I would do anything to be a million light years away from here...
What I mean by 'here' is this feeling I have. I have to say, in comparison to my previous crying spells and 'sleepy' appearance, I am now just deep sighing and feeling my worse at night. Visiting home was a big worry of mine. I didn't know how I would handle it. At first I felt strange...I was coming home and didn't immediately see him. But after my friends and family came to my side, I was able to actually have fun. So I began to worry about what would happen when I went back to New York. Alone.
Well, I'm still here. I haven't fallen off of the face of the earth. But now I don't have little brothers asking to play video games, eating IHOP late with friends, or hugs and kisses from mommy and daddy. I think the short hand version would be that I have nothing to occupy my time. Sure I am out and about., running errands and such, but I am back to being number one, as in alone. Today I talked with a lot of people on Skype which was nice, but as the new year comes in, I know everyone will be back to work, school, and family life. Which makes me wonder if I am cut out to be an adult. I don't seem to do these things too well (though school as of late has been amazing).
So it is now time for me to figure what to do in the next chapter of my life. 'Should I stay or should I go now?' That song was playing in my head for a year and a half when it came to should I stay in New York or should I go back home to Georgia. Since someone made a decision for me to cut Georgia out of the equation, now its 'should I stay or should I go now' as in stay in New York, or go abroad. Two of my friends are off on an adventure of new culture and excitement. I, however, am pretty home bodied. I would love to travel but a year is such a long time to me. I like being close to family and friends. Its just in my nature. On the flip side, going to another country sounds so adventurous. I'm black, wear an afro, and have large feet. I can't imagine too many places I would fit in perfectly in Europe, but who cares! I'll be in Europe right? I guess. I have this love-hate relationship with traveling. Love the idea. Hate the flying. Love the exploration. hate the timeliness. It would be such an easy decision if...
Okay...so you already know its about a guy...But hear me out. Not in the way you'd think. I'm kind of jaded at the thought of relationships right now. kind of don't want anything to do with them. BUT I do believe in the power of a certain relationship. Friendship. Nothing more, nothing less (though It would be a blatant lie if I said I wouldn't mind more). I have a friend whom I hold very dear. He's always been upfront and honest with me, and never lead me to believe anything outrageous. I've known him for 5 years and during the last 4 years he never once made any type of advance on me. He's motivated, he can hold a job, and...he loves New York City. If I stay in New York, I could have a roommate and a close friend. It would make being here so much easier. Other than my parents flipping their lids at the idea of me and a man living together (unmarried) I don't see any negatives. My parents' approval are very important to me, however, I feel comfortable with the idea of living with this friend and I know from experience that he can be trusted in the affairs of money and boundaries
A guy has hardly stopped me before from moving far away to chase a dream. If I want something bad enough, I'm going to do it regardless. But when weighing it all, I found that me up and running away to Tokyo might be a little rash of me. Here me out: I only moved to New York 2 years ago...which was me displacing myself in the name of education. Then I am suppose to displace myself once again after JUST beginning to feel comfortable and making friends (Which took me over a year to make!). I think I should sit around. think about it a bit. Who knows...maybe I can pursuade someone to follow me to the ends of the Earth...like to Germany... (yea right)
Ciao bebe.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Stone Temple Pilots-Down
*he always called me his 'Sunday girl' like from the stone temple pilots song. "Nice to meet you, I've been waiting for my Sunday girl" I was supposedly who he had been waiting for...*
Tonight I took a long hot shower. I washed my hair and plaited it for bed. I lotioned up and put on my pajamas, got in bed, and burst into tears. Its been almost a month and just when I thought I had made it past the rocks, I find myself back at the beginning. I am really hurt. I spend most mornings tossing in my bed or staring at the ceiling. I keep a rolling journal entry of how I feel in the morning and some people I've met as of late. It was helping I thought. But my problem is there was so much here that reminded me of him. I had pictures, voicemails, Valentine cards, his shirts... Thats a lot. I can't remember ever feeling this distraught before. I've had a bad breakup before, and I was pretty hurt from that one too. but compared to this one that first one was a walk in the park. I'm suppose to say "fuck him, I can do bad all by myself" but the truth is up until a month ago I was thinking maybe I should really go on to the next level, stop worrying, and become even more serious.
