Yesterday I felt really good. For once in a long time my spirits were high and I had energy and I felt optimism about everything.
Then I applied to a job and woke up this morning restless with my stomach hurting, and no longer seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Just like that all of my anxiety about fulfilling work crept back. There's too much competition in this city and I'm tired of being told how "intelligent and personable" I am followed by "but we'll pass."
I'm finally applying to writing and copy positions, but my fear is I won't be taken seriously even with my published work because it's not on well known sites or about celebrities.
It sucks because I have to go to work at noon and I feel so crippled by this that I don't feel like doing any searches this morning and just curling up into a quivering ball of covers until I have to leave my room.
I don't see my therapist again until September because she's away on her annual vacation and I'm just... I'm just working myself up and I really don't want to and it's such a struggle.
This year I upped my reading, writing, and applying to jobs I really want and I've definitely gained a lot of perspective. That feeling of doom is just really hard to shake, especially when you make just about the same little amount of money everywhere you go. Seriously, it doesn't matter if I'm working for a tv show or holding down a couple of part-time jobs, I literally make the same amount of money everywhere I've gone.
One of the few things that has been helping is swimming laps: I have to focus on my breathing and stroke. I know exercise is a proven mood booster, but it's still hard to get myself up and going when I feel this way.
I finally got a swim cap that fits over my dreads (it's gigantic, one day I'll post a picture. My roommate says I look like a futuristic Ethiopian aristocrat). Today I'm going to try to swim a few laps and maybe even practice some drills so I have something to focus on other than my Pandora's box of fears. But I don't know if I have it in me. I really wanted to do it this morning, but I need more time to get myself together.
