How could I explain to you this intense feeling? I could begin by saying I've been told a few times that it isn't even a real disease...and of course, who could blame those people. Cancer is easily seen on the body, HIV causes the flesh to deteriorate. Even the common cold portrays physical symptoms. But depression, that is all in the mind. A mental state. I hate the phrase mental problem. It makes me think of a psych ward, Girl Interrupted type places. When dealing with depression the medical professionals around me more often than not make me feel like I'm crazy; with their note pads and ever moving pens. They nod methodically or say general phrases. They hear me but are they listening? No, they are trying to catch all the tell tell signs written in the DSM-V or whatever book that documents all those cognitive diseases... I have a disease? really...one that you cannot see...that I don't understand...and I'm suppose to be okay with that? take my meds and all will be well? That's not true...
Let me tell you what depression is like...It's like drowning. Everything around you is caving in and you are overwhelmed and unable to fully function, to breathe. Nothing is bright nor sunny, everything is dim. There are no silver linings or sun rays that reach you. And often times you're just there, just a shell of what you normally are. And it comes in waves...I'm always asked what triggered it as if I should know...What made me feel hopeless a few months ago may not be what is making me feel hopeless today. The truth is I have no answer. It's more than one thing, just a feeling of re-occuring loss... back to back to back. It's like a sea of sadness lapping up farther and father during high tide. It's the feeling of not good enough, imperfect, fat, ugly, unintelligent, cowardice...Not that any of that is true...or not true, but those feelings they meld and flow over me intensifying over a period of time until I'm a ball of nothing laying in bed waiting for it to pass...It affects my writing, my wanting, my everything...things move so slow living just seems unbearable.
What is depression? it's a terrible thing that I've tried to tell myself doesn't exist, because I feel like there's no physical proof. Things happen in life often that make you upset. I've been upset over plenty before. But it's not the same feeling...no this is something I could never fully explain. Something I don't understand...something I don't think I'll ever understand...something that might just ruin me...
