I feel like a captain who has lost his ship; afloat on top of a piece of drift wood in a vast sea.
It's not very often I find myself making a decision that is "the best for me" but at the same time complete and utter misery. I found myself doing this recently. And as I predicted, I gained my freedom from the world I was living in, but lost everything else-- though I thought I'd be oh-so-happy to let go of it.
I'm not sure what I was expecting to come of it.
Was I expecting a last grand gesture? Or maybe that immediately following all would be dandy and I would be well on my way to bigger and better and brighter things? Not to say that I'm not. More so to say maybe I wouldn't feel as shitty as I do right now or that my world still feels like it imploded.
Contrary to my beliefs-- or maybe not-- It still did. I realized last night that even when I don't run away from problems, even when I take a stand and make a well thought out decision, I still lose. This is going to sound really depressing so forgive me in advance, but life seems to be a lose-lose kind of deal.
Though.... The wounds are still fresh. Everything seems miserable when you just cut off your finger. Now what if you cut it off because you had gangrene? Would that make your misery any less applicable? Not really, but in the long run you'll be fine. Right?
I want to believe I made the right choice. I want to believe that all of these feelings are just blinded emotional shades that will eventually be lifted off of me. I want to believe that so far this year I've cleaned out my closet and then some. I want to believe things can only get better, even though right now it feels the worst.
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I wanted to end that last sentence with "so I will" but I know myself. I won't. I will wallow. I will beat myself up. I will cry. I will crave. I will try and build myself up, only to breakdown. I will harden slightly only to completely soften at the perceived sincerity of the next. And I will fight internally whether to fully trust another person or to keep my guard up. But by then it will have been too late.
I'm just miserable.
