I would like to wish the entire world a Happy New Years.
A lot of people try all this "Ima be different this year!!" crap whenever New Years rolls around. "I'ma work out more" "I'ma cut ties with my ex's" "Ima be married by the end of 2011." Please.... you had all of 2010 to do that. If you didn't do it then, then why even make a resolution to do it now. Just freakin' do it already!! Stop using the start of a year as an accuse because by February you'll be paying for a gym membership you hardly use. I do think, however, that New Years should be a renewal period. you should feel a sense of refreshment because it is a beginning. Winter will be coming to a close soon and Spring, in my opinion, is a rebirth. It's a cycle just like all things that live: birth(Spring) life(Summer) transition (Autumn) death (Winter). Unless your Buddhist, The only life that can be reincarnated is Mother Nature's.
Right as December came to a close, a blizzard blew through New York City. There was so much snow and nothing green for miles. But now, just a week later, I'm seeing the signs of life returning. as the snow melts away, little blades of grass are popping up just as alive as ever. This gives me hope for my future. After such a trying year of juggling work and school like some sort of intensely trained circus monkey; while simultaneously keeping up with friends, family, and a boy I fell in love with, only to have my year end with hurt feelings and unintentional, yet, appreciated weight loss...I can go on...; I think I deserve a renewed sense of worthiness. I've yet to really put any sort of value in my worth as a human being, but I'm sure one day I will see what it is. As long as my 'lost 20 something' years don't follow me into my 30, 40, 50, etc...I think I will be fine. I think.
I'm finally graduating. with a degree in a subject I am good at but lazy with. I have no clue what I will be doing from here on out. All I know is I'm ready to be a vagabond. I'm ready to roam where ever the wind takes me. I'm ready to be poor for a very long time until my student loans are payed back. Wait did I say I was ready? I mean half ready...Half of me wants to be wild, adventurous, spirited, awakened. The other half wants to be clingy, with good company, and a steady routine so I can have a sense of control over my situation I like to call life. Sometimes I wonder if I really am a Gemini. Because the two feelings are so opposing and strong (though supposedly, Cancers are extremely indecisive).
I think a good representation of what I want this very minute is to be complacent. I know being complacent is usually used negatively...but that would be better than lost. If I were complacent, I would have a modest paying job working in my career field. I would have lovely roommates to share the electric bill with whom I drink wine and talk about philosophical ideas and deep thoughts with. I wouldn't be rich, but I wouldn't be poor. I would be able to go out and have tasty food two or three times a month and I would spend a lot of time being kind of a hipster, eclectic, different, and floating by. I would like that very much. Not for my entire life mind you (the truth is I will never grow up, but that lifestyle would have to change eventually right?), but for a while; just long enough to get my loans re-payed and enjoy a non-married existence with great times, good food, and friends. Am I asking for too much...?
Perhaps I am, but I think everyone should strive for something similar. Something that makes them happy without putting them in harms way (which is hard now a days...) or exerting too much effort. It's a complacent little slice of heaven I'm searching for; in order to live out the rest of my 20's. The Idea that I'm getting older isn't too exciting, not like it used to be. Before I knew that it meant I would get to do more things. Now it seems I will get to do more things like actually work! Truth is, I'm a hippy. Sure I work hard when I have to, but if I didn't have to I'd be sipping mimosas on a beach somewhere writing a mediocre book that Oprah would endorse soon after it was finished.
Life shouldn't be running around, working hard, and not being able to save your money to put towards the future. It should be about living. So with the ending of 2010, I learned that is exactly what I have to do. There is no doubt that my 2010 was good. it would have been amazing but towards the end.... things fell apart. That too is a part of life. But now It's 2011. Regardless of what trials and tribulations I may face this year, I know it will be a great year. Because I am taking steps towards a better future by graduating. I am amazing. You are too. Sometimes I look in the mirror and tell myself that: "I am amazing. I am beautiful. I'm not perfect. I should never be expected to be perfect. I deserve the best and I am doing something with my life." I should say it every day, maybe I wouldn't be such a pessimist.
If you ever feel low, you should say it too. Especially the "I am amazing, I am beautiful" part. Take a deep breath and just accept your awesomeness...
Ciao my amazing babies!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
Across the Universe
I would do anything to be a million light years away from here...
What I mean by 'here' is this feeling I have. I have to say, in comparison to my previous crying spells and 'sleepy' appearance, I am now just deep sighing and feeling my worse at night. Visiting home was a big worry of mine. I didn't know how I would handle it. At first I felt strange...I was coming home and didn't immediately see him. But after my friends and family came to my side, I was able to actually have fun. So I began to worry about what would happen when I went back to New York. Alone.
Well, I'm still here. I haven't fallen off of the face of the earth. But now I don't have little brothers asking to play video games, eating IHOP late with friends, or hugs and kisses from mommy and daddy. I think the short hand version would be that I have nothing to occupy my time. Sure I am out and about., running errands and such, but I am back to being number one, as in alone. Today I talked with a lot of people on Skype which was nice, but as the new year comes in, I know everyone will be back to work, school, and family life. Which makes me wonder if I am cut out to be an adult. I don't seem to do these things too well (though school as of late has been amazing).
