Where Do I Start?

It's been a while. I'm trying to spend my time more wisely. I don't write enough. Not enough to consider myself a writer.

I'd like to change that.


The past few weeks have been eventful. I'm sure I should start with the end of last year, but instead I want to write about the last 6 weeks, I'll get to that in another post. In my life it feels like if it's not a barren plate, it's an over flowing one; i.e. My plate's full at the moment. It just seems to happen that way. Around December of last year, I decided I wanted to begin working on my documentary film project again; pick back up where I left off and finish it outright. Just as I began collecting myself and reworking the project I came across the opportunity to be a part of a digital marketing apprenticeship. I decided to accept the invite and since have been spending Monday through Thursday nights down at the very tip of Manhattan with a group of people who, like myself, want a career.  It's called Cooperate NYC, Co-op for short. It's meant to teach us a skill and fill in the gaps of a growing job market. It's also meant as a way of creating a community of people, most of us being underemployed and unemployed people of color.

It's pretty nice. I like most, if not all of the people within this new community. I haven't really been a part of something in about two years. Before my film project dissolved, I was pretty well integrated int the NYC comic scene.

How I digress.

In order to finish writing this post, I sat down and scheduled the rest of my night. I became slightly hungry and began foraging for food. then I saw the black eyed peas I wanted to make tonight. Then I saw the dishes, both clean and dirty. Then I saw the beer.

So first I grabbed the beer. Next, I sat down and wrote out what I was going to do tonight. I would write for another 20 minutes. then I would eat something. Word for word I wrote, "Eat something healthy." After, I would sort and wash the beans I'm cooking tonight. And then, I get dressed and meet My boyfriend in the city.

Even further digression.

Like I said, I've been busy. It's been six months now that I've been living with my boyfriend. We're definitely figuring each other out. So far so good. I'm still working the part-time jobs. Still struggling financially. That is why I decided the apprenticeship would be a good idea. I dream of a different life. One with a career. At least a career I can stand more than a few months. Then I can keep moving on to whatever it is that I really want to do. So my film project is suffering now. Boo. Either way, I want to make time for everything, and in order to do that, I have to put the work in and be patient. If I don't, I won't make it big in the successful adult department.

Oh to dream.

Positive Post

I had a very lovely day today. I don't write often enough about days where I wake up in a good mood and have fun.

A good friend of mine came and scouted out an apartment in Woodside with me. It was a beautiful sunny, lightly breezy fall day. It was actually really warm today. I found myself borderline sweating. We walked around the neighbor until my appointment time, viewed the apartment, and then walked back towards the train station. Because we took the train to the showing we decided to walked back home after lunch.

We were in prime tasty Filipino food area and took advantage of it. It was Ashley's first time trying it, and I was excited to apart her experience. Not to mention my affection for reasonably priced drool-worthy food.

The two mile walk back home rounded out the afternoon.


Days like this should be remembered. Days like this should be written down. Days like this I should remember more.

It's Not You, It's You

A very important person in my life reached out to me a bit ago and I missed his call so I called him back. He didn't answer and I didn't leave a message. After another month went by I began to worry. We actually don't have mutual friends and really the only way I know he's alive is direct contact. So I called him again. This time he answered and we talked for close to an hour. It was nice.

Then he went into his usual spiel.

How much he was sorry for hurting me.

How important I will aways be.

Yada

Yada

Yada.

But this time it didn't effect me the same way. I told him I will always love him as well and left it at that. Eventually I told him about my current boyfriend and it wasn't more than 10 minutes before he had to go.

It was okay though. There was nothing much else for me to say that I hadn't already told him a year ago: when it comes to him, I was tired. And this year, I'm still tired. I'll probably be tired next year, and the year after that.

I can't keep up, with his waning emotions. It's maddening.

I write all this now because it seems he's found a special lady. That's not an odd thing to me. He always does. At first my eyes narrowed. It looks like they got together and/or have been together from right around the time of that last spiel.

Which has happened before. It even happened the last time he gave me a spiel.

Possibly every time he's spieled me.

But then I smiled. I started thinking, "Maybe I'm finally free of of the spiels."

Maybe this is enough to solidify how bad of a person he is to have in my life romantically--maybe even non romantically. Regardless of how strongly I feel or felt for him, it's a good way to end a bad thing. I'm kinda in an amazing relationship right now and I don't need or want any unnecessary outside forces to muck it up.

Not even the ones I myself create in my head.

Every day I grow more harden, more no nonsense, more striving for betterment. I can't do better for myself if I keep people in my world who aren't helping me grow.

But here's the thing.

He's definitely still a big part of my life. Heh. He took up eight turbulent years of it. I can't imagine it being so easy to let it go to the waste side, but then again why not?  I have this issue when it comes to a lot of relationships. I have friendships where I've reached out over the years and still they dissipated. Some relationships have come back vibrantly; others, though pieced back together, never the same as before. Some, hanging in limbo as I speak.

No, not everyone is meant to stay. We can't. That's not how growth works. Growth is movement. And we're all moving. Moving objects crossing each others paths. Like a very complicated solar system surrounded by what we assume are our hopes and dreams, the stars.

