earth...I wanted to text back. but I didn't. That text message I received has no deep meaning. It was a simple text. With no profound emotion behind it; about the distance from here to Long Island, written by a friend. But after spending a good portion of my night staring at the wall...It made me think about two things that I can't control. Time...and distance. Hell, there is so much I can't control naming them would be pointless....But Something I've always understood to be out of my control, even when I was a child, was time and distance. My father used to go away for a weekend or so once a year. Back then you could walk with your loved ones to the boarding area. Back before the fuss surrounding inadequate security. I remember staring out the window. at the big plane my father would take off in. He'd give me hugs and kisses and I'd watch him take off into the distance...for what seemed like forever. And of course, I would cry. At that age, I had never flown in a plane before. And I was still trying to really understand the concept that it could be 12pm here...at 9am in California. But all of it, seemed so out of my control. I always had a problem with the unknown, the unexplained, and the inability to make sense of whats not tangible; whats not physical. So I write all this to say....that time and distance...scares me.
I can't explain the emptying feeling that balls up inside me at the thought of the two in conjunction. Its probably because time and distance equals change. And change is hard for me. For a long time now, I've been trying to change some things, without destroying my little universe; which is proving impossible. It produces a feeling that I can only explain as...a burning or being engulfed by fire. Like, almost catching aflame without warning. the ultimate example of lack of control. Not to be dramatic...but that's the best way to explain it. Sometimes I feel like my insides are about to burst into flames and I become panicked. Me, because I think too much, spontaneously combusting because of it. Completely disappearing without a trace where I stood.
Without a trace...saying that reminds me of a 'dinner time' conversation we had. Sometimes we talk about some really heavy stuff. The child I nanny for is getting older, and his mother tries the best she can to answer his questions. He asked about atomic bombs, Hiroshima, and how it all worked. As she explained it I imagined everyday people going about their normal day. Mundane tasks, light laughter. And not so much a blast of destruction, but a wave of release. That made them disappear in a blink of an eye. A beautifully...unnecessary...loss of life. A devastation. A wipe out. Physically speaking anyways. She continued to to try and explain the difference between a bomb, that explodes, that combusts, and how an atomic bomb unlaces, creating energy, and becomes unstable. Falls apart.
She went on to explain hydrogen bombs as well, using her fingers as an example, interlocking them to show the bonds, and peeling them back to show them dissolving...quite like the flesh of the people in my imagination....And it all just dulled me...made me placid. Maybe that's how I really feel...like an atomic bomb....so much energy inside me.... even though i may seem so empty...slowly unlacing...and causing destruction, whatever destruction may mean in that sense (expression?). what I wouldn't give to be that weak undeserving creature who could never in their dreams survive such a molecular assault from me, the human atomic bomb. Just dissolve into nothing. Just ...released. No, not physically, but mentally. Pretty much what I'm saying is...I don't want to bubble up inside like an atomic bomb, or be empty like I am at night. I don't want to explode either. I don't need the mess that will follow after it...I just want to...stop thinking the way I do. In ways that keep me up when I should be sleeping. or trouble me while I'm sitting alone on a train. Because in the end, I do live by the hands of the clock...and its distance from one number to the next is almost like the distance from the sun to the earth....for everyone but me. I just don't have the time for this....
I had a dream...and the sun pretty much was mocking me. Burning like it does.... When I woke up the sun was still down; only slivers of light made it into the sky at 4 am. I didn't say it out loud...but I did wonder..."When will I really... wake up?"
Sunday, January 2, 2011
2011
I would like to wish the entire world a Happy New Years.
A lot of people try all this "Ima be different this year!!" crap whenever New Years rolls around. "I'ma work out more" "I'ma cut ties with my ex's" "Ima be married by the end of 2011." Please.... you had all of 2010 to do that. If you didn't do it then, then why even make a resolution to do it now. Just freakin' do it already!! Stop using the start of a year as an accuse because by February you'll be paying for a gym membership you hardly use. I do think, however, that New Years should be a renewal period. you should feel a sense of refreshment because it is a beginning. Winter will be coming to a close soon and Spring, in my opinion, is a rebirth. It's a cycle just like all things that live: birth(Spring) life(Summer) transition (Autumn) death (Winter). Unless your Buddhist, The only life that can be reincarnated is Mother Nature's.