So it is now time for me to figure what to do in the next chapter of my life. 'Should I stay or should I go now?' That song was playing in my head for a year and a half when it came to should I stay in New York or should I go back home to Georgia. Since someone made a decision for me to cut Georgia out of the equation, now its 'should I stay or should I go now' as in stay in New York, or go abroad. Two of my friends are off on an adventure of new culture and excitement. I, however, am pretty home bodied. I would love to travel but a year is such a long time to me. I like being close to family and friends. Its just in my nature. On the flip side, going to another country sounds so adventurous. I'm black, wear an afro, and have large feet. I can't imagine too many places I would fit in perfectly in Europe, but who cares! I'll be in Europe right? I guess. I have this love-hate relationship with traveling. Love the idea. Hate the flying. Love the exploration. hate the timeliness. It would be such an easy decision if...
Okay...so you already know its about a guy...But hear me out. Not in the way you'd think. I'm kind of jaded at the thought of relationships right now. kind of don't want anything to do with them. BUT I do believe in the power of a certain relationship. Friendship. Nothing more, nothing less (though It would be a blatant lie if I said I wouldn't mind more). I have a friend whom I hold very dear. He's always been upfront and honest with me, and never lead me to believe anything outrageous. I've known him for 5 years and during the last 4 years he never once made any type of advance on me. He's motivated, he can hold a job, and...he loves New York City. If I stay in New York, I could have a roommate and a close friend. It would make being here so much easier. Other than my parents flipping their lids at the idea of me and a man living together (unmarried) I don't see any negatives. My parents' approval are very important to me, however, I feel comfortable with the idea of living with this friend and I know from experience that he can be trusted in the affairs of money and boundaries
A guy has hardly stopped me before from moving far away to chase a dream. If I want something bad enough, I'm going to do it regardless. But when weighing it all, I found that me up and running away to Tokyo might be a little rash of me. Here me out: I only moved to New York 2 years ago...which was me displacing myself in the name of education. Then I am suppose to displace myself once again after JUST beginning to feel comfortable and making friends (Which took me over a year to make!). I think I should sit around. think about it a bit. Who knows...maybe I can pursuade someone to follow me to the ends of the Earth...like to Germany... (yea right)
Ciao bebe.
What I mean by 'here' is this feeling I have. I have to say, in comparison to my previous crying spells and 'sleepy' appearance, I am now just deep sighing and feeling my worse at night. Visiting home was a big worry of mine. I didn't know how I would handle it. At first I felt strange...I was coming home and didn't immediately see him. But after my friends and family came to my side, I was able to actually have fun. So I began to worry about what would happen when I went back to New York. Alone.
Well, I'm still here. I haven't fallen off of the face of the earth. But now I don't have little brothers asking to play video games, eating IHOP late with friends, or hugs and kisses from mommy and daddy. I think the short hand version would be that I have nothing to occupy my time. Sure I am out and about., running errands and such, but I am back to being number one, as in alone. Today I talked with a lot of people on Skype which was nice, but as the new year comes in, I know everyone will be back to work, school, and family life. Which makes me wonder if I am cut out to be an adult. I don't seem to do these things too well (though school as of late has been amazing).
So it is now time for me to figure what to do in the next chapter of my life. 'Should I stay or should I go now?' That song was playing in my head for a year and a half when it came to should I stay in New York or should I go back home to Georgia. Since someone made a decision for me to cut Georgia out of the equation, now its 'should I stay or should I go now' as in stay in New York, or go abroad. Two of my friends are off on an adventure of new culture and excitement. I, however, am pretty home bodied. I would love to travel but a year is such a long time to me. I like being close to family and friends. Its just in my nature. On the flip side, going to another country sounds so adventurous. I'm black, wear an afro, and have large feet. I can't imagine too many places I would fit in perfectly in Europe, but who cares! I'll be in Europe right? I guess. I have this love-hate relationship with traveling. Love the idea. Hate the flying. Love the exploration. hate the timeliness. It would be such an easy decision if...
Okay...so you already know its about a guy...But hear me out. Not in the way you'd think. I'm kind of jaded at the thought of relationships right now. kind of don't want anything to do with them. BUT I do believe in the power of a certain relationship. Friendship. Nothing more, nothing less (though It would be a blatant lie if I said I wouldn't mind more). I have a friend whom I hold very dear. He's always been upfront and honest with me, and never lead me to believe anything outrageous. I've known him for 5 years and during the last 4 years he never once made any type of advance on me. He's motivated, he can hold a job, and...he loves New York City. If I stay in New York, I could have a roommate and a close friend. It would make being here so much easier. Other than my parents flipping their lids at the idea of me and a man living together (unmarried) I don't see any negatives. My parents' approval are very important to me, however, I feel comfortable with the idea of living with this friend and I know from experience that he can be trusted in the affairs of money and boundaries
A guy has hardly stopped me before from moving far away to chase a dream. If I want something bad enough, I'm going to do it regardless. But when weighing it all, I found that me up and running away to Tokyo might be a little rash of me. Here me out: I only moved to New York 2 years ago...which was me displacing myself in the name of education. Then I am suppose to displace myself once again after JUST beginning to feel comfortable and making friends (Which took me over a year to make!). I think I should sit around. think about it a bit. Who knows...maybe I can pursuade someone to follow me to the ends of the Earth...like to Germany... (yea right)
Ciao bebe.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Stone Temple Pilots-Down
*he always called me his 'Sunday girl' like from the stone temple pilots song. "Nice to meet you, I've been waiting for my Sunday girl" I was supposedly who he had been waiting for...*
Tonight I took a long hot shower. I washed my hair and plaited it for bed. I lotioned up and put on my pajamas, got in bed, and burst into tears. Its been almost a month and just when I thought I had made it past the rocks, I find myself back at the beginning. I am really hurt. I spend most mornings tossing in my bed or staring at the ceiling. I keep a rolling journal entry of how I feel in the morning and some people I've met as of late. It was helping I thought. But my problem is there was so much here that reminded me of him. I had pictures, voicemails, Valentine cards, his shirts... Thats a lot. I can't remember ever feeling this distraught before. I've had a bad breakup before, and I was pretty hurt from that one too. but compared to this one that first one was a walk in the park. I'm suppose to say "fuck him, I can do bad all by myself" but the truth is up until a month ago I was thinking maybe I should really go on to the next level, stop worrying, and become even more serious.