When I first moved away I started thinking maybe this was not going to work. I really questioned him. Over time I realized I met guys all over New York, but I always told them about him, and I never said I wanted anything more than a friendship. When I saw him 7 months later in March I knew I was still crazy about him. And even though I still had feelings for someone else, He was who I wanted. I knew that. and I told him that (how I felt about the other person, but how I felt about him). I know people make mistakes. I already knew about the women. I couldnt hold it against him. I was so far away...but it was the lying that really got me...It was the leading me on even after I made it clear that if he was to find someone, I needed to know so our conversations could change, so I could move on. Maybe he wanted his cake and to eat it too. All I know is this caused me to lose my closest two contacts in one fatal swoop and I was alone in New York. And he was not.
I think everyone knows I didn't handle the situation correctly. I can admit to that. I exploded. I remembered back to all of our past conversations leading up to the confrontation. Not once did he say he had moved on or that he liked someone. When I couldn't contact him, he always had a reason. I even said, "i'm worried. I feel like I'm losing you." What I got in response is "I feel the same way" and a bunch of "I love you's" and "I miss you's" and talk of visiting my parents, my smile, and marriage...something I've never seriously considered with anyone up until a year ago. That may be what makes it so painful. When I get serious. As long as I keep my heart halfway out of the relationship, I'm usually fine. But the two times I followed my heart it lead me right off the edge of a cliff. So what is a girl to do? Not only am I not interested in meeting anyone, but I still spend a good portion of my alone time reliving last months pain. This week was the first week I've smiled in a while according to my classmate. Which made me think I was getting better (and I'm sure I am) but i keep relapsing. I've NEVER dreamt of him. Until now...but that is only when I actually sleep. I'm not sure if its the stress of this final week of school, my job, him, or a combination of all three, but Im anxious. I'm insomniatic. I'm not very hungry, I can't tell if I'm tired unless I get a headache or I'm sitting on a moving train. My brain doesn't turn off. I got behind in my school work. And I made my counselor worry. I have to say, I'm just not dealing with this so well.
When I'm talking to people I begin to tremble. This is kind of worrisome to me. I can't control my nerves anymore. It comes and goes though. And I'm overly emotional now. I have no patience for anything. I tremble uncontrollably when doing activities involving my hands. The only thing that got me through was the boy I take care of. He knew something was wrong Im sure and was all over me for days. He would hug my arm and tell me he wanted me to stay forever. He made jokes and wanted to talk about God knows what at the time. And I put on a brave face for him (though it didn't fool his parents, or anyone else. everyone thought I was dreadfully sick).
I think I finally needed to write about what happened. I sort of kind of wrote about it, but I haven't been in the mood to do anything I usually enjoy doing. A good example was I finally obtained a copy of the final volume of a manga series I was reading. problem was it was a romance. Even worse, the boyfriend of the story's heroine reminded me of him. they literally had the same personality (as i pointed out to him once) just not the same way of treating girls I guess... by the end of the story I had mixed emotions. I was somewhat content with the ending, then sullen by the story and how it reminded me of him. I put the book back on the shelf and realized reading it actually made me feel bad. I sighed and tried my best to find something comical to read. But after that, I just wanted to get in my bed.
I've never been so personal on my blog. I try to keep the deep details of my life to myself. posting them online is hardly a smart thing to do. But this one cuts really deep. I'm far from my parents, from my friends, and from my southern comfort. Thank God I am too busy to drink or do drugs.(I had this conversation with some classmates, how do you even get drugs??). So I turn to the only thing I have that emits warmth: my computer. I hope that if I throw myself mercifully to the 'data gods' maybe I will have blabbed enough to get it out of my system. Finally being at peace. Because the emotions I keep going through seem to change at will and I'm spiraling out of control when it comes to pulling myself together. I know he's not the best thing in the world. I realized he had A LOT of faults. That doesn't change how I felt. I'm sure theres much better to be found, but that doesn't change how this feels. My biggest fear from the beginning was the circumstances. Dating a friend's brother is quite a balancing act. Him and I spoke a few times about what would happen if we really broke up, broke up. I was worried how that would affect my friendship. and Now I see exactly how its affecting it. Needless to say, I will NOT be dating ANY of my friend's family members again...It just complicates things.
So where do I go to from here? I have no idea. It took me a very long time to get over that first really bad break up (and a rebound that was beyond a bad choice). It took a very long time. So now, I have to do it all over again, only with even deeper feelings attached to it. I was told to remember the good times but when I do it makes me question if any of it was real. Back in June he surprised me by initiating a kiss. I remember really taking it all in because he's so awkward with kisses and finds them embarrassing. I believe I kissed him more on the cheek then I ever did his lips.... But we sat next to each other and he turned to me and gave me one of the most passionate kisses he could muster and I closed my eyes and told myself, "He REALLY must love me..." I also just plain feel sad thinking about things that will never be again. I don't date more than once. when its over, its over. And this....is very much over.
