Today as I watched a pot of water boil I decided to eat the very last piece of fruit in my fruit bowl: an orange. I leaned against the counter taking my time as I peeled the orange, which is unusual for me. As I began to pry the orange open with my thumbs I encountered the gruesome scene that was the inside of the orange; it was black and grey, like something had taken up residence inside it and died shortly after.
I threw the orange on the counter out of surprise. I then picked the orange back up for a second look. It was the same as before. I threw the orange in the trash along with the peels. I washed my hands twice... the obsessive compulsive side of me taking over. by the time I finished, the water had begun to boil.
That orange was a perfect representation of how I often feel about life. No matter how much effort and care you put into something, in the end you're rewarded with the pleasure of knowing someone else got to enjoy it first, or worse, more. So yeah... I'm pretty depressing.
But when I told a friend of mine the story he asked me, "What are you going to do about it?"
What am I going to do about it...?
I've been trying to answer that question for years now.
Monday, September 16, 2013
In Bloom
You got me.
You got me,
Down in that hole.
Deep and dank; dark.
You got me.
And you covered me, in dirt and silt.
Until I grew, and emerged.
And I bloomed, I was open.
You got me open.
And the sun and rain fell down on me.
And still you got me.
You got me.
You got me,
Down in that hole.
Deep and dank; dark.
You got me.
And you covered me, in dirt and silt.
Until I grew, and emerged.
And I bloomed, I was open.
You got me open.
And the sun and rain fell down on me.
And still you got me.
You got me.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
The Adventures of Bree: Bumping Into An Ex-Boyfriend
Well, it was bound to happen. I walk the streets of Queens as if I'll never see my Ex-boyfriend who happens to lives 2 blocks away from me. Surprisingly in the nine months since the breakup, I've only seen him once: I stopped at a Family Dollar to return something before going on a jog and while in line jamming to some tunes (yeah man) in my workout clothes someone pats my shoulder. I turn and it was him. We exchanged pleasantries. I thought he would be on his way but he waited until I did my transaction and we talked for another 30 seconds and then we did actually go on our ways. It was civil.
Last night... not so much.
It was a live comedy awards show at the restaurant I used to work at. I was told to come dressed to the nine, so I wore a bridesmaid dress and sandals. I put on enough makeup for two (I was going to be on stage late that night for a guest appearance. I had no words to say so... I thought I'd do the talking with my eyes lol). I went downstairs to grab a drink. I then immediately realized my Ex was there. "Got...dammit.." I thought. Though I shouldn't have been surprised, Everyone was here that night. But I knew I'd have to say hello. He sat out back on the patio smoking with his back to the door. I decided not to approach him. We'd run into each other eventually. Instead I got a margarita and walked around saying hello to various people before making my way back to the bar (more alcohol please!).
It was there that it happened. It was extremely packed that night because--as I said before-- everyone was there. I squeezed myself beside the bar in hopes that I could more easily get a drink there. I was on my phone, waiting for a bartender to not be busy. I rarely pay so I don't really make a big deal out of getting my drink quickly. After sending a text I looked up and we locked eyes. He waved and I blinked twice. I then smiled walked over and said hello. I gave him a hug. we chatted a bit: he complimented my dress, I asked how work had been. From time to time other people I knew would walk by and I would make passing conversation.
One of the comedians made an all call that the show was going to start in 5 or so minutes. I told my Ex I want to say hi to some people and left him. I buzzed about talking to people, making jokes and finally found myself upstairs in the theater. I stood near the front of the stage laughing at jokes and clapping. I eventually sat. I didn't see him and he wasn't on my mind. I didn't look for him either. I left twice. Once was to order a taco (two drinks in I realized I would be drunk that night... because I didn't eat much that day). The second time was to get another drink. When I came back the second time I noticed he was at the back of the room. I was about to be called on stage as well. I went on stage, smiled, chatted with some of the comedians as someone spoke in front, and walked off stage. I sat down with my drink; excited at the fact that I was able to get on stage without tripping and falling, and that I didn't feel nervous at all, I actually enjoyed it.
After the awards show I went downstairs; the owner proclaimed a one hour open bar. I didn't go straight for the bar. I already had a drink. I walked around and talked with various people. I finally received my taco and ate it. I became drunk friends with a friendly lady comedian. I was having fun. I hate to say it but... I had all but forgotten he was there. Then he popped up again. My ex LITERALLY walked over to me and my new buddy, so we all started talking. Then my friend left and it was just me and him talking. By this time I was drunk. I don't remember everything we were talking about honestly, but it was definitely banter. He said he was going to leave. I told him, "Well it was really nice seeing you!" and gave him a hug. He looked at me, I looked at him and he said:
I feel like you're coming on to me. I'm kinda dating someone.
