That should be my new saying. No matter what I do, I usually come to the realization that when really disheartening things happen to me, that is just the way it goes. But in this case, I feel it really is just the way it goes. The entire night I said, "You're a grown ass man, you can do whatever you want." But he made it clear that wasn't what he wanted to hear. He's grown up over the years. Faster than I thought was possible. He was never the one to talk about personal matters. He shied away from past talks. But now things were different now. And he was willing to discuss anything, which made me mad.
I think the greatest compliment/insult I received last night was "she reminds me so much of you." I smiled and shook my head. I've yet to meet anyone who reminded me of him. But we are friends first and anything else second. As long as I've known him it was always that way. That we will always be friends first and anything else second. When you have so much in common it's hard to want to switch any positions around. He tells me often he loves me. Last night was no different. So I politely responded back, "I love you too; so very much. But I can't keep believing in something that is never going to happen. I'm going to have to let you go..." And that was the end of that conversation. It wasn't until I came home to go to bed that I realized how much that conversation affected me. I dreamt of the last few things he said to me. I feel like it was very dramatic for no reason, but it still happened. "I wish you would see how beautiful you are." I responded with, "Average at best." and he grabbed hold of me so quickly I shuttered at the speed. "Will you stop saying that. Seriously..." And he looked at me with such sad eyes. So I apologized and we hugged it out, he gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me to call him for anything (mind you...there is another conversation we had that night, which might explain his softness when we were going home, but it has nothing to do with this story so...) . We took off in our respective directions for the night. So much emotion in one night...I'm embarrassed to say I'm suppose to see him at least two more times before I leave town. I don't want anymore emotional deep talks. I want to just watch a movie, mess around and make each other laugh. I want to stop him from biting his nails, something I think he does just so I'll pop his hand. I want to have drinks and talk about possible story ideas. I want to talk about his move to New York City. I don't want to have anymore deep "I love you, you love me, but I've met someone like you who I kind of like. She wants to also move to New York..." conversations. It takes away all the adventure that has been our friendship....