Those bright, brilliant, baneful, blaring stars.

Us Currently

It's weird.

It's weird knowing.

It's weird  not only knowing, but coming to terms with the fact that a small percentage of your boyfriend's family is going to crack jokes behind closed doors about his inability to find a suitable woman to date.

It kinda finally hit me. It's not that I didn't know, we've talked about it. We talk about a lot of important things. How it will definitely happen. How he knows it will happen. Because he knows how a few people in his family are.

It's a strange thing to know and a strange thing to have to accept. Even if it's just in jest, it's still a pretty terrible thing to say about another person.

About me.

That he's that desperate. That he would stoop that low as to entertain a person outside of his race. Even worst, a black woman.

The older I become the more I find myself having to deal with issues like this.  My eyes continuing to be open.  Not necessarily about my lovely and me, but about how the world works. How it's so terribly bloated. Bloated with so much anger and unnecessary ugliness.

It really sucks.

Critical Hit

Yesterday I felt really good. For once in a long time my spirits were high and I had energy and I felt optimism about everything.

Then I applied to a job and woke up this morning restless with my stomach hurting, and no longer seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Just like that all of my anxiety about fulfilling work crept back. There's too much competition in this city and I'm tired of being told how "intelligent and personable" I am followed by "but we'll pass."

I'm finally applying to writing and copy positions, but my fear is I won't be taken seriously even with my published work because it's not on well known sites or about celebrities.

It sucks because I have to go to work at noon and I feel so crippled by this that I don't feel like doing any searches this morning and just curling up into a quivering ball of covers until I have to leave my room.

I don't see my therapist again until September because she's away on her annual vacation and I'm just... I'm just working myself up and I really don't want to and it's such a struggle.

This year I upped my reading, writing, and applying to jobs I really want and I've definitely gained a lot of perspective. That feeling of doom is just really hard to shake, especially when you make just about the same little amount of money everywhere you go. Seriously, it doesn't matter if I'm working for a tv show or holding down a couple of part-time jobs, I literally make the same amount of money everywhere I've gone.

One of the few things that has been helping is swimming laps: I have to focus on my breathing and stroke. I know exercise is a proven mood booster, but it's still hard to get myself up and going when I feel this way.

I finally got a swim cap that fits over my dreads (it's gigantic, one day I'll post a picture. My roommate says I look like a futuristic Ethiopian aristocrat). Today I'm going to try to swim a few laps and maybe even practice some drills so I have something to focus on other than my Pandora's box of fears. But I don't know if I have it in me. I really wanted to do it this morning, but I need more time to get myself together.

I Need To Write More

I need to write more.


So I'm trying to. Even if I have nothing to talk about, or anything in particular I want to write. I need to make it a point to write more. At least 30 minutes a day. Hopefully this will lead to something. Im unsure what. I know I'm a talented writer. So I should make use of said talent.

This Is New

I've been dating J___ going on 6 months now. Though it's not an amount of time I've ever considered long, I--actually we, feel like it's been forever. It's not too strange when you think about it though. We knew each other for at least 3 years prior to dating.

Upon further thought I realized how easily we sank into each others lives. We have this crazy ying and yang effect that I'm finding really hard to ignore. It's a strange yet nice feeling. I've seen how happiness with someone in the first few months has played out way too often with friends so I gotta say I'm not interested in rushing it. I can't help wonder though where this will take me. Either way I'm enjoying the ride. Slow and steady wins the race.

He makes me laugh, but more than that; he makes me giggle uncontrollably, like a child would if being tickled (embarrassingly enough). He kisses me everywhere: my hands, my shoulders, even my feet. I would say he has successfully planted a kiss on every part of my being, including my mind and soul. When he embraces me he breathes me in and tells me how wonderful my scent is. Even when my hair smells of chlorine after I've come back from the pool, he comments on the loveliness of my pheromones. When he touches me, he remarks on how soft I am, how wonderful it is to be near me.

He is strong and of good build. His voice is deep with gravelly hints, but not so much to take away from it's sweetness. It's appealing to my ears.

Geez it's embarrassing to say, but... as masculine as he is, he amazes me with his gentleness.

We're both emotional people so we take turns falling apart. Sometimes when it's my turn he wraps himself around me and soothes me with his words; those words calm in such a way that all I can do is believe him. So I do.

Today was one of those word-soother days. He looked at me and asked if I'd been crying. I hadn't, but I had been holding it back, which was apparent from the tears in my eyes it seems. Before my face even had the chance to crumble he slid in bed with me and held me close. He used so many words, some of which he said before, but today he said something different and it stuck with me: You're a beautiful woman. Both inside and out.

less than a minute later he repeated, "You're a beautiful woman."

Him calling me beautiful is not a strange thing, in fact whenever he does say it I quite enjoy it. But this was different. I watched him intently as he spoke: his eyes, the seriousness in his expression, his hand stroking my arm lightly to comfort, I watched him. And in that moment I believed him completely. And now that the moment has passed I still believe him.

Outside of family, I don't think I've ever had someone say that to me and fully believed they meant it. Both the beauty and being a woman part.

This is new.

I like it.