I blinked drunkenly twice. I think my brow furrowed in confusion. I might have even shook my head. "Go home (Insert name here)." I was so dumbfounded those were pretty much the only words I could conjure up. He turned and walked away. I watched him walk up the stairs and shook my head, rolled my eyes and walked over to the dance floor. That was actually the last time I thought about him that night. I started dancing, praline bacon had just came out (oh my gawd, if you've never had praline bacon... oh my gawd) and a cute Indian guy started talking me up. I danced some more, found myself over to the bar for some water, went to the bathroom and lost my ring, found my ring (thank you baby Jesus) talked, laughed; left. The guy gave me a lift home. I thanked him, I took off my makeup, slipped out of my dress and contacts, washed my face, ate a boiled egg (I still didn't eat enough) drank a huge mug full of water and went to bed. I woke up angrily at the guy laying on the horn at 8 in the morning. But then I remembered what happened and what my ex said and I again shook my head. Why would he think I was hitting on him??
A) I tell everyone our breakup was mutual, and honestly it was, but I sat HIM down and told HIM we needed to break up. You know... because I wasn't interested anymore.
B) Okay okay, my friend says I am a natural flirt. This wouldn't be the first time a guy thought I wanted their attention when in actuality I was just being cordial. But everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was their that night. Why would I try and hook up with my ex boyfriend? There were a lot of guys with full heads of hair I could have been seducing.
and C) I knew he was dating someone. It's been nine months! I've dated a couple of someones.
My friend came to the conclusion that he just wanted to say he was dating someone. That could be true. Another friend of mine said he was just trying to get under my skin. I just don't understand it and I really want to. My comeback was also terrible lol. I pretty much dismissed him, but I wish I would have said something along the lines of, "Honey, you'd definitely know if I was hitting on you?" or "Right, because you're the most ideal guy at this shindig." or "Okay... congrats?"
Well, those are pretty terrible too. Either way I feel like he has this story he can tell now about how I desperately chased him around the bar all night and talked him up, touched his arm and brushed my chest against him in the hopes of him reiterating the feelings; when in actuality, I smiled I congratulated him, and tried my best to keep at least six inches in between us when possible (it was loud so eventually I had to get closer so I wouldn't be screaming all night.
Everyone is asking me why it bothers me. It bothers me because that is who I am lol. Whenever something happens like this I think to myself, "They're nuts." but then I start replaying the interaction in my head and start to think, "Well, maybe I WAS being such and such way." I over analyze things. All things. All the time. I do this ALL THE TIME.
So I was worried, maybe I was coming on to him.
NOOOPPPEE!
I was coming on to the Indian guy hard. That night when I talked with other people, I was closer than usual with them as well, even the ladies.
I guess I'll never know what made him think I was coming on to him. I like to know things, but this one will be a mystery. I don't intend on ever seeing him again. And if I do, I'm very tempted to say hello from a distance adding, "I don't want you to think I'm coming on to you." and tapping his shoulder with a stick instead of hugging him.
Ah well. It'll be funny one day. All I can do is shrug my shoulders and keep on moving on.
Last night... not so much.
It was a live comedy awards show at the restaurant I used to work at. I was told to come dressed to the nine, so I wore a bridesmaid dress and sandals. I put on enough makeup for two (I was going to be on stage late that night for a guest appearance. I had no words to say so... I thought I'd do the talking with my eyes lol). I went downstairs to grab a drink. I then immediately realized my Ex was there. "Got...dammit.." I thought. Though I shouldn't have been surprised, Everyone was here that night. But I knew I'd have to say hello. He sat out back on the patio smoking with his back to the door. I decided not to approach him. We'd run into each other eventually. Instead I got a margarita and walked around saying hello to various people before making my way back to the bar (more alcohol please!).
It was there that it happened. It was extremely packed that night because--as I said before-- everyone was there. I squeezed myself beside the bar in hopes that I could more easily get a drink there. I was on my phone, waiting for a bartender to not be busy. I rarely pay so I don't really make a big deal out of getting my drink quickly. After sending a text I looked up and we locked eyes. He waved and I blinked twice. I then smiled walked over and said hello. I gave him a hug. we chatted a bit: he complimented my dress, I asked how work had been. From time to time other people I knew would walk by and I would make passing conversation.