When I first moved away I started thinking maybe this was not going to work. I really questioned him. Over time I realized I met guys all over New York, but I always told them about him, and I never said I wanted anything more than a friendship. When I saw him 7 months later in March I knew I was still crazy about him. And even though I still had feelings for someone else, He was who I wanted. I knew that. and I told him that (how I felt about the other person, but how I felt about him). I know people make mistakes. I already knew about the women. I couldnt hold it against him. I was so far away...but it was the lying that really got me...It was the leading me on even after I made it clear that if he was to find someone, I needed to know so our conversations could change, so I could move on. Maybe he wanted his cake and to eat it too. All I know is this caused me to lose my closest two contacts in one fatal swoop and I was alone in New York. And he was not.
I think everyone knows I didn't handle the situation correctly. I can admit to that. I exploded. I remembered back to all of our past conversations leading up to the confrontation. Not once did he say he had moved on or that he liked someone. When I couldn't contact him, he always had a reason. I even said, "i'm worried. I feel like I'm losing you." What I got in response is "I feel the same way" and a bunch of "I love you's" and "I miss you's" and talk of visiting my parents, my smile, and marriage...something I've never seriously considered with anyone up until a year ago. That may be what makes it so painful. When I get serious. As long as I keep my heart halfway out of the relationship, I'm usually fine. But the two times I followed my heart it lead me right off the edge of a cliff. So what is a girl to do? Not only am I not interested in meeting anyone, but I still spend a good portion of my alone time reliving last months pain. This week was the first week I've smiled in a while according to my classmate. Which made me think I was getting better (and I'm sure I am) but i keep relapsing. I've NEVER dreamt of him. Until now...but that is only when I actually sleep. I'm not sure if its the stress of this final week of school, my job, him, or a combination of all three, but Im anxious. I'm insomniatic. I'm not very hungry, I can't tell if I'm tired unless I get a headache or I'm sitting on a moving train. My brain doesn't turn off. I got behind in my school work. And I made my counselor worry. I have to say, I'm just not dealing with this so well.
When I'm talking to people I begin to tremble. This is kind of worrisome to me. I can't control my nerves anymore. It comes and goes though. And I'm overly emotional now. I have no patience for anything. I tremble uncontrollably when doing activities involving my hands. The only thing that got me through was the boy I take care of. He knew something was wrong Im sure and was all over me for days. He would hug my arm and tell me he wanted me to stay forever. He made jokes and wanted to talk about God knows what at the time. And I put on a brave face for him (though it didn't fool his parents, or anyone else. everyone thought I was dreadfully sick).
I think I finally needed to write about what happened. I sort of kind of wrote about it, but I haven't been in the mood to do anything I usually enjoy doing. A good example was I finally obtained a copy of the final volume of a manga series I was reading. problem was it was a romance. Even worse, the boyfriend of the story's heroine reminded me of him. they literally had the same personality (as i pointed out to him once) just not the same way of treating girls I guess... by the end of the story I had mixed emotions. I was somewhat content with the ending, then sullen by the story and how it reminded me of him. I put the book back on the shelf and realized reading it actually made me feel bad. I sighed and tried my best to find something comical to read. But after that, I just wanted to get in my bed.
I've never been so personal on my blog. I try to keep the deep details of my life to myself. posting them online is hardly a smart thing to do. But this one cuts really deep. I'm far from my parents, from my friends, and from my southern comfort. Thank God I am too busy to drink or do drugs.(I had this conversation with some classmates, how do you even get drugs??). So I turn to the only thing I have that emits warmth: my computer. I hope that if I throw myself mercifully to the 'data gods' maybe I will have blabbed enough to get it out of my system. Finally being at peace. Because the emotions I keep going through seem to change at will and I'm spiraling out of control when it comes to pulling myself together. I know he's not the best thing in the world. I realized he had A LOT of faults. That doesn't change how I felt. I'm sure theres much better to be found, but that doesn't change how this feels. My biggest fear from the beginning was the circumstances. Dating a friend's brother is quite a balancing act. Him and I spoke a few times about what would happen if we really broke up, broke up. I was worried how that would affect my friendship. and Now I see exactly how its affecting it. Needless to say, I will NOT be dating ANY of my friend's family members again...It just complicates things.
