I write this during another insomnia episode. Maybe it's the stress from having to live with roommates who do not cherish the sacredness that is home, or that my period should be starting any day now and I'm super hormonal, but I am very discouraged at the moment.
I just, at this passing moment no less, broke down into tears. I want to go to sleep so badly. I have to wake up and go into work an hour earlier (something my boss likes to wait until 4pm to ask of me), which is normally not a problem.
Forgive me if my thoughts bounce around as I write this; I have so many so often it's hard to keep up with myself sometimes.
I'm discouraged because for over a year now--not religiously every month, but definitely religiously 92 percent of the time I have been looking for new work. The job I am at currently is doing nothing for me but sucking the soul right out of my body. I don't know how people work in offices. I don't know how people work in offices that produce terrible things. I don't know how I'm still working in an office that produces terrible things.
For a year and a half I have applied applied applied, and have had no more than three actual interviews, maybe four. They can't even follow up with me to let me know the position is taken. Or even better, I get an email three months after applying for something saying they are no longer looking. Thanks, I kind of figured that three months ago when you never got back to me. In fact I forgot I even applied so what really is happening is you're reminding me of my failure. Great.
And I'm tired. I want to sleep so badly and I can't. I want to look for work, but I'm so tired and emotional and frustrated and I can't.
I haven't felt this down and out for a while and my fear is that it's the onset of something worse: my cycle through depression. I don't think it is though, my ovaries are starting to cramp a little to much for it to just be that. But the fear of going into another cold winter still working in this office makes me want to step in front of traffic, no joke.
My inability to get interviews, while my coworkers go on interview after interview after interview, weekly, makes me feel inadequate. I've re-worked re-written re-blahblahblah my resume so many times now I have a folder on my desktop titled "My Resumes."
It doesn't help that I still have no clue what I want to get into. It doesn't help that I don't feel like I'm really all that good at much.
Even the things I enjoy doing I can't see myself doing for any long period of time.
I have no idea what that means. I have absolutely no idea what that means for my future. And the uncertainty in that makes me even more anxious. I spent a good few months learning to relax and not worry so much. I've spent a lot of time feeling grounded and okay with my current situation; why not? I am doing everything possible to change it.
But maybe I'm not. I feel like maybe I'm not doing enough. But how can I do more? When can I do more? Between working, working out, trying to eat right, working on my side projects, and trying to keep my apartment from becoming an actual shit-hole, I hardly have time to eat, sleep, and take showers.
The more I think about it the more hopeless about my work situation I feel. I really really hope that I'm just being hormonal, but I'm sure it's more than that. I've spent a year and a half-- A YEAR AND A HALF-- looking for work, looking for a career and nothing.
I don't even feel like I'm all that good at anything at this point. Whenever I do something I think I like, eventually I lose all passion, and I feel empty, like the work just sucked all of the joy out of me.
And maybe that's the real deal with work. You're miserable, but you have to continue living somehow so you press on in your miserable life finding outlets via an escape, a hobby, a bad habit. And once you settle into that miserable job you settle for a miserable person to be miserable with you; and because you are afraid of dying alone you marry, and you have children, and they grow up to be just as miserable as you and then you die alone anyway.
That's not the life I want to live. I really do feel like I've grown a lot the last few months for the better, but my insides are falling a part.
I don't know the future. Maybe in 24 hours I'll meet the love of my life, get an amazing job doing something I care about, be able to take care of myself and my offsprings--though I'll still die alone because that's just life, you die alone (God, I am a very depressing person).
Or, I'll continue having small shards of my soul taken away until there is nothing left but that shell of a being necessary for me to live a very boring, unsatisfied, regretful life.
I don't know. According to the clock I won't be sleeping tonight. That's nice.
God I hope I'm just getting my period today.