I've just poured my heart out. I hope nothing but the best for him (most of the time) and I just pray that I can stop feeling so terrible. I feel like such a pitiful person, such a sorry girl. An idiot to say the least. I don't think I should ever question my instincts again. though when it comes to the affairs of the heart, the brain has very little control over what will happen next. I made my choice to come to New York. And in the end, it was the best choice for me in order to finish school (which I will be finishing in May). Its been a struggle, and I had to make a decision to either stay in Georgia and possibly never graduate, or leave, which meant leaving him. I do respect him for never asking me to stay. Not once (though he did nothing but complain once I was up here). He always told me I was doing something for the future, and I always assumed that future included him. funny how quickly a future can change. And the timing of this was just all wrong. With all the things already going on in my life, with all the problems I was trying to combat, this really blindsided me. I think what really makes me a bit sad is that I had recently told him I wanted to talk to him when I came home to visit.I should have realized when he kept asking me when I was coming home that something was up. Yes, I wanted to stay in new york. I wanted him to come. I knew he's not big on changing, but if I couldn't persuade him, I would consider moving back. Yes, if I moved back to Georgia, it was solely for him. Now I don't know where I will be after May 2011. I have no reason to come home (of course my family, but you know what I mean). I'm just...I'm just here. I wake up every morning hoping its a dream. that we can start last month over again (or the last few months). He will tell me he likes and is interested in someone, he won't tell me I'm his dream girl or that he loves me. I will cry to my friends that he found someone new. They will say 'I'm sorry to hear that, and lets go out and party now that your single.' I would be moving on by now, with a past boyfriend who is now just my friend. Unfortunately, that will never happen now. And I do place blame on him for that.
Tonight I took a long hot shower. I washed my hair and plaited it for bed. I lotioned up and put on my pajamas, got in bed, and burst into tears. Its been almost a month and just when I thought I had made it past the rocks, I find myself back at the beginning. I am really hurt. I spend most mornings tossing in my bed or staring at the ceiling. I keep a rolling journal entry of how I feel in the morning and some people I've met as of late. It was helping I thought. But my problem is there was so much here that reminded me of him. I had pictures, voicemails, Valentine cards, his shirts... Thats a lot. I can't remember ever feeling this distraught before. I've had a bad breakup before, and I was pretty hurt from that one too. but compared to this one that first one was a walk in the park. I'm suppose to say "fuck him, I can do bad all by myself" but the truth is up until a month ago I was thinking maybe I should really go on to the next level, stop worrying, and become even more serious.
When I first moved away I started thinking maybe this was not going to work. I really questioned him. Over time I realized I met guys all over New York, but I always told them about him, and I never said I wanted anything more than a friendship. When I saw him 7 months later in March I knew I was still crazy about him. And even though I still had feelings for someone else, He was who I wanted. I knew that. and I told him that (how I felt about the other person, but how I felt about him). I know people make mistakes. I already knew about the women. I couldnt hold it against him. I was so far away...but it was the lying that really got me...It was the leading me on even after I made it clear that if he was to find someone, I needed to know so our conversations could change, so I could move on. Maybe he wanted his cake and to eat it too. All I know is this caused me to lose my closest two contacts in one fatal swoop and I was alone in New York. And he was not.
I think everyone knows I didn't handle the situation correctly. I can admit to that. I exploded. I remembered back to all of our past conversations leading up to the confrontation. Not once did he say he had moved on or that he liked someone. When I couldn't contact him, he always had a reason. I even said, "i'm worried. I feel like I'm losing you." What I got in response is "I feel the same way" and a bunch of "I love you's" and "I miss you's" and talk of visiting my parents, my smile, and marriage...something I've never seriously considered with anyone up until a year ago. That may be what makes it so painful. When I get serious. As long as I keep my heart halfway out of the relationship, I'm usually fine. But the two times I followed my heart it lead me right off the edge of a cliff. So what is a girl to do? Not only am I not interested in meeting anyone, but I still spend a good portion of my alone time reliving last months pain. This week was the first week I've smiled in a while according to my classmate. Which made me think I was getting better (and I'm sure I am) but i keep relapsing. I've NEVER dreamt of him. Until now...but that is only when I actually sleep. I'm not sure if its the stress of this final week of school, my job, him, or a combination of all three, but Im anxious. I'm insomniatic. I'm not very hungry, I can't tell if I'm tired unless I get a headache or I'm sitting on a moving train. My brain doesn't turn off. I got behind in my school work. And I made my counselor worry. I have to say, I'm just not dealing with this so well.