So where do I go to from here? I have no idea. It took me a very long time to get over that first really bad break up (and a rebound that was beyond a bad choice). It took a very long time. So now, I have to do it all over again, only with even deeper feelings attached to it. I was told to remember the good times but when I do it makes me question if any of it was real. Back in June he surprised me by initiating a kiss. I remember really taking it all in because he's so awkward with kisses and finds them embarrassing. I believe I kissed him more on the cheek then I ever did his lips.... But we sat next to each other and he turned to me and gave me one of the most passionate kisses he could muster and I closed my eyes and told myself, "He REALLY must love me..." I also just plain feel sad thinking about things that will never be again. I don't date more than once. when its over, its over. And this....is very much over.
I've just poured my heart out. I hope nothing but the best for him (most of the time) and I just pray that I can stop feeling so terrible. I feel like such a pitiful person, such a sorry girl. An idiot to say the least. I don't think I should ever question my instincts again. though when it comes to the affairs of the heart, the brain has very little control over what will happen next. I made my choice to come to New York. And in the end, it was the best choice for me in order to finish school (which I will be finishing in May). Its been a struggle, and I had to make a decision to either stay in Georgia and possibly never graduate, or leave, which meant leaving him. I do respect him for never asking me to stay. Not once (though he did nothing but complain once I was up here). He always told me I was doing something for the future, and I always assumed that future included him. funny how quickly a future can change. And the timing of this was just all wrong. With all the things already going on in my life, with all the problems I was trying to combat, this really blindsided me. I think what really makes me a bit sad is that I had recently told him I wanted to talk to him when I came home to visit.I should have realized when he kept asking me when I was coming home that something was up. Yes, I wanted to stay in new york. I wanted him to come. I knew he's not big on changing, but if I couldn't persuade him, I would consider moving back. Yes, if I moved back to Georgia, it was solely for him. Now I don't know where I will be after May 2011. I have no reason to come home (of course my family, but you know what I mean). I'm just...I'm just here. I wake up every morning hoping its a dream. that we can start last month over again (or the last few months). He will tell me he likes and is interested in someone, he won't tell me I'm his dream girl or that he loves me. I will cry to my friends that he found someone new. They will say 'I'm sorry to hear that, and lets go out and party now that your single.' I would be moving on by now, with a past boyfriend who is now just my friend. Unfortunately, that will never happen now. And I do place blame on him for that.
Tonight I took a long hot shower. I washed my hair and plaited it for bed. I lotioned up and put on my pajamas, got in bed, and burst into tears. Its been almost a month and just when I thought I had made it past the rocks, I find myself back at the beginning. I am really hurt. I spend most mornings tossing in my bed or staring at the ceiling. I keep a rolling journal entry of how I feel in the morning and some people I've met as of late. It was helping I thought. But my problem is there was so much here that reminded me of him. I had pictures, voicemails, Valentine cards, his shirts... Thats a lot. I can't remember ever feeling this distraught before. I've had a bad breakup before, and I was pretty hurt from that one too. but compared to this one that first one was a walk in the park. I'm suppose to say "fuck him, I can do bad all by myself" but the truth is up until a month ago I was thinking maybe I should really go on to the next level, stop worrying, and become even more serious.
When I first moved away I started thinking maybe this was not going to work. I really questioned him. Over time I realized I met guys all over New York, but I always told them about him, and I never said I wanted anything more than a friendship. When I saw him 7 months later in March I knew I was still crazy about him. And even though I still had feelings for someone else, He was who I wanted. I knew that. and I told him that (how I felt about the other person, but how I felt about him). I know people make mistakes. I already knew about the women. I couldnt hold it against him. I was so far away...but it was the lying that really got me...It was the leading me on even after I made it clear that if he was to find someone, I needed to know so our conversations could change, so I could move on. Maybe he wanted his cake and to eat it too. All I know is this caused me to lose my closest two contacts in one fatal swoop and I was alone in New York. And he was not.
I think everyone knows I didn't handle the situation correctly. I can admit to that. I exploded. I remembered back to all of our past conversations leading up to the confrontation. Not once did he say he had moved on or that he liked someone. When I couldn't contact him, he always had a reason. I even said, "i'm worried. I feel like I'm losing you." What I got in response is "I feel the same way" and a bunch of "I love you's" and "I miss you's" and talk of visiting my parents, my smile, and marriage...something I've never seriously considered with anyone up until a year ago. That may be what makes it so painful. When I get serious. As long as I keep my heart halfway out of the relationship, I'm usually fine. But the two times I followed my heart it lead me right off the edge of a cliff. So what is a girl to do? Not only am I not interested in meeting anyone, but I still spend a good portion of my alone time reliving last months pain. This week was the first week I've smiled in a while according to my classmate. Which made me think I was getting better (and I'm sure I am) but i keep relapsing. I've NEVER dreamt of him. Until now...but that is only when I actually sleep. I'm not sure if its the stress of this final week of school, my job, him, or a combination of all three, but Im anxious. I'm insomniatic. I'm not very hungry, I can't tell if I'm tired unless I get a headache or I'm sitting on a moving train. My brain doesn't turn off. I got behind in my school work. And I made my counselor worry. I have to say, I'm just not dealing with this so well.
