I wanted the title to this to be super long and kind of honest. It is too late to start drinking. by the time my buzz kicks in I'm going to need to wake up for school. If I were to get up right now and make me some pancakes, I wouldn't really enjoy them. I think it is safe to say that my state of mind is walking a thin line between, "oh I get it" and "what the hell?" I'm pretty emotional, so when things happen, I try my best to play it cool. The terror, however, reads all over my face. Whatever that terror may be. The same goes for joy, but I think it's been a while since that expression has found it's way there.
I had a dream tonight. Better yet this early morning. And usually when I wake from dreams that involve depressing things I give a heavy sigh and sit up. However, this morning, when I woke up from the dream, the first thing out of my mouth was, "da fuck." and a huff of a laugh. It must be the DRUGS. Because I had so many dream symbols concentrated in such a small area of my dream that I couldn't even decipher what the hell my mind was trying to say. I guess I should write it out huh? I'm not sure your ready for the world of Bree...my mind is a scary place to venture....
TOO LATE. Your in that bitch now!!! So I can't tell you how it begins, but I can tell you I am at my last boyfriend's parents house. or at least in a picture of it. the picture was of the shrubbery. green with a magenta color blossoming all over. I was enjoying being in that picture until the frame of it moved over and I saw his car. then I was mad. that ruined the picture...Now in my dreams, no matter how often I have been to a place, everything is super out of place. the kitchen might be on the roof, my bedroom filled with weird things I've never had before in my life...so there are two doors when I walk inside. His sister's room and his. that's all. And both are closed. His is straight ahead of me, and hers to the left. I give a heavy sigh...because I know he's in there I can hear his characteristic mumbling...and a girlish giggle that follows (pretty depressing right?) . instead I find my way to some back patio and step outside. In all my anguish I notice in the tree, seemingly growing out of the porch, a huge nest with 2 baby birds in them. They were pretty huge to be babies but I'll just assume they were because a huge parent bird flew and landed next to them. I watched as the parent bird held between it's beak a fish. A fish that had a neon line of green running down it's side. The bird held the fish by the mouth as if it's beak was a fisherman's hook. I continued to watch as the bird (which originally looked more like an eagle) looked more and more, prehistoric, kind of unrealistic. Light blue and white it tossed the fish into the nest and one baby started attacking it...if not gumming it. The, I guess, mother bird began feeding the other baby. And of course as birds do, threw up in its mouth. I immediately began snickering at the action. Maybe it was the child in me... who knows, it's a dream.
Either way, the mama bird didn't take likely to it. and looked over at me angrily. Which made me snicker even more. It became a laugh when the bird jumped down and walked over angrily as I ran inside and closed the screen door. the bird cawed and pecked at the glass screen angrily and I stood inside holding the door close laughing hysterically at the bird. That part didn't make much sense. And then the dream goes back to sorta reality. that I am in his parent's house. No one seems to be dealing with me. everyone is locked in their little rooms. Why am I there? nothing good will come of it... and I end up back in that strange hallway with his door in front of me and his sister's door to my left. and I stand at his door with my hand on it. almost like to push it open. But afraid to find what could be behind it. So I turn to his sister's door. From the outside I can hear her dad and mom having a heated discussion about god knows what. I walk in and its only her and her mother inside. Her mother rubbing her forearm over and over again, wearing a color that stood out but I can't remember, talking about something I'd rather not disclose...Her mom looks at me, makes a direct, non dreamy, statement, and I wake up.
If I could kick myself I would. There is nothing worse than dreaming of someone who still continues to make you cry. Its almost liken to torture. Still, in the end....what I really took away from this dream.... is that I have a fascination with bird regurgitation. At the least, I must think it's funny. But seriously, why did that happen in the middle of one of my episodic depressive dreams?
Regardless, I don't want to have anymore dreams about him. They are getting weirder and weirder, but at the same time more realistic and it's freaking me out. Its almost like he's finding a way to mock me (thats just CWAZY talk). And I don't really like it too much (twitch lol...). Maybe I should lay off the DRUGS. lol. I'm just... feeling pretty miserable (again) as of late. going from "I think I can, I think I can" to "I just can't anymore..." all this wish washy, flip floppy, I hate you, I love you, I wish you would trip and break your leg so I could take you out into the woods to a cabin and do a scene from the movie "Misery" type shit to you lol. Truth is I'm not really into causing pain...I'm a babyface. So, most likely, I would probably bring a sledge hammer for show and then start crying like a baby in front of you for the rest of the movie scene. (sigh)...I think its pretty clear that I'm a complete and beautiful mess....
