It's Not You, It's You

A very important person in my life reached out to me a bit ago and I missed his call so I called him back. He didn't answer and I didn't leave a message. After another month went by I began to worry. We actually don't have mutual friends and really the only way I know he's alive is direct contact. So I called him again. This time he answered and we talked for close to an hour. It was nice.

Then he went into his usual spiel.

How much he was sorry for hurting me.

How important I will aways be.

Yada

Yada

Yada.

But this time it didn't effect me the same way. I told him I will always love him as well and left it at that. Eventually I told him about my current boyfriend and it wasn't more than 10 minutes before he had to go.

It was okay though. There was nothing much else for me to say that I hadn't already told him a year ago: when it comes to him, I was tired. And this year, I'm still tired. I'll probably be tired next year, and the year after that.

I can't keep up, with his waning emotions. It's maddening.

I write all this now because it seems he's found a special lady. That's not an odd thing to me. He always does. At first my eyes narrowed. It looks like they got together and/or have been together from right around the time of that last spiel.

Which has happened before. It even happened the last time he gave me a spiel.

Possibly every time he's spieled me.

But then I smiled. I started thinking, "Maybe I'm finally free of of the spiels."

Maybe this is enough to solidify how bad of a person he is to have in my life romantically--maybe even non romantically. Regardless of how strongly I feel or felt for him, it's a good way to end a bad thing. I'm kinda in an amazing relationship right now and I don't need or want any unnecessary outside forces to muck it up.

Not even the ones I myself create in my head.

Every day I grow more harden, more no nonsense, more striving for betterment. I can't do better for myself if I keep people in my world who aren't helping me grow.

But here's the thing.

He's definitely still a big part of my life. Heh. He took up eight turbulent years of it. I can't imagine it being so easy to let it go to the waste side, but then again why not?  I have this issue when it comes to a lot of relationships. I have friendships where I've reached out over the years and still they dissipated. Some relationships have come back vibrantly; others, though pieced back together, never the same as before. Some, hanging in limbo as I speak.

No, not everyone is meant to stay. We can't. That's not how growth works. Growth is movement. And we're all moving. Moving objects crossing each others paths. Like a very complicated solar system surrounded by what we assume are our hopes and dreams, the stars.

Those bright, brilliant, baneful, blaring stars.

Us Currently

It's weird.

It's weird knowing.

It's weird  not only knowing, but coming to terms with the fact that a small percentage of your boyfriend's family is going to crack jokes behind closed doors about his inability to find a suitable woman to date.

It kinda finally hit me. It's not that I didn't know, we've talked about it. We talk about a lot of important things. How it will definitely happen. How he knows it will happen. Because he knows how a few people in his family are.

It's a strange thing to know and a strange thing to have to accept. Even if it's just in jest, it's still a pretty terrible thing to say about another person.

About me.

That he's that desperate. That he would stoop that low as to entertain a person outside of his race. Even worst, a black woman.

The older I become the more I find myself having to deal with issues like this.  My eyes continuing to be open.  Not necessarily about my lovely and me, but about how the world works. How it's so terribly bloated. Bloated with so much anger and unnecessary ugliness.

It really sucks.