When I'm talking to people I begin to tremble. This is kind of worrisome to me. I can't control my nerves anymore. It comes and goes though. And I'm overly emotional now. I have no patience for anything. I tremble uncontrollably when doing activities involving my hands. The only thing that got me through was the boy I take care of. He knew something was wrong Im sure and was all over me for days. He would hug my arm and tell me he wanted me to stay forever. He made jokes and wanted to talk about God knows what at the time. And I put on a brave face for him (though it didn't fool his parents, or anyone else. everyone thought I was dreadfully sick).
I think I finally needed to write about what happened. I sort of kind of wrote about it, but I haven't been in the mood to do anything I usually enjoy doing. A good example was I finally obtained a copy of the final volume of a manga series I was reading. problem was it was a romance. Even worse, the boyfriend of the story's heroine reminded me of him. they literally had the same personality (as i pointed out to him once) just not the same way of treating girls I guess... by the end of the story I had mixed emotions. I was somewhat content with the ending, then sullen by the story and how it reminded me of him. I put the book back on the shelf and realized reading it actually made me feel bad. I sighed and tried my best to find something comical to read. But after that, I just wanted to get in my bed.
I've never been so personal on my blog. I try to keep the deep details of my life to myself. posting them online is hardly a smart thing to do. But this one cuts really deep. I'm far from my parents, from my friends, and from my southern comfort. Thank God I am too busy to drink or do drugs.(I had this conversation with some classmates, how do you even get drugs??). So I turn to the only thing I have that emits warmth: my computer. I hope that if I throw myself mercifully to the 'data gods' maybe I will have blabbed enough to get it out of my system. Finally being at peace. Because the emotions I keep going through seem to change at will and I'm spiraling out of control when it comes to pulling myself together. I know he's not the best thing in the world. I realized he had A LOT of faults. That doesn't change how I felt. I'm sure theres much better to be found, but that doesn't change how this feels. My biggest fear from the beginning was the circumstances. Dating a friend's brother is quite a balancing act. Him and I spoke a few times about what would happen if we really broke up, broke up. I was worried how that would affect my friendship. and Now I see exactly how its affecting it. Needless to say, I will NOT be dating ANY of my friend's family members again...It just complicates things.
So where do I go to from here? I have no idea. It took me a very long time to get over that first really bad break up (and a rebound that was beyond a bad choice). It took a very long time. So now, I have to do it all over again, only with even deeper feelings attached to it. I was told to remember the good times but when I do it makes me question if any of it was real. Back in June he surprised me by initiating a kiss. I remember really taking it all in because he's so awkward with kisses and finds them embarrassing. I believe I kissed him more on the cheek then I ever did his lips.... But we sat next to each other and he turned to me and gave me one of the most passionate kisses he could muster and I closed my eyes and told myself, "He REALLY must love me..." I also just plain feel sad thinking about things that will never be again. I don't date more than once. when its over, its over. And this....is very much over.
I've just poured my heart out. I hope nothing but the best for him (most of the time) and I just pray that I can stop feeling so terrible. I feel like such a pitiful person, such a sorry girl. An idiot to say the least. I don't think I should ever question my instincts again. though when it comes to the affairs of the heart, the brain has very little control over what will happen next. I made my choice to come to New York. And in the end, it was the best choice for me in order to finish school (which I will be finishing in May). Its been a struggle, and I had to make a decision to either stay in Georgia and possibly never graduate, or leave, which meant leaving him. I do respect him for never asking me to stay. Not once (though he did nothing but complain once I was up here). He always told me I was doing something for the future, and I always assumed that future included him. funny how quickly a future can change. And the timing of this was just all wrong. With all the things already going on in my life, with all the problems I was trying to combat, this really blindsided me. I think what really makes me a bit sad is that I had recently told him I wanted to talk to him when I came home to visit.I should have realized when he kept asking me when I was coming home that something was up. Yes, I wanted to stay in new york. I wanted him to come. I knew he's not big on changing, but if I couldn't persuade him, I would consider moving back. Yes, if I moved back to Georgia, it was solely for him. Now I don't know where I will be after May 2011. I have no reason to come home (of course my family, but you know what I mean). I'm just...I'm just here. I wake up every morning hoping its a dream. that we can start last month over again (or the last few months). He will tell me he likes and is interested in someone, he won't tell me I'm his dream girl or that he loves me. I will cry to my friends that he found someone new. They will say 'I'm sorry to hear that, and lets go out and party now that your single.' I would be moving on by now, with a past boyfriend who is now just my friend. Unfortunately, that will never happen now. And I do place blame on him for that.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Golden Casket Burials From My Childhood
I used every resource imaginable in order to take a nap today. It only lasted 25 minutes, but in that time I dreamt of my childhood.