When I'm talking to people I begin to tremble. This is kind of worrisome to me. I can't control my nerves anymore. It comes and goes though. And I'm overly emotional now. I have no patience for anything. I tremble uncontrollably when doing activities involving my hands. The only thing that got me through was the boy I take care of. He knew something was wrong Im sure and was all over me for days. He would hug my arm and tell me he wanted me to stay forever. He made jokes and wanted to talk about God knows what at the time. And I put on a brave face for him (though it didn't fool his parents, or anyone else. everyone thought I was dreadfully sick).
I think I finally needed to write about what happened. I sort of kind of wrote about it, but I haven't been in the mood to do anything I usually enjoy doing. A good example was I finally obtained a copy of the final volume of a manga series I was reading. problem was it was a romance. Even worse, the boyfriend of the story's heroine reminded me of him. they literally had the same personality (as i pointed out to him once) just not the same way of treating girls I guess... by the end of the story I had mixed emotions. I was somewhat content with the ending, then sullen by the story and how it reminded me of him. I put the book back on the shelf and realized reading it actually made me feel bad. I sighed and tried my best to find something comical to read. But after that, I just wanted to get in my bed.
I've never been so personal on my blog. I try to keep the deep details of my life to myself. posting them online is hardly a smart thing to do. But this one cuts really deep. I'm far from my parents, from my friends, and from my southern comfort. Thank God I am too busy to drink or do drugs.(I had this conversation with some classmates, how do you even get drugs??). So I turn to the only thing I have that emits warmth: my computer. I hope that if I throw myself mercifully to the 'data gods' maybe I will have blabbed enough to get it out of my system. Finally being at peace. Because the emotions I keep going through seem to change at will and I'm spiraling out of control when it comes to pulling myself together. I know he's not the best thing in the world. I realized he had A LOT of faults. That doesn't change how I felt. I'm sure theres much better to be found, but that doesn't change how this feels. My biggest fear from the beginning was the circumstances. Dating a friend's brother is quite a balancing act. Him and I spoke a few times about what would happen if we really broke up, broke up. I was worried how that would affect my friendship. and Now I see exactly how its affecting it. Needless to say, I will NOT be dating ANY of my friend's family members again...It just complicates things.
So where do I go to from here? I have no idea. It took me a very long time to get over that first really bad break up (and a rebound that was beyond a bad choice). It took a very long time. So now, I have to do it all over again, only with even deeper feelings attached to it. I was told to remember the good times but when I do it makes me question if any of it was real. Back in June he surprised me by initiating a kiss. I remember really taking it all in because he's so awkward with kisses and finds them embarrassing. I believe I kissed him more on the cheek then I ever did his lips.... But we sat next to each other and he turned to me and gave me one of the most passionate kisses he could muster and I closed my eyes and told myself, "He REALLY must love me..." I also just plain feel sad thinking about things that will never be again. I don't date more than once. when its over, its over. And this....is very much over.
I've just poured my heart out. I hope nothing but the best for him (most of the time) and I just pray that I can stop feeling so terrible. I feel like such a pitiful person, such a sorry girl. An idiot to say the least. I don't think I should ever question my instincts again. though when it comes to the affairs of the heart, the brain has very little control over what will happen next. I made my choice to come to New York. And in the end, it was the best choice for me in order to finish school (which I will be finishing in May). Its been a struggle, and I had to make a decision to either stay in Georgia and possibly never graduate, or leave, which meant leaving him. I do respect him for never asking me to stay. Not once (though he did nothing but complain once I was up here). He always told me I was doing something for the future, and I always assumed that future included him. funny how quickly a future can change. And the timing of this was just all wrong. With all the things already going on in my life, with all the problems I was trying to combat, this really blindsided me. I think what really makes me a bit sad is that I had recently told him I wanted to talk to him when I came home to visit.I should have realized when he kept asking me when I was coming home that something was up. Yes, I wanted to stay in new york. I wanted him to come. I knew he's not big on changing, but if I couldn't persuade him, I would consider moving back. Yes, if I moved back to Georgia, it was solely for him. Now I don't know where I will be after May 2011. I have no reason to come home (of course my family, but you know what I mean). I'm just...I'm just here. I wake up every morning hoping its a dream. that we can start last month over again (or the last few months). He will tell me he likes and is interested in someone, he won't tell me I'm his dream girl or that he loves me. I will cry to my friends that he found someone new. They will say 'I'm sorry to hear that, and lets go out and party now that your single.' I would be moving on by now, with a past boyfriend who is now just my friend. Unfortunately, that will never happen now. And I do place blame on him for that.
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