One of the comedians made an all call that the show was going to start in 5 or so minutes. I told my Ex I want to say hi to some people and left him. I buzzed about talking to people, making jokes and finally found myself upstairs in the theater. I stood near the front of the stage laughing at jokes and clapping. I eventually sat. I didn't see him and he wasn't on my mind. I didn't look for him either. I left twice. Once was to order a taco (two drinks in I realized I would be drunk that night... because I didn't eat much that day). The second time was to get another drink. When I came back the second time I noticed he was at the back of the room. I was about to be called on stage as well. I went on stage, smiled, chatted with some of the comedians as someone spoke in front, and walked off stage. I sat down with my drink; excited at the fact that I was able to get on stage without tripping and falling, and that I didn't feel nervous at all, I actually enjoyed it.
After the awards show I went downstairs; the owner proclaimed a one hour open bar. I didn't go straight for the bar. I already had a drink. I walked around and talked with various people. I finally received my taco and ate it. I became drunk friends with a friendly lady comedian. I was having fun. I hate to say it but... I had all but forgotten he was there. Then he popped up again. My ex LITERALLY walked over to me and my new buddy, so we all started talking. Then my friend left and it was just me and him talking. By this time I was drunk. I don't remember everything we were talking about honestly, but it was definitely banter. He said he was going to leave. I told him, "Well it was really nice seeing you!" and gave him a hug. He looked at me, I looked at him and he said:
I feel like you're coming on to me. I'm kinda dating someone.
I blinked drunkenly twice. I think my brow furrowed in confusion. I might have even shook my head. "Go home (Insert name here)." I was so dumbfounded those were pretty much the only words I could conjure up. He turned and walked away. I watched him walk up the stairs and shook my head, rolled my eyes and walked over to the dance floor. That was actually the last time I thought about him that night. I started dancing, praline bacon had just came out (oh my gawd, if you've never had praline bacon... oh my gawd) and a cute Indian guy started talking me up. I danced some more, found myself over to the bar for some water, went to the bathroom and lost my ring, found my ring (thank you baby Jesus) talked, laughed; left. The guy gave me a lift home. I thanked him, I took off my makeup, slipped out of my dress and contacts, washed my face, ate a boiled egg (I still didn't eat enough) drank a huge mug full of water and went to bed. I woke up angrily at the guy laying on the horn at 8 in the morning. But then I remembered what happened and what my ex said and I again shook my head. Why would he think I was hitting on him??
A) I tell everyone our breakup was mutual, and honestly it was, but I sat HIM down and told HIM we needed to break up. You know... because I wasn't interested anymore.
B) Okay okay, my friend says I am a natural flirt. This wouldn't be the first time a guy thought I wanted their attention when in actuality I was just being cordial. But everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was their that night. Why would I try and hook up with my ex boyfriend? There were a lot of guys with full heads of hair I could have been seducing.
and C) I knew he was dating someone. It's been nine months! I've dated a couple of someones.
My friend came to the conclusion that he just wanted to say he was dating someone. That could be true. Another friend of mine said he was just trying to get under my skin. I just don't understand it and I really want to. My comeback was also terrible lol. I pretty much dismissed him, but I wish I would have said something along the lines of, "Honey, you'd definitely know if I was hitting on you?" or "Right, because you're the most ideal guy at this shindig." or "Okay... congrats?"
Well, those are pretty terrible too. Either way I feel like he has this story he can tell now about how I desperately chased him around the bar all night and talked him up, touched his arm and brushed my chest against him in the hopes of him reiterating the feelings; when in actuality, I smiled I congratulated him, and tried my best to keep at least six inches in between us when possible (it was loud so eventually I had to get closer so I wouldn't be screaming all night.
Everyone is asking me why it bothers me. It bothers me because that is who I am lol. Whenever something happens like this I think to myself, "They're nuts." but then I start replaying the interaction in my head and start to think, "Well, maybe I WAS being such and such way." I over analyze things. All things. All the time. I do this ALL THE TIME.
So I was worried, maybe I was coming on to him.
NOOOPPPEE!
I was coming on to the Indian guy hard. That night when I talked with other people, I was closer than usual with them as well, even the ladies.
I guess I'll never know what made him think I was coming on to him. I like to know things, but this one will be a mystery. I don't intend on ever seeing him again. And if I do, I'm very tempted to say hello from a distance adding, "I don't want you to think I'm coming on to you." and tapping his shoulder with a stick instead of hugging him.
Ah well. It'll be funny one day. All I can do is shrug my shoulders and keep on moving on.
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