I remember on cool fall days, usually deep into November, playing outside at night regardless of how often I saw my breath cascading clearly in front of me. Often times I would be with my brothers, cousins, or a combination of both. I always loved being outside at night, especially when the moon rose high and round and i could play with it shaping my hands around it hiding it behind trees, and dancing beneath it. One particular night stands out among the others: It was Thanksgiving night and as usual the deliciousness shared among families across the country, turkey, yams, collard greens, and home style mac and cheese, were not ready yet. As was 'tradition' in my family, we ate late because we began late, because we cooked late. I didn't learn until i grew much older that people began eating their heavy dinners some time around 4 or 5 pm, while my family once (or maybe even thrice) ate well past midnight. And on this particular night my siblings, cousins, and I played outside past 7 o'clock. Again, being that it were November, the leaves had all fallen from the trees and began to crunch beneath your feet; I remember them, gold and brown, huge and curling in on themselves, maple leaves from the surrounding trees on the plot that was then my Aunt's house. and we ran about collecting those beautiful little treasures some of us in masses, some of us carefully one by one, until a pile began to grow. And we would each take turns laying in that pile while being buried by our great treasures at the hands of family. This is about where my dream replays this little token of my past. Laughing and laying on top of the harden cold ground with a layer of crinkly crunchy leaves and covering your eyes and nose and mouth so not to get leave bits inside them. And my cousins would giggle and my brothers would laugh and i was completely covered by leaves of all sorts. And much like my memory believes, I sit and try to look through that pile of leaves silent and smiling, no longer covering my eyes but peering out to see the moonlight break through the leafy barrier, to reach me and sit underneath in complete tranquility. I remember no warmth really being produced by the leaves but they still made for a good shelter from the cold. I remember we would wait a bit and burst forth from the leaves, siting upright or jumping out of the pile in its entirety with a roar of laughter choosing whom will be next to be 'buried alive' in leaves. But this afternoon as I dreamt of my turn, I remember smiling through the leaves and seeing clearly through them up at the branches of a bare tree, behind which a full moon hung low in the sky. I smelled the earth and leaves mixing around me, and i felt the cold ground beneath me. and i continued peering through those leaves with the laughter of my cousins and brothers fading and the sounds of the night taking their place. and i felt comfort. Again, a little shelter it became and it was as if the ground lost its frigidness and the space I occupied, infinite. and I closed my eyes happy as a clam to be underneath that pile of leaves, the pretty gold and yellow ones were so soft, the brown ones so warm. And I woke up. I almost fell completely out of my bed from the blaring alarm I had set an hour and a half earlier (that is how long it took me to doze off), how stiff I had become in a 25 minute nap, but after obtaining a total of 2 hours the night before I assumed my body slept hard for those few minutes. I remembered my little flashback/dream and wondered why, unlike within my memories, I had elected to stay in that pile of leaves for eternity. I do remember way back then, not popping out immediately like my lovely family members. There was something about nature I adored, but even more, something about laying beneath the leaves I found amazing, within my control, and serene. This memory is not a passing one, I've thought back of it times before, especially during fall when piles of leaves begin to stack up along the sidewalks and throughout our neighbor's yards. However, it was a first time I ever dreamed of it. I don't remember half the things my brothers do from our childhood when we are all together talking about them, but I remember piles of leaves. I remember cat sanctuary. I remember the hidden plains that took you to bushels of honey suckles, and I remember exploring the creek in the back yard (against the wishes of our parents and our better judgment as chlildren). These things I hold dear, because other things I remember involved me often in too deep of thought for a child and inexplicably sad. I do wonder what that pile of leaves represents in my mind's eye and why I cherish it so deeply. Perhaps that night we ate early (which would be a Thanksgiving miracle) or, perhaps, it represents something very deep, my little sanctuary within my child brain . I'm not sure. All I know is after shaking the stiffness away and really waking up, I stared out the windows at the little gold leaves that had recently fallen from the trees out front. Since I am not in Georgia, they are something other than maple, but bold and pretty non the less. I looked upon those leaves with a heavy need and/or wish to curl beneath them once again. My childhood version of Heaven.
I remember on cool fall days, usually deep into November, playing outside at night regardless of how often I saw my breath cascading clearly in front of me. Often times I would be with my brothers, cousins, or a combination of both. I always loved being outside at night, especially when the moon rose high and round and i could play with it shaping my hands around it hiding it behind trees, and dancing beneath it. One particular night stands out among the others: It was Thanksgiving night and as usual the deliciousness shared among families across the country, turkey, yams, collard greens, and home style mac and cheese, were not ready yet. As was 'tradition' in my family, we ate late because we began late, because we cooked late. I didn't learn until i grew much older that people began eating their heavy dinners some time around 4 or 5 pm, while my family once (or maybe even thrice) ate well past midnight. And on this particular night my siblings, cousins, and I played outside past 7 o'clock. Again, being that it were November, the leaves had all fallen from the trees and began to crunch beneath your feet; I remember them, gold and brown, huge and curling in on themselves, maple leaves from the surrounding trees on the plot that was then my Aunt's house. and we ran about collecting those beautiful little treasures some of us in masses, some of us carefully one by one, until a pile began to grow. And we would each take turns laying in that pile while being buried by our great treasures at the hands of family. This is about where my dream replays this little token of my past. Laughing and laying on top of the harden cold ground with a layer of crinkly crunchy leaves and covering your eyes and nose and mouth so not to get leave bits inside them. And my cousins would giggle and my brothers would laugh and i was completely covered by leaves of all sorts. And much like my memory