Right as December came to a close, a blizzard blew through New York City. There was so much snow and nothing green for miles. But now, just a week later, I'm seeing the signs of life returning. as the snow melts away, little blades of grass are popping up just as alive as ever. This gives me hope for my future. After such a trying year of juggling work and school like some sort of intensely trained circus monkey; while simultaneously keeping up with friends, family, and a boy I fell in love with, only to have my year end with hurt feelings and unintentional, yet, appreciated weight loss...I can go on...; I think I deserve a renewed sense of worthiness. I've yet to really put any sort of value in my worth as a human being, but I'm sure one day I will see what it is. As long as my 'lost 20 something' years don't follow me into my 30, 40, 50, etc...I think I will be fine. I think.
I'm finally graduating. with a degree in a subject I am good at but lazy with. I have no clue what I will be doing from here on out. All I know is I'm ready to be a vagabond. I'm ready to roam where ever the wind takes me. I'm ready to be poor for a very long time until my student loans are payed back. Wait did I say I was ready? I mean half ready...Half of me wants to be wild, adventurous, spirited, awakened. The other half wants to be clingy, with good company, and a steady routine so I can have a sense of control over my situation I like to call life. Sometimes I wonder if I really am a Gemini. Because the two feelings are so opposing and strong (though supposedly, Cancers are extremely indecisive).
I think a good representation of what I want this very minute is to be complacent. I know being complacent is usually used negatively...but that would be better than lost. If I were complacent, I would have a modest paying job working in my career field. I would have lovely roommates to share the electric bill with whom I drink wine and talk about philosophical ideas and deep thoughts with. I wouldn't be rich, but I wouldn't be poor. I would be able to go out and have tasty food two or three times a month and I would spend a lot of time being kind of a hipster, eclectic, different, and floating by. I would like that very much. Not for my entire life mind you (the truth is I will never grow up, but that lifestyle would have to change eventually right?), but for a while; just long enough to get my loans re-payed and enjoy a non-married existence with great times, good food, and friends. Am I asking for too much...?
Perhaps I am, but I think everyone should strive for something similar. Something that makes them happy without putting them in harms way (which is hard now a days...) or exerting too much effort. It's a complacent little slice of heaven I'm searching for; in order to live out the rest of my 20's. The Idea that I'm getting older isn't too exciting, not like it used to be. Before I knew that it meant I would get to do more things. Now it seems I will get to do more things like actually work! Truth is, I'm a hippy. Sure I work hard when I have to, but if I didn't have to I'd be sipping mimosas on a beach somewhere writing a mediocre book that Oprah would endorse soon after it was finished.
Life shouldn't be running around, working hard, and not being able to save your money to put towards the future. It should be about living. So with the ending of 2010, I learned that is exactly what I have to do. There is no doubt that my 2010 was good. it would have been amazing but towards the end.... things fell apart. That too is a part of life. But now It's 2011. Regardless of what trials and tribulations I may face this year, I know it will be a great year. Because I am taking steps towards a better future by graduating. I am amazing. You are too. Sometimes I look in the mirror and tell myself that: "I am amazing. I am beautiful. I'm not perfect. I should never be expected to be perfect. I deserve the best and I am doing something with my life." I should say it every day, maybe I wouldn't be such a pessimist.
If you ever feel low, you should say it too. Especially the "I am amazing, I am beautiful" part. Take a deep breath and just accept your awesomeness...
Ciao my amazing babies!
