I knew where this was headed. I gave him two weeks... and not even a text.
So I did what I did best: played my final song. Oh to be a dying swan.
And it ended just as terribly as I could expect. And I cried; I cried my eyes out in the back of the library I work at. It was Sunday and the office would only have a few people in it. And as I sat their surrounded by dusty tapes and stacks of papers, I cried as much as I wanted because I knew I wouldn't be heard. Though, I secretly wished someone, anyone, would find me and comfort me. I'll get back to why in a second.
So my next step was to call a friend in tears. That always is the next step. But after scrolling through my phone (covered with droplets, I had to wipe the screen several times), I found I had absolutely no one to call. There was no one in my texts or my recent call list I could think to call about this, which made me burst even harder into tears. I was alone.
I had felt alone for weeks. Isolated even more when all of my roommate one by one went out of town, because they have lives. I sat on the couch and sipped sangria or picked at plates of food saying to myself, "So this is what it would be like if I lived alone, I like this." when I really didn't. I'd like it more if I myself had a life, but I really didn't.
And so when I did fall apart at work, I secretly did wish for someone to find me. I wanted someone to see my vulnerability and my fall from grace, complete with mucous production and puffy eyes. I wanted someone to see me and feel connected, but that too was asking too much of those around me...no one came.
I know I am loved by my family and friends, but moving to this strange land with their strange customs has created a cylindrical process in my life where I can't tell if I'm coming or going. My dreams become my reality and my reality my dreams.
I can't tell if I'm awake or not.
I already wrote about this phenom. You're always tired, always waking even when you're not. I wake up multiple times during the night only to find I was sleeping. I wake up before my alarm clock, only to be awaken by my alarm clock.
It's tiring.
I finally decided to call some friends in Georgia. You see... when I say "I have no friends" I think what I mean to say is, "I have no friends in New York City that I met within these last four years who I see weekly." Which is also a lie, I have a friend I see pretty much every week, but we'll get to that soon as well.
I don't have a band of people I see very often. I haven't made friends who live in Queens (near me) or anywhere close by that I would be able to see them often. Everyone I've ever met up here, every woman I've ever started feeling attached to have since moved away to some distant land or place across the country. All the other women who do live here, live so far away that coming into the city is quite the event.
That one friend I do see often. As much as I do see and talk to her, this event was one I didn't want to bring to her: I had already been talking about it for days now. I just didn't want to overload that one circuit. Seeing as how she's my only constant friend, I need her for other stuff too, like hanging out, drinks, and yoga.
So I dialed number, after number, after number. It took me three attempts before I got a person. Adding to my belief that I am truly alone.
And I cried, and voiced my frustrations and my friend told me to get a hold of myself. I finally said out loud what I've felt for a very long time: I feel alone. I feel isolated. I'm so broken up over this situation because I feel like I'm constantly in this situation; where a man won't leave me alone until I let them take me out on a date. This is two time in a row that I literally had someone begging for my time. This is two times in a row that that person disappeared without a trace. Two times. I refuse to let their be a third.
My friend told me I need to work on me and I became defensive. What did she think I've been doing for the past six years...
But that's my nature. I feel like I constantly have to defend myself. Once I saw my walls forming I stopped, I listened and I agreed... I got off the phone realizing just how lonely I felt. But also that I still do have friends.
The second person I called called me back. We chatted a bit about my issues, but by then I had cried all the tears allotted to me and she did what she did best, told me cheery stories and silly events. And I was fine with that. It took my mind off of him for exactly 10 minutes.
Then the very first person I dialed called me back.Our conversation was short, but she did seem concerned. She told me to get a massage or a manicure, something for myself. I didn't tell her I was poor and that I don't really have the money. Why would I do that to someone who cared so much?
In the end, everyone I called came through and I thank them profusely for it. But I still feel broken. I don't think they completely understand why. It's not him, or the lack of him. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. It's me. It's pretty much always about me. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm this, I'm that. Etc, etc, etc.
When I'm selfish, I'm a self-centered asshole. At least that's what I think others probably think of me. I'm so selfless; so selfless that sometimes I forget to take care of myself. And when I do, that is all I'm able to handle.
So my beginning has become my ending. Once again I find myself in front of the glow of my screen begging you, the reader, to love me; unconditionally, including all my faults...all my musings.
I will sulk and find a sick comfort in knowing I'm not even an afterthought to him. And yet gloss over how much of a current thought I am to so many others.
I really do need to learn to focus on the many positives in my life, instead of the few negatives.