believes, I sit and try to look through that pile of leaves silent and smiling, no longer covering my eyes but peering out to see the moonlight break through the leafy barrier, to reach me and sit underneath in complete tranquility. I remember no warmth really being produced by the leaves but they still made for a good shelter from the cold. I remember we would wait a bit and burst forth from the leaves, siting upright or jumping out of the pile in its entirety with a roar of laughter choosing whom will be next to be 'buried alive' in leaves. But this afternoon as I dreamt of my turn, I remember smiling through the leaves and seeing clearly through them up at the branches of a bare tree, behind which a full moon hung low in the sky. I smelled the earth and leaves mixing around me, and i felt the cold ground beneath me. and i continued peering through those leaves with the laughter of my cousins and brothers fading and the sounds of the night taking their place. and i felt comfort. Again, a little shelter it became and it was as if the ground lost its frigidness and the space I occupied, infinite. and I closed my eyes happy as a clam to be underneath that pile of leaves, the pretty gold and yellow ones were so soft, the brown ones so warm. And I woke up. I almost fell completely out of my bed from the blaring alarm I had set an hour and a half earlier (that is how long it took me to doze off), how stiff I had become in a 25 minute nap, but after obtaining a total of 2 hours the night before I assumed my body slept hard for those few minutes. I remembered my little flashback/dream and wondered why, unlike within my memories, I had elected to stay in that pile of leaves for eternity. I do remember way back then, not popping out immediately like my lovely family members. There was something about nature I adored, but even more, something about laying beneath the leaves I found amazing, within my control, and serene. This memory is not a passing one, I've thought back of it times before, especially during fall when piles of leaves begin to stack up along the sidewalks and throughout our neighbor's yards. However, it was a first time I ever dreamed of it. I don't remember half the things my brothers do from our childhood when we are all together talking about them, but I remember piles of leaves. I remember cat sanctuary. I remember the hidden plains that took you to bushels of honey suckles, and I remember exploring the creek in the back yard (against the wishes of our parents and our better judgment as chlildren). These things I hold dear, because other things I remember involved me often in too deep of thought for a child and inexplicably sad. I do wonder what that pile of leaves represents in my mind's eye and why I cherish it so deeply. Perhaps that night we ate early (which would be a Thanksgiving miracle) or, perhaps, it represents something very deep, my little sanctuary within my child brain . I'm not sure. All I know is after shaking the stiffness away and really waking up, I stared out the windows at the little gold leaves that had recently fallen from the trees out front. Since I am not in Georgia, they are something other than maple, but bold and pretty non the less. I looked upon those leaves with a heavy need and/or wish to curl beneath them once again. My childhood version of Heaven.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Can't Stop Won't Stop
Its starting to get hard to keep up with my blogging. In the month of September, I only was able to post twice, and those were special addition ones. However, I'm writing more now than I ever was before. Its just all school related. Perhaps I need to learn to manage my time better lol...Truth is I waste a good amount of time doing nothing. At least thats what it feels like. I need to stay off of Facebook. I don't do anything but sit and wait for *insert person's name here*. But its not only that. I scour the internet in search of answers to 'life's' annoying little questions: "whats the different between jam and jelly?" "How to make bread crumbs" "Hm...If I wanted to fly to Guam On October 17, 2012, it would be $346.00 dollars huh..Wonder how much for Fuji Island...." Needless to say I waste a lot of time wasting time. So why don't I write while I'm wasting all of this time? I'm not sure why yet. Probably because while I'm wasting time I should be doing homework, and while I should be doing homework I need to being doing my job, and while I''m doing my job I'm day dreaming of story ideas. Needless to say (once more) I'm pretty ass backwards. But I can't help it, its just the way my mind works. I've been breeming with creative juices for the past few weeks and yet have not given a second to writing them out. I just don't know how to organized my time and my thoughts. Though the fact that I consistently think and rethink, and change and remember it all is amazingly great. that way when I do take a second out of my non busy day, The idea is never lost. My greatest fear (and its an honest to God one) is that I will haphazardly and prematurely die before all of these wonderful Ideas are written out. I'm sure that may seem unusually morbid, but alas, this is actually something I think about. So In short, I, Brianne Glover, shall try my very best to write more for pleasure. I really want to publish within the next two years! (buuutttt, don't expect me to put any real EFFORT into that...*but what if I actually do*) Plot Twist!
Ciao Baby!
Ciao Baby!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
The Great Hair Debate: Sew-in Weaves
Well its been a good 2 weeks since my last blog (on this site anyways). It's mostly because school is in full swing and I am taking 18 hours of reading and writing. I may not be getting my writing on over here, but I am surely getting it on all over campus!
So lets start a great hair debate! (Because being black and talking about hair goes hand and hand). I've recently been trying to figure out how to do a sew-in weave. I've done a few in the past but these attempts were very, veerrrryyy long ago. I mean freshman year of college long ago. And they didn't end so amazingly: I usually had a piece of track showing that I had no clue how to cover, I would just put a hair bow over it or some sort of band (or soft belt one night) to hide it. The fact was I never knew the next step! To recap: 2004, Youtube hadn't been invented yet!! (gawd, that makes me feel geezerish), and I had been sporting a fro for a good 3 years then. Fast forward 6 years and we end up with an endless stream of free and informative (and sometimes uninformative) videos about every type of sew-in I can imagine. That brings us to today's post. While scrolling down a video looking for another one to watch that may be related, I see a heated debate going on between two characters. Something along the lines of "sew-ins are an insult to your natural beauty" and "Shut up, your a cunt." (well a one sided debate I guess). I paused at the former comment. Insult...? Are they really? I continued to read on and found that a lot of girls seem to have a take on this debate in particular.