A lot of people try all this "Ima be different this year!!" crap whenever New Years rolls around. "I'ma work out more" "I'ma cut ties with my ex's" "Ima be married by the end of 2011." Please.... you had all of 2010 to do that. If you didn't do it then, then why even make a resolution to do it now. Just freakin' do it already!! Stop using the start of a year as an accuse because by February you'll be paying for a gym membership you hardly use. I do think, however, that New Years should be a renewal period. you should feel a sense of refreshment because it is a beginning. Winter will be coming to a close soon and Spring, in my opinion, is a rebirth. It's a cycle just like all things that live: birth(Spring) life(Summer) transition (Autumn) death (Winter). Unless your Buddhist, The only life that can be reincarnated is Mother Nature's.
Right as December came to a close, a blizzard blew through New York City. There was so much snow and nothing green for miles. But now, just a week later, I'm seeing the signs of life returning. as the snow melts away, little blades of grass are popping up just as alive as ever. This gives me hope for my future. After such a trying year of juggling work and school like some sort of intensely trained circus monkey; while simultaneously keeping up with friends, family, and a boy I fell in love with, only to have my year end with hurt feelings and unintentional, yet, appreciated weight loss...I can go on...; I think I deserve a renewed sense of worthiness. I've yet to really put any sort of value in my worth as a human being, but I'm sure one day I will see what it is. As long as my 'lost 20 something' years don't follow me into my 30, 40, 50, etc...I think I will be fine. I think.
I'm finally graduating. with a degree in a subject I am good at but lazy with. I have no clue what I will be doing from here on out. All I know is I'm ready to be a vagabond. I'm ready to roam where ever the wind takes me. I'm ready to be poor for a very long time until my student loans are payed back. Wait did I say I was ready? I mean half ready...Half of me wants to be wild, adventurous, spirited, awakened. The other half wants to be clingy, with good company, and a steady routine so I can have a sense of control over my situation I like to call life. Sometimes I wonder if I really am a Gemini. Because the two feelings are so opposing and strong (though supposedly, Cancers are extremely indecisive).
I think a good representation of what I want this very minute is to be complacent. I know being complacent is usually used negatively...but that would be better than lost. If I were complacent, I would have a modest paying job working in my career field. I would have lovely roommates to share the electric bill with whom I drink wine and talk about philosophical ideas and deep thoughts with. I wouldn't be rich, but I wouldn't be poor. I would be able to go out and have tasty food two or three times a month and I would spend a lot of time being kind of a hipster, eclectic, different, and floating by. I would like that very much. Not for my entire life mind you (the truth is I will never grow up, but that lifestyle would have to change eventually right?), but for a while; just long enough to get my loans re-payed and enjoy a non-married existence with great times, good food, and friends. Am I asking for too much...?
Perhaps I am, but I think everyone should strive for something similar. Something that makes them happy without putting them in harms way (which is hard now a days...) or exerting too much effort. It's a complacent little slice of heaven I'm searching for; in order to live out the rest of my 20's. The Idea that I'm getting older isn't too exciting, not like it used to be. Before I knew that it meant I would get to do more things. Now it seems I will get to do more things like actually work! Truth is, I'm a hippy. Sure I work hard when I have to, but if I didn't have to I'd be sipping mimosas on a beach somewhere writing a mediocre book that Oprah would endorse soon after it was finished.
Life shouldn't be running around, working hard, and not being able to save your money to put towards the future. It should be about living. So with the ending of 2010, I learned that is exactly what I have to do. There is no doubt that my 2010 was good. it would have been amazing but towards the end.... things fell apart. That too is a part of life. But now It's 2011. Regardless of what trials and tribulations I may face this year, I know it will be a great year. Because I am taking steps towards a better future by graduating. I am amazing. You are too. Sometimes I look in the mirror and tell myself that: "I am amazing. I am beautiful. I'm not perfect. I should never be expected to be perfect. I deserve the best and I am doing something with my life." I should say it every day, maybe I wouldn't be such a pessimist.
If you ever feel low, you should say it too. Especially the "I am amazing, I am beautiful" part. Take a deep breath and just accept your awesomeness...
Ciao my amazing babies!
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