I can't believe I'm still in love with him.... I have been dreaming, thinking, hell craving a chance to just say all types of things to him....and even though I will be getting the chance to later this month, I don't think I can even get out 10% of how I feel about us. How unfair. I refuse to be a harlot. To throw caution and the foundation I've recently built to the wind just because your feet are finally planted on the ground. Why is this happening? For a short while I thought it was a gift, but I'm starting to believe it is a test. To see how faithful I can be. To see if I can move past the world that is the past into the present and future.
I think I'm over thinking it (definitely). I think I'm also setting myself up for failure. But why? why do I want things to fall apart? I know what's good for me, but I also know what I personally would like. Too often are those two things in contrast of each other.
I definitely need to have a conversation with a few different parties, ie all of the parties involved. Not necessarily together. Plenty of my friends roll their eyes at me now. They are tired of hearing my story. I guess it could get very annoying after such a long time. But I feel like, if my friends had this issue, they would understand why its such a long winded problem. Why It's so hard to throw away 6 long years of waiting, longing, and wanting. And even if they did understand. They will never feel the way I feel, just like I can never feel the way they feel. I know my actions and feelings are being judged. I don't care to hear the many opinions of those who can't get the simple parts of their lifes together. Though, those seem to be the ones with the most knowledge on the subject....
I will be a perfect host for him. I managed to set up two friends simultaneously visiting over the weekend, that way I will be too busy to sit down and sin. Though... three days alone with someone is more than enough time to become a different person.
I pray every night that things can be resolved and I can move on to bigger and better things. I know I will eventually...just not in an easy going sort of way. Everything happens in a kind of difficult sort of way. In a way I'd rather not deal with. Someone always gets hurt.