A growing population of 'au naturels' are saying that a sew-in is one of the best protective styles for your lovely curls. An equally natural opposing side says its a persona black women use to feel pretty and should be looked down upon. Another prominent side says its just all around bad for your hair. I'm not personally a fan of sew-ins to the degree where I can say I'm for or against them. However, In my experience, as long as your not using any glue, chemicals, or heating elements prior or throughout the process, it shouldn't be bad for your hair. That means top notch human hair that's not dyed or blended with synthetic fibers. I personally think as long as you keep your hair healthy and moisturized, minimal heat usage, and in its natural state, weaves and braids should be fine from time to time. I'm not sure if I agree with the whole 'protective style' ideology though. That is because I wonder aloud "if I'm always protecting my hair, then technically I never get to wear my hair 'naturally' out. It will always be hidden behind a weave." What do you think? Are sew-ins suppose to be a natural girl's 'no-no' or can us curly tops and track setters coexist within the same person harmoniously? I'm not sure the answer really. All I know is we should probably get together and shun relaxed hair wearers so they seem like a minority!! LOL
Ciao Baby!
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| Afro by David Shankbone, New York City |
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| Courtesy of Tipdeck.com |
A growing population of 'au naturels' are saying that a sew-in is one of the best protective styles for your lovely curls. An equally natural opposing side says its a persona black women use to feel pretty and should be looked down upon. Another prominent side says its just all around bad for your hair. I'm not personally a fan of sew-ins to the degree where I can say I'm for or against them. However, In my experience, as long as your not using any glue, chemicals, or heating elements prior or throughout the process, it shouldn't be bad for your hair. That means top notch human hair that's not dyed or blended with synthetic fibers. I personally think as long as you keep your hair healthy and moisturized, minimal heat usage, and in its natural state, weaves and braids should be fine from time to time. I'm not sure if I agree with the whole 'protective style' ideology though. That is because I wonder aloud "if I'm always protecting my hair, then technically I never get to wear my hair 'naturally' out. It will always be hidden behind a weave." What do you think? Are sew-ins suppose to be a natural girl's 'no-no' or can us curly tops and track setters coexist within the same person harmoniously? I'm not sure the answer really. All I know is we should probably get together and shun relaxed hair wearers so they seem like a minority!! LOL
Ciao Baby!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Bree Eats: Tales From the Street/Heaven on Broadway
If I could bottle New York City and sell it to the rest of the country for a fantastic price, I would be rolling in dough. That’s right, its official: Brianne is finally blogging about NYC. Regardless of this well awaited and anticipated dish on the city I now call home, I’d would like to start by saying well done NY... well done.
When I say well done I don't mean my steak (oh God no!!), I mean in giving me something to write about. My best friend in the whole wide world! That’s right FOOOOODDD!!! If you think chick-fil-a is delish wait until you have buttermilk battered chicken from a number of diners and the ultimate of ultimate fast foods Falafels. That’s right, the food has taken hold of me when it comes to NYC. Is there anything better than walking down a street and realizing that you are hungry and there, no not the extremely overprices restaurant with white and green awnings, but over there, sitting on the corner is food heaven!! Boy oh boy do I love you street cart! That is not to say that the sit down places can't please you just as good on the same few dollars. If you are smart you will look around, and find gold all over the city. little pockets of tasty delight hidden behind parks or tucked away in nooks and crannies On Amsterdam and lower east Manhattan in its entirety.
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| Compliments of Google Images |
I don't know what I would do if Absolute Bagel vanished without warning. walking down the upper west side of Broadway, if you blink you might miss it; a tiny shop between a bustling marketplace and a copying store for Columbia University. Luckily for me, A wonderful acquaintance of mine offered to buy me a bagel since we were both going the same way. What a pleasure it was when she took me only a few blocks down just past 108th street. When you first enter you see them behind the counter making magic. rolling, boiling, and baking up little soft and delicious pieces of heaven. My first order ever was a plain bagel with jelly toasted. The magician taking my order looked at me strangely and asked If I was sure. You see in the morning, the bagels are really fresh. He sliced my bagel open and showed me, steam bellowing from the now in two cushions of softness, that the bagel was still pipping hot and in no real need of toasting. Well I took that as a sign to leave the awesome powers of a hot bagel be and bypassed the toasting. AMAZEMENT danced across my tongue with each bite! "I try not to come too often," my friend said sadly, "I could easily gain 15lbs and not care eating here every morning and afternoon"! Well put. I too could easily rack up the pounds without a care in the world! I had found a goldmine hidden in broad daylight. Of all the bagel shops I pass on a regular, none could claim they themselves baked fresh bagels daily. Days later, tried a buttered cinnamon raisin bagel from my new spot. A new favorite food was instantly born following my first bite. Someone shoot the cook, hes just too good at this (please don't...or I'll have so little to live for!!).
So there you have it, a blog about a bagel shop off of Broadway near 108th. Absolute Bagel, check them out and fall in love with a bagel (and then cringe whenever you grab one that's not made fresh!). One of the many delicacies of the city and topping my list of good eats.
Chow